A Paranoid Man
The downward spiral of a depressed man who's semi-better
Something is going on and I'm sure of it. There's gotta be something bigger going on because I keep going through the same thing and I keep hearing the same shit, it's tedious and it's really annoying me.
Earlier this year, I really liked this girl and the more I was around her or even talked to her, my feelings for her just got stronger. It was almost like I was Kylo Ren from Star Wars and how he was always conflicted between being on the Dark Side and the Light Side. Some days were more intense than others but I managed when it counted.
Then, one day, I ended up telling her how I felt and she told me that she was flattered but she didn't feel the same way about me, which is fine because I'm used to getting rejected so it's nothing new to me. I tried to flush my feelings for her out like I usually do when I get rejected and I was on the right track for a while until I realized that I still like her but I'm more secretive about it now, there's no way I'm telling again because I know she won't like me even if I told her again. Also, when I talked to her again one night, she told me that she's kind of seeing someone now. Again, no surprise and I honestly wish nothing but happiness for her.
Now here's where I get paranoid because there was another thing I realized when I wasn't sleeping the other night, I always hear the same thing when I like someone and it doesn't work out for me. If I hear one of these three things, I'm going to wonder something, I always hear "you're so sweet, any girl would be lucky to have you", "you're so compassionate, how are you still single?", or my personal favorite, "I'm very flattered...." and there's always a "but" at the end of it. I've heard it all so much that it's lost its meaning with me and I'm wondering that if there's something else that's being said under one of those three things that I hear when I get rejected by someone that I like.
I got rejected a lot when I was noticing girls but it wasn't until I got older and became an adult that I started noticing how I was getting rejected, this has been happening to me a lot and it's wearing me down. It's so bad that it's been getting to me, I've been changing my personality more to the point where I've been more closed off than I already am and I'm racking my brain to be around people who I trust more. If someone can see my characteristics, they'd probably compare me to Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character from the movie, "Brick". I'm always to myself, my hands are in my pockets, I'm kind of getting a hunch in my back when I walk, and this one is just a cap to let people know to not talk to me, I wear my earphones when I listen to music.
I don't know exactly what it is that they're saying when I get rejected but I know that there's gotta be something. Granted, I know that they don't owe me anything and that they're trying to let me down easy but I'm so tired of hearing the same thing because it's lost its meaning with me and it shows me that they just want to get out of there with me in the easiest way possible.
This is so hard for me since dealing with Sofia and the fact that I was always going for gals who were either taken or they have their eye on someone else, now it's like I'm picky with the kind of gals I would want to date.