A Robins Nest

A Robin’s Nest

I knew him, or so it would seem. Perfect strangers that were known to each other. I’m not talking in that past life sense or casual encounters cliche sense. When our eyes met, I immediately realized I knew him. I guess a backstory would help you understand.

I needed a change. I wanted to move in the direction of my dreams and passions. For so long I felt as if I was living life in slow motion. Everyone around me seemed to pass by and move ahead. My life had been at a standstill. My career was nonexistent, I had a job and not a very good one at that. It’s taking me 10 years to finish the degree everyone finished in 4 years. I looked around and I was busy, appeared productive but my life was a mess. I was helping everyone build their dreams. My life and energy became the fuel to ignite, accelerate and move their dreams and visions along. I decided to apply for a job in a different field and use that as leverage to build the career I wanted. To live the life I wanted. To post the pictures on social media that said I had all I wanted.

I got the job, but it was hell wrapped in pretty paper. I told myself this job is the door into the room I needed to be in. My supervisor woke up every morning thinking of ways to humiliate me, sabotage me and isolate me from the team. Well, that’s how it felt at least. I never realized how miserable people really were until I started working at this “Firm”. All of the things I wanted in life so many of them had and they were absolutely the most miserable and wretched people I’ve ever met. Pretending I was on a call with a client allowed me to ignore the heated exchanges and debates amongst my co-workers. I mastered the ability to automatically respond with “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you”. I heard you. You spent the last half hour lamenting on the incompetence of half the staff to your desk mate. When that person left you recycled the conversation to a new person.

Was I happy? Was my smile real? I was. It was. I knew I was heading in the direction of my dreams, I just needed patience. Until it happened.

I was walking back from lunch when someone called to me. I turned and recognized the office secretary, Gladys. Gladys was unique in her appearance. She was as tall as she was thin. She had these striking eyes. They were like tea saucers. She was frugal in how she took care of herself except when it came to food.

“Are you single?” she asked

I tried to feign hard of hearing. I wanted to buy time to create an answer.

“I bet you go out every weekend” Gladys responded.

I found my words. “Actually, I’m a home body. I prefer a quiet night at home over the raised voices and loud music of most weekend events.” Hoping she’d stop there, but she continued to pry. I could hear myself, am I sharing too much?

“and that’s why I took some time off from dating. I want to accomplish my goals.” What goals? Gladys had a way of getting what she wanted from people with little to no effort.

“I’d like to introduce you to someone. He’s my neighbor and he’s single.”

“Thanks Gladys but I don’t know about that one.” I tried to say it as lighthearted as I could. Because I knew. I know me and I how relationships and dating goes. Either he becomes overly interested to the point of obsession or he lacked the ability to connect. Or maybe he’d be a cheater like my ex.

Gladys smiled and replied “I think you would be perfect for each other. I’ve been watching you. You seem like his type. Did I mention he’s also just getting back into dating? He’s a great catch but not good at dating. He’s awkward with women because he’s shy.”

I remember thinking so you want to pair me with you weird neighbor who sounds like a virgin who lives with his mother. Is his last name Bates? But I replied “it sounds like he’s a great guy for someone else, maybe you.” Gladys just casually replied, “I’m married but if I wasn’t I’d give him a go.” Seeing the confusion on my face she shared she doesn’t wear a ring because she’s considering divorce and her neighbor helped her find a great divorce attorney. Apparently that’s how they met. He helped her when the screaming and fighting ultimately led to him calling the police on them. He thought it was a domestic violence situation. It was Gladys going all kinds of crazy on her husband. Her husband was the one screaming for help not Gladys. Go figure.

So how did I know him? After weeks of Gladys reminding me of his greatness, I conceded. Gladys was deeply involved and handled us meeting. Our first date. It turned out to be a group date. Or gathering for a lack of a better word. Gladys had told me everything she thought I should know. I decided to search her friends list online. She had already told me things that he done for her so it helped searching for those particular posts and see who liked them or who was tagged in them. I found him. He looked nothing like the picture she showed me of him. The pictures he had posted showed a man much heavier and older than what she suggested. She clearly found the best picture of him and used that to manipulate me. A picture that was several years old. He seemed boring honestly and boring was what I needed.

I pulled into the marina parking lot. I grabbed the cooler full of drinks I packed. Gladys saw me struggling and helped me pull the cooler out of my backseat. Gladys walked ahead of me down the ramp towards the boat. I couldn’t see him from behind her body frame but it didn’t matter I knew what he looked like. But he’d be seeing me for the first time. I could see him bending down doing something with ropes. As I got to the edge of the dock near his boat I realized he was purposely busting himself to avoid eye contact. Gladys made the introductions and he looked up. I immediately realized I knew him.

