A Love Letter to my Heroes

*For the sake of privacy, I do not refer to my subjects by their names but rather by what they were to me.

**Trigger Warning: suicidal ideation and death.

My dearest Beloved and Brother,

We were just children when you came into my life. Carefree in so many ways, yet it felt like we had the world on our shoulders. We were young and naive, though our innocence was already waning.

I don’t think either of you ever truly knew the influence you had on me. You brought me to life when I was dead inside. You showed me how to laugh and to love. But even more than this, you showed me how to live. For that, I want to say thank you. I’m alive today because of the two of you.

I will never forget meeting you. It was the summer of 1999, I was eleven and invisible. My invisibility had brought me to the brink of taking my own life. So much was changing, as is the case for any and every eleven-year-old. I was afraid of facing a future of pain and heartache alone. But then you appeared and everything began to change.

When we met, I was alone and afraid. But you showed me I didn’t have to stay that way. In my invisibility, you saw me and I have never truly been the same since. You helped me, simply by being there. When we met, I was alone, afraid, and beyond uncertain of who I was. Over the following seven years, you taught me more than I could have ever imagined.

Beloved, I haven’t seen you in almost sixteen years. We went our separate ways long ago. We walk on vastly different paths now, but I’ll always remember you fondly whenever our song plays.

Brother, you left this life far too soon, but you will always have a place in my heart.

I would not be the strong, independent woman I am now without either of you. When you came into my life, I was alone with nothing to live for. You saw me. You taught me how to live and how to fight for the right to do so.

Beloved, you taught me so many things. You showed me how to live a life with purpose and conviction, no matter what comes our way.

Brother, you taught me the beauty and power of joy. You taught me how to smile through the pain. You taught me how to have fun and enjoy this thing we call life. You were my friend and confidant. My only regret in life is that I wasn’t there for you as you were for me. All my days, I will remember you and how your smile could light up a room.

Beloved, you showed me the world and the beauty therein. You gave me the courage to step out in faith and confidence. You were always there when I needed you. You took care of me when I was hurt and gave me a shoulder to cry on whenever all hope felt lost. You taught me how to live. But more importantly, you taught me how to love without condition and without restraint.

My Beloved and Brother, the two of you saw me when I couldn’t see myself. You taught me that I have value simply because I am me. You gave me more than I could ever repay, but I will continuously do my best to pay it forward.

I love you both, until the stars fade, until this universe turns to dust and time itself ends. I love you both and I always will.

Thank you.

***Note to readers: If you ever find yourself at the end of your rope feeling as if death is the only answer, please remember that you have value. And please, please reach out to someone. (Suicide Prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255).