A single woman's later years

89-year-old bachelor Diana Asier lives alone in London after retirement, longing for a life of jubilation. In the early morning, she often sees five or six lively pugs wandering around outside from her bedroom, which stings her a bit. She also wants to raise a pug, but due to her advanced age and inconvenient legs and feet, going out for a walk with the dog has become a hard task, and she will also become a burden for the puppy when she falters in the process.

Years have given her empathy for animals. There is a dog at home that is as old as her, and Asir wants nothing more from him except to feed him some dog food every day.

Beginning in his later years, Asir occasionally had to deal with the wistfulness of aging. She lives in her cousin's house, which has gardens in front and back. She loves gardening in the garden, creating a poetic living environment. Once she called to order a tree fern to plant in the garden, opened the package and saw a three-inch pot inside, four fragile little leaves just emerging from the tree fern, completely different Because of the big tree she saw in the photo.

The new life reflected her twilight, and at that moment she thought she had little hope of seeing it grow into the tree in the picture.

Diana Asier is a literary editor of a publishing house in London, and has devoted more than 50 years of her life to the career of literary editing. In the last century, when literature flourished, there were very few female editors like her. She discovered and introduced well-known writers such as Beauvoir, Philip Roth, Naipaul, Updike, etc., established close cooperation with them, and achieved outstanding achievements in the industry.

Asir insisted on celibacy throughout his life, never married and had no children.

Her old age was not miserable, and some bright colors were dressed up. In her seventies, she was still working and working in the garden on weekends. Trim the branches, hoe the weeds, and plant three or four small plants in one piece of soil. She likes to dig her hands into the soil to loosen the roots and make the plants comfortable. Doing these things allows her to feel herself clearly, and her body achieves a wonderful relaxation, even though her bones hurt during the process.

The garden gradually becomes colorful. But as she got older, Asir's physical strength could no longer cope with many tasks. At the age of 84, she had to ask people from the gardening company to come to her house every two weeks to tidy up. It wasn't as much fun as doing it herself, but sitting in the garden on summer evenings was just as soothing to her.

After his seventies, Asir also needed to come to terms with the fact that sex had subsided. It had taken center stage in her life. When it came to sex, as a young man Asir believed it meant different things to men and women. "A man turns around and leaves after having sex, and every sexual act of a woman has the potential to change her life." The latter must build and nurture life with their own bodies, whether they like it or not.

Asir, who has never been married in his life, has always been accompanied by his lover. Facing her familiar lover, her body no longer responds tremblingly. At first, she pretended to feel it, but occasionally she succeeded in achieving her goal. But she knew that the real feeling was gone forever. Those scenes made her feel monotonous and ridiculous, and her desire for sex gradually receded after that.

Asir has always disliked children, but at the age of 43, she suddenly had a great passion for having children. In essence, it was a shake in her understanding of what constitutes a woman's integrity. She has always thought that she lacks motherhood, and something buried deep in her heart has awakened this year: "If you don't have a child now, you will never be able to reproduce, so no matter what happens, I will Gotta give you one." She spoke to herself, not a man, in the second person.

Afterwards, when she was with her lover, she began to deliberately neglect contraceptive measures and successfully became pregnant. In the past 20 years or so, she had several pregnancies and miscarriages without hesitation. This time she became pregnant successfully, and she began to use various reasons to prevaricate herself not to have an abortion. The thought of actually having a child, the thrilling wholeness of joy in reviewing the course of one's meager life.

The age of 43 is exactly the stage of life that Asir believes is the healthiest, but it still failed to prevent the occurrence of accidental miscarriage and almost lost his life. When she arrived at the hospital, her life was hanging by a thread, lying in a pool of her own blood, her consciousness reduced to the extent that she could only perceive the stretcher. She heard a man say, "Call him, tell him to run fast." Another said, "She's dying." Many hands lifted her off the stretcher, and the doctor prepared to do a curettage, anesthesia put her in a coma.

The disillusionment of not being able to give birth to a child as expected did not last long, but was replaced by another feeling. After waking up, her stomach was no longer bleeding, all the discomfort in her body disappeared, and a sense of joy enveloped her violently. "I'm alive, I feel whole, and nothing else matters anymore."

A childless woman can also be her whole self, she concluded after suffering a miscarriage.