The fire red sky brings out thought; one of many Tennessee sunsets; the beauty of this one sets my thoughts into full gear.
It wasn't so long ago; or so it seems; that this move was fulfilling even a slight hope of a slightly stress less life. The time I have been with him has been amazing, but before all of this, hesitation was high.
You see; this man I have known only a couple of years; at first I did not truly see him. That was the until the day my life was in jeopardy on many different plains. His suggestion of moving in together; just the two of us; saved my heart, mind and soul.
There have been many heartaches in my life; some I never thought I would come back from. But, looking to the here and now, I see life so much more differently.
At first I never thought he would find me attractive, and that my personality was much to strong for he and his. I never meant to fall in love with him... In fact it was just the opposite... I did everything in my power to turn from the path of love. I distanced myself by trying to convince myself that he wold only see me as a sister. Oh, but the tides had something in store for me.
As time went by, I found myself slowly opening up willingly and easily. My heart seemed to roll over, so to speak. He asked questions that normally would have placed my hesitation in full throttle ; my answers came so easily.
Each day turned up something new and my spirit seen adventure within his. One day out of the blue he looked me in the eyes and my heart skipped two beats; I turned away and forced my mind to fight the feeling of desire I had suddenly felt for him. However he did not make it easier. Not long after that he came from behind and spoke something in my ear; which to this day, I cannot remember what was spoken.
All I could feel was his breath upon my neck and my desires flaring. I ducked as if he had scared me and walked away. My past was my excuse; which normally my past was what had cost me each relationship I had pursued.
I was fearful; not of him, but, of myself.
But, still time went on and he started bringing me little things to quench my sweet tooth or something to munch on. Then one day as I was working on my book he took notice and asked to read what I had written.
I am the type of person who likes to have a story or poem completed before it can be read; therefore, I declined his request. But, I did pull out the poetry that had been completed. After that night he looked at me differently. Which made it harder for me to keep my feelings inside my heart.
That night our conversation lasted until 3 am, speaking about odds and ends. I learned of his dreams, his past, the woman he was crushing on; a little jealousy popped into my mind before I reminded myself that it would never be. And once again I pushed my feelings aside.
About a month went by and our conversations kept getting deeper; the way he looked at me became more mysterious; I knew then, it was over.... My heart had lost yet another fight to a man. But, I was also in limbo. I remember him telling me that he hated seeing me in the rut I was in.
So, I Reevaluated my life, starting with my current relationships. I went through the list of people who were a constant in my life and those who were just there to use me (so to speak). I started with the man I had loved for so long, I realized long ago that as would always love him it would be only as a friend and I needed to stop holding out hope for the present that I would ever be more than jut a friend. But, as such, he is after all my best friend, confidant, and mentor; he will remain as such. But, still, there were two more. And in this "life change" I decided to keep them at a distance. Eventually one died out in friendship completely and the other remains still a loyal customer.
After all the changing I continued on; removing all thoughts systematically that would hinder my happiness. In the process, I grew; not only as a person, but, also I grew in his eyes. Or at least that's what it seemed.
One night; not to long ago; about three months to be exact; something changed largely within him; he came home and actually helped me cleaned. Which was so strange to me because I had always (out of habit mind you) done the cooking and the cleaning.
I was in the middle of making my bed when he out of the blue told me that he noticed that my "system" was working. I laughed and told him that I didn't even know what my system was, and that I just had to delete the negative and the delusional shit out of my life. To which we both laughed. After that I "took interest" (basically pretended to take interest) in how it was going with his current crush. After telling me (which wasn't so good) he asked me how things were going with mine. My reply set him completely off guard. I spoke of how the one gentleman and I were not even speaking because all he would do was complain about his life and refuse to fix it, whereas the other was just a loyal customer for my business. and then he asked about my mentor and best friend, to which I told him that it would never happen between that friend and I, and told him the reason while not telling him who it was. (By the heavens that was harder than hell)
As the conversation progressed and the more I avoided the topic of the mans name, he eventually figured out it was him. Which caught me seriously off guard. It is so hard to explain but, he said he knew who it was and smiled; at that moment my lungs took a nose dive into the deepest pits of my stomach and I literally ran into the kitchen to finish cleaning it ( I had run out of hot water). At that, he followed me into the kitchen, gently wrapped his arm around the small of my back, turned me to face him and said with a force to be reckoned with (so it felt) "And how do you know I don't feel the same about you?"
He let go and walked outside leaving my mind reeling and my my whole speechless. I knew I was in shock after that, not able to say a word for ten minutes, and when I finally did manage a few words i said "Wait; WHAT?"
To that he laughed and I was at a loss for words. He took over cleaning the rest of the dishes while I stood there gawking like an idiot, making him laugh the whole time.
After all was said and done I went to my room where my body finally gave into exhaustion, I laid in bed and he came into finish the conversation. Realizing it was now 2 am, we both decided to call it a night. He covered me up, sat on my bed, leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. I dared not kiss him back thinking it was a dream and my heart still felt it could not yet trust this, you know, just to be safe. I fell into dreamless sleep.
The next day I went into work, but I wasn't tired; being really quiet (which wasn't in my nature) my favorite boss asked me what happened. To which I told him and all he could say was "Girl, you got yo-self a boyfriend."
I told him that it all felt like a dream and I wasn't even sure it was real. He laughed and said "Oh sweetie; it's real. And the reason I know is because every time he comes to get you he not only buys you something but he also calls you honey. We all knew it was a matter of time before this happened." I felt myself blushing after that and decided to go about my business.
When he and I got home that night, I told him that I had a really strange dream last night and I couldn't even remember yesterday. This man laughed and said "Woman; it may have felt like a dream, but, yesterday actually happened and you're still just in shock to know that I have fallen for you."
I realized that he had completely knocked my senses looser than I had ever felt and I looked at him and asked him "why didn't you say anything?"
"I don't deserve someone like you, and I wasn't expecting this." he said
"I wasn't expecting you to respond the way you did, to be honest. And I still don't know how to react to this." I said.
He smiled, took me by the hand, kissed it and said "I felt something for you that day at the Starbucks." he said.
"I tried not to fall in love with you, but, you didn't make it easy on me you know."
He laughed, leaned in, kissed my lips and this time I responded by kissing him in return.... And that was the beginning of us.