A List

"I have a list." He said. "We need to talk about some things." He said. "I wrote most things down I need to say to you." He reminded me. "Let me know when I can call." He said. "We really need to talk." He states yet again. "Are we going to talk soon?" He asked. "We cannot put this off anymore. I am going to call in 20 minutes." This was his last text. I managed to dodge him for the whole day up until now. My anxiety is rising, I'm starting to shake, and I only have 15 minutes left. What do I do now?

"It has been two years and here we are again." As he is texting me because I have purposely missed his call twice. "Look, we can either talk or I will just leave you alone. Whatever you want to do is fine with me." He says with a very strong sense of annoyance to his text. "I do not want to talk right now because I know what is going to happen and I do not want to fight." I finally text back to him.

Let me give you an in between quote thought process at this time so you can understand a bit more. By now one would have thought that I would have walked away. The thought has been there more than one time but unfortunately each time I find a way to make excuses for why he does these things. Each time however, I find it easier and easier to blame myself. My soul has managed to find its way to a black place that in some way is safer than where I have been. This is the place he likes me to be because he has the most control. See he has not just started this with me but unfortunately he gets better with time.

"I am not going to fight with you, but if that is what you think fine." He replies back. A feeling of relief came over me but it only lasted for about 30 minutes. "Hey. We seriously need to talk. I love you and I don't want this to be the reason we are over. Please at least think about it and let me know." He said. "I have thought about it. I will talk to you but you have to promise that we will not fight and you will not just tell me what I have done wrong." I conveyed to him. With excitement he replies, "I do promise. Give me 10 minutes and I'll call."

Now I know that he is going to do the complete opposite. We will talk for about 20 minutes or so and he will find a way to sneak in why he is upset and then it is downhill from there. "If you know this is going to happen, why do you agree to talk to him?" You must be asking. Well, the reason I do is because I am telling myself this time I will not let him do that and that I need to tell him all that is in my head. I need to tell him that I cannot do this anymore and I think the best thing is to go our separate ways.

As the phone rings, my heart drops, but I pick up anyway. "Hey." I start off. "Hello." He replies. "How are you doing?" He asked me. "I am alright I guess. How are you?" I reply. "Listen I want you to know how much I really do love you. I am so sorry for what happened. I never meant for it to go this far. I know that I told you to open up to me more and that I would be here to help you get through everything, but it is starting to get to me. I do not like how you handle things and I think you need to start realizing that nothing is going to change until you change. I think you are a very kind person and do anything to anyone, but that is your problem and why people walk all over you including your kids." He needed to reply.

It took less than 5 minutes this time. So the list that he has is everything that he believes that I have done that point him in the position that he is now. Making me feel at one moment that I am everything in the world to him only to make me feel like I am crazy and the reason why everyone in my life has such a hard time living, is what his goal was. It is extremely important for him to remind me of all of the mistakes I have made. When I open up to him, believing that this will bring us closer, it is really to only use it against me in the future. By the time the conversation ends, he is the victim and I am the cause of his pain.

In the beginning it was everything that I had been wanting for many years. This time, after two years, I am at the point where I understand who and what he is. He is someone who needs to be able to have that one person to control. He makes you feel important and loved only to manipulate you so badly that you are doing things to make the pain go away. He does not know how to love and more than likely does not want to love. He just wants to know that he is the most important, that no one is better than him, that he belongs in a class much higher than most of those he knows, and that he can and will do whatever it takes to continue to believe that.

If you understand any of this because you have been here or are here now, please look for the signs, trust in those signs, and believe you are more important than what they are allowing you to see. They will never change and the longer you stay in this type of relationship the more damage will be done to you until your whole life is over.

Mental and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical. If you need help to get out of this situation, please remember that there are places you can call and resources available for you. Please use them and get your life back!!!!!