When Gladys told me she was going to set me up with this hot new girl at work I initially wanted to pass. I didn’t want to met someone who I knew would reject me. Gladys described her as “gorgeous”. Guys like me don’t get gorgeous. We get plain, reliable and boring. We get the girl that’s always friend zoned. But finally I agreed to meet her coworker. I honestly thought at least I can get a picture of me with a beautiful woman on my boat. I’d post it so my friends could see how great my life was. I have everything. I just don’t have anyone to share it with. I want to share it with someone. It won’t be this woman, but at least I can pretend for a day that she finds me attractive and desirable. Maybe she will smile at me. Maybe she will laugh at my jokes. Who am I kidding, I’m going to crumble. I won’t be able to speak. Thankfully it will be a group of us and I won’t be forced to talk to her. I just need the picture anyways.

The day arrived and I was nervous. I was anxious. I was scared. I started to hope, that just maybe I had a chance. It’s possible. The movies always show the prince getting the girl. The plain girl. The overlooked girl. The always rejected girl. But what about the guy? The guy that’s always rejected. The guy that’s overlooked. Fairytales aren’t just for little girls who dream of being a princess. They’re for people like me. Guys like me. We want to be chosen. We want to be desired. We want to be loved. We also want happily ever after. I pretended to be anchoring the boat when truly I was wrapping and unwrapping the same piece of rope. I saw her from a distance getting out of her car. It was German engineered. She appeared to be short but slim. I couldn’t tell. I refused to look up, afraid I would just stare. She would think I was a complete idiot and I wouldn’t get a picture of us. She was trying to get something out of her backseat. Now I was more nervous. Did she bring her kid? I don’t have an extra life jacket for a kid. I didn’t pack snacks. What do I say to her kid. Would the kids like me? Why would she bring her kid? I know she’s a single parent so she must not have a baby sitter. I looked down trying to come up with jokes that a kid would like. I was trying to think of how to appear cool. I realized if her kid liked me, she’d have to like me. My plan was to win over her kid at all costs. I could hear their footsteps and something rolling. Gladys said my name and was introducing us. I had to look up. I had to make sure I appeared cool and confident. Kids like boats right? I’d let her kid drive the boat. That would get me so many brownie points. I can see it now. They’d be driving home and all she would hear is how cool I was, how awesome my boat is and how much they really liked me. She would smile. She would say to herself maybe I shouldn’t dismiss him so easily. She’d accept another date and this time I will blow her mind. I’d take her to the most expensive restaurant in town. I’d get the biggest bouquet of English roses, peonies and ranunculus she’d ever seen. I’d brag about my travels and invite her along casually. She’d pretend to turn me down but hope I’d ask her again. I would. I’d ask her again. We’d do all kinds of family things. I won’t be alone. I’d have a family. I’d have lots of pictures for social media. I’d really have it all.

“Semaj, earth to Semaj” Gladys retorted.

“I’m sorry, these knots are taking my mind. Hi, I’m Semaj.” I’ve messed it up before it started.

“Hi, Semaj,I’m Cheryl.”

That was it. I ruined it. I was daydreaming again. I was worried about impressing her kid. She brought her cooler. You can’t impress a cooler. When I saw her, she took my breath away. She was stunning. Her skin was radiant. It glowed. She looked like she smelled of coconuts and tropical fruits. Her hair was like a halo of curls. Long curls. They were unruly. My eyes got lost in her hair. It looked soft. I imagined waking up to her every morning. Kissing her and rubbing my hands through her hair. As soon as our eyes met, I looked down. I know her.

When Gladys said that Semaj was shy, I assumed quiet. He was painfully shy. When our eyes met, it’s like time stopped but kept moving. Like we broke from reality for an eternity but came back to the present. I knew him. I had never met him before. But I knew him. I knew his thoughts. His insecurities. His fears. I immediately wanted to be his safe place. When he looked down I knew he had assumed I’d reject him. Someone before me had rejected him. I saw the pain in his eyes. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be enough as he was. He wanted to be accepted. He wanted to stop hiding. He wanted to stop pretending. It wasn’t love at first sight. Because I already had seen him. Not physically. It’s like I’ve seen him in my prayers. I’ve seen him in my dreams. Not him physically. But who he was. It’s like our hearts started beating on the same cadence. Our breathing was synchronized. Like a dance. I could hear his heartbeat and he could hear mine. He knew my heart and I knew his. In a matter of seconds, my soul tied to this stranger. Maybe we were already tied to each other and didn’t know it. Maybe we needed today to meet. He kept avoiding eye contact with me. Finally we returned to the dock to grab another friend of his. I felt like I was privy to a small frat boy meeting. When his friend sat in back beside me and we started talking I felt his jealousy. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t stop driving. I felt the shift. I saw his body language change. It became stiff. His voice became deeper. His words were more direct and short. I was his and he was mine. He finally asked me if I wanted to sit up front beside him. I did. He tried to make small talk about boats. Asked if could swim. Showed me a boat on the water he wanted. I still remember what it felt like to have his breath on the hairs of my neck. How he finally loosened up. Him flirting. Him purposely making sharp turns so I’d fall onto him. So I’d touch him. I wanted to touch him. All of him. I wanted to feel his skin. Feel his muscles tense and relax as he drove. I allowed myself to fall into him. To let my hand grab his thigh for support to brace myself. I told him “I see what you’re up to with these curves and turns.” He just smiled and winked. The sadness was gone from his eyes. They sparkled. I saw joy in his eyes. He kept doing these thing where he’s stick his tongue out and mock me. When we anchored in the middle of the lake he stayed on with his friends. Gladys and I got in. The life jacket he gave me was swallowing me. I could barely tread water. I have a fear of deep water. I’m afraid what’s beneath the waters. Manatee or man eating bull shark. It’s shark week. But I felt safe with Semaj. I heard him say “oh she really can swim.” Men. They believe they have all the answers and truths. That we women create stories to lure them.

