A Series of Small Snippets

You try your hardest and do everything you could but you still can not help but feel a sense of dread. They are amazing after all, and the time the two of you spent together was time gained instead of lost. At least, for you it was. It all seemed to come crashing down when you mistreated them. You didn't intentionally do it, in fact you thought they were all just small things. For example, you're terrible at texting. You just can't take conversations involving a QWERTY keyboard serious enough. They were neither engaging or fulfilling to you and as a result, you would always text back without substance or hours later. Most of the time your phone is on silent, or left in another room because you just didn't care all that much who called or texted you in the middle of the day. Not a lot of people do that anyways.

You left them waiting once.. actually twice... maybe even three times. You set up a time and a date and you were late. Not fashionably late either, more like late enough to make them cry in the bathroom of a bar while they waited hours for you to see them in the cold. Again, you think, it wasn't because you didn't want to see them or feel bad about keeping them waiting. You have probably the worlds most upside down sleep schedule. You usually sleep when the sun rises and wake up when it's past noon. You always though that an alarm would wake you in time or that you just cared for them so much that you'd automatically wake up to not keep them waiting. You're an idiot. the biggest idiot. You think that now over and over again, how you've made them put up with so much while you were happy and smiling.

You thought you were doing it together with them but it turns out a lot of the times you were smiling alone while their heart was breaking. You hit your the back of your head against a solid concrete wall. You were waiting for them now. It was your turn to wait because they cried and they still stayed with you all this time. If not for your love for them, then you'd at least do it to pay the debt back in full. It's the right thing to do. Your legs were getting numb. You had been sitting on the cold linoleum floor of their apartment building for almost an hour. They don't know you're there. You know they are busy at their class from nine in the morning to noon. You specifically chose this time to wait for them outside their apartment door and surprise them with a gift, a smile, and an apology.

It's a good and sweet idea you think, but you're still an idiot because you forgot that no one is going to be there to open the door. Not even her room mates because they too are probably busy on a weekday. So you sit right in front of their door, on the ninth floor, leaning against a wall with your numb legs outstretched and your gift in the middle.

It is a plant. They liked plants. But this plant is more like a pet you think because it is a bonsai tree. It was small but the tiny gnarled trunk looked ancient and beautiful. Plus, its colorful buds bloom into flowers with petals red as a rose's. When you ordered it online and it came you were so happy to see those flowers because you knew they would love it. But the plant was stressed. It was in a new place, new environment and it needed adjusting. The tips of its green leaves browned and all of the flowers fell off. So for weeks you watered it everyday, made sure it was in a spot to catch the morning sunlight but avoid the harsh afternoon heat. Hell, you even played music for it on Spotify. Because you heard somewhere that plants liked music. For a while it wasn't working but you kept trying and eventually the flowers returned. New shoots even kept growing on its branches, branching out with new leaves and buds. The plant was doing so well that you had to trim some of these new shoots constantly to make it not look so messy. You wanted the tree to stay small and cute, because then maybe they would receive your message better based off of how the bonsai tree looked.

Foot steps in the hallway caught your attention, you'd stand up but you've done that so many times with every other passerby that you just couldn't care what they thought anymore. It was none of their business why you were sitting in front of someones door with a bonsai tree between your legs. But you were relieved to see it was one of their room mates. She had come back from her morning jog. She questioned you and you told her the truth. That you were waiting to surprise them with a gift, a smile, and an apology. She reminded you they would not be back for a while and you said that you knew. That you would wait.

They opened the door and held it open for you to enter. But even while you sat down on the floor, you didn't dare get up to enter without politely asking if you could. Like some weird polite vampire. She says that you could and that you can make yourself at home. You didn't take the second claim to heart. You don;t think that you can just walk around someone else's home all willy nilly out of the blue. You stayed politely in your own space as you entered. You tried not to touch anything, at least without asking. It was how your mother, grandmother, and three three aunts, three uncles, and late grandfather taught you. To be polite, especially in someone else's home.

You ask if you could sit at the dining table and she says that you could. She asks if you wanted anything to drink or eat and you say no. You didn't want to take food from them, you are not that close with their room mates and lately you have not been close with them either... hence why you're there. You thank them for their hospitality and show them the food you bought for yourself while you wait for them. You imagine they would be back in the apartment by one the earliest or four the latest. And it just turned ten. You put your bag on the floor next to you and took a seat at the dining table. You carefully place the bonsai tree in the center of the table, and put your bagged lunch in front.

You don't make a lot of money so all you have is a junior cheeseburger and a small soft drink. They dislike ground beef and soda but you love them. They smell of both would bother them though so you remind yourself to finish the food before they come back. She asks about the bonsai tree and you tell her all about it. She says that's sweet and sits in the chair across from you. You begin talking small talk. More just so to fill the empty awkwardness in the room's atmosphere. It was created when you entered and just decided to sit at the dining table and do nothing but wait. She asks if you would like to watch TV or something while she drank in more of her water. She was kind of sweaty and gross but you thank her for her hospitality again.

You tell her that you will just sit at the table and wait for them to come back. That you will listen to music while sitting and staring at the door. It can be seen from where you sat and you kept your eyes on it most of the time throughout the small talk. She shrugs and tells you she is going to shower and change. You say okay.

And so, you sat. You waited. Because even though they may not believe it, you did love and care for them. Maybe even more than anything. So you sit there waiting, for as many hours as it would take for them to come back, with your smile, your gift, and your apology. If your relationship with them would be over today, you remind yourself that you're keeping the bonsai tree. You worked so hard on it after all.