I met my wife. I met the mother of my children. I met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t even know her last name. I know she’s younger than me by a decade. I see how men look at her. Even Gladys’ teenaged son had fallen in love with her. He kept trying to sit by her, trying to assist her so he could hold her hand, make her laugh and she’d laugh. She’d give him a little hug and say how funny he was. How smart he was. How cute he was. I wanted her to say that to me. I wanted to be that pimpled face lanky boy. I wanted her attention. I didn’t want to share her. When we went back to the dock to grab Jason, the moment he looked at her I regretted it. I became angry. There he was sitting beside her. Laughing with her. Why was it so easy for everyone but me to talk to her. Why can’t I open my mouth. I want to make her laugh too. My heart was racing. I needed to calm down because my thoughts were getting the best of me. I can’t let my future slip through my fingers. I invited her to sit beside me up front. She said yes. I can’t believe she said yes. It is my boat after all. I’m the captain of this ship. Well this speedboat. I didn’t know what to talk about besides my boat. I told her I planned to get a new one. A bigger one. I wanted her to know, I’m the man that can change her life. I want to change her life. All I have is hers. I’d sign my house over to her if she’d ask. Please ask. Ask me something. Ask me anything. She did. She wanted to know if the new boat would have a sonar device so you could see what’s in the water. She seemed really interested in that. I told her it would. It’s a lie. I just wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted to keep her eyes on me. I wanted to smell the fragrance of her shampoo when the wind blew. I wanted her near me. All the time. I want to see her tonight and tomorrow. I want to see her in a wedding dress walking towards me. I want to see her look at contracts as we close on our lake house. I want to see her belly round with life we created. I want to hold her hand while she’s in labor. I want to see her look up at me for encouragement while our children are brought into this world. I want to see her face when she’s mad at me. I want to see her face when our daughter starts high school. I want to see her face the first time her daughter becomes my daughter and calls me dad. I want it all. I don’t have it all. It with her, I’d have it all. I playfully tried to force her to lose balance and fall into my lap. It happens in the movies. She caught on to my tricks and called me out and smiled. She wasn’t upset. I just smiled and winked. I made her laugh. I made her smile. She touched me. She didn’t pull back. She didn’t reject me. She welcomed me with her words. I didn’t want today to end. I wanted to kiss her. To pull her into an embrace and kiss her. I wanted to hold her face in my hands and kiss her tenderly. I wanted to give her what she never had. I wanted to give her what she wanted. I could do that. There was no limit to what I could give her, if she’d give me the chance.

When we called it a day and we all departed I stopped by my dads house to check on him. I thought the sun had fried my brain because I swore I saw Semaj’s car a few houses down from my dads. Is he stalking me? I fell in love with a stalker. Yes, I said it. I never felt this way before. It doesn’t feel like butterflies. It doesn’t feel like nervousness. It feels like home. It’s a peace. An assurance. I was about to send Gladys a text message thanking her for the day when Semaj had sent me a text. The time stamp shows it was 15 minutes ago. We were at the marina at that time. It said:

Hi Cheryl, it was a pleasure meeting you. I had a great time.

That’s it. I replied back sharing the sentiments but keeping it shorter than his. He had to be waiting by his phone because he immediately replied back. I wanted to see if he was a potential Craigslist killer stalking me. I told him don’t text and drive and goodnight. He replied instantly and shared he was at home already. He stayed close to the marina in a pocket enclave. I quickly went online and searched the Register of Deeds to confirm what he said. It did. He lived several houses down from my father. I’ve never seen him before. Ever. His last name was the same as my daughter’s. During our phone conversations over the next few days I learned so much about Semaj. But what floored me was that his birthday was 2 days after my dads, his favorite television show was the same as my dads, his mother’s birthday was 2 days after my mother’s birthday, he failed engagement prevented him from being married on my birthday, his father passed away the day before my sister’s birthday and we graduated from the same college.

This was too much! I couldn’t reconcile how we never crossed paths. How our life events intermingled with each other’s. I wondered if he was my soulmate. Were soulmates real. I stood in the kitchen trying to swallow these facts. I was pouring myself a glass of Merlot when the phone rang. It was Semaj.