A Letter to My Ex-Bestfriend

I'm not really sure if we ever really did classify ourselves as best friends in the time we knew each other, but nonetheless, you were to me. I hope a part of you thought the same towards me.

Dear Ex-Bestfriend,

Where to begin? I met you when I was 12 years old and we got along right off the bat. I was the new kid, and having you come up to me and ask me to go with you was such a huge relief. I can't repay you enough for that. You made me feel like I wasn't alone. You introduced me to your other friends and we got along great, at least that year. The next year was when things got pretty complicated and we started drifting apart. We no longer had classes together, and you found new friends to be. I didn't want to admit it then, but I was jealous and scared. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to be with you and share laughs like we did the previous year. However, we did have just one class together, where everything felt like it was alright, but that only lasted for one hour. That year ended with my feelings and worries worsening since we were on our way to high school. I was glad we were going to the same high school, but we never shared any classes all throughout. Our freshman year, at least at the beginning, we got much closer, and that's when it became clear to me that you were my best friend. Every time at lunch we spent a lot of time talking to each other, besides our group of friends. It was such a wonderful time. I loved hearing you laugh and I loved seeing you smile. We were as close as we had ever been, and I really wished that the happiness I felt would never stop. Of course, that's not the case. I wouldn't be writing this letter if that had been the case. Eventually, you started drifting off, and I became really paranoid and jealous about it again. You told me you were helping out a friend who was dealing with issues like depression, so I let it slide, but eventually I figured out that wasn't really the reason you were not hanging out with me. I don't remember quite clearly, but I think I found that out around the end of the school year. It wasn't a bad reason, but it was something I could do nothing about. You liked me, but you were a girl. Don't get me wrong, I made this very clear to you that I accepted who you were and that I was completely okay with that. However, you still faded away slowly from me, until it got so bad that we parted ways and stopped all contact. I cried my heart out like I had when I was 7 years old. I locked myself in the bathroom, and eventually my mom had started panicking that I had passed out in there. I felt so hurt and alone, that even after I cried for hours, I wanted to cry some more. That didn't mean I ever stopped looking for you though. When I walked the hallways, I always looked for you. When I was at the cafeteria, I looked for you. The times that I would find you, you would bring me great happiness and sadness at the same time. I couldn't go up to you and put my arms around you like I was so used to doing. I couldn't mess with your hair or pinch your cheeks. I couldn't do anything but look at you having fun with your other friends. One night, out of nowhere, you messaged me. Seeing your name displayed across my screen gave me the biggest smile on my face. You spoke to me about how you were depressed and how you weren't out to your family. You also spoke to me more about the reasons that you cut yourself. Previously, you had promised that you would try to give up cutting for me, and I really shouldn't have let you done that. You needed to do that for yourself, not for me. It was such a great conversation, and slowly we started to talk more and started becoming friends once again. I wish that had been the end of it, but clearly life has a different say and so did you. You drifted off again, with the same excuses of helping out your friends. I let it slide again, because I was too dumb to realize that you were lying to me. At some point I got really fed up with it and confronted you about it. You kept saying that I was too good for you and that you didn't like the fact that you felt something for me that was more than friends. I kept insisting that you were worth everything and that your feelings for me were not wrong. It went back and forth for a while, but we separated again. The second time it was a little bit easier, but it hurt just as much. I was just used to pain this time. Sometimes you messaged me when you were really struggling and I was always replying because I was always so worried about you. I didn't care that you hurt me or left me behind, I was going to make sure that you'd see the light of day, every day. We never patched things up though, our friendship had permanently ended, but my worries for you grew stronger. Who would look out for you now? Who would cheer you up when you felt like you were on the brink of giving it all up? This torment still follows me today. For the next two years of high school, like I always had, I looked for you. Any time you were mentioned I listened closely to see if you were okay. Any time we bumped into each other I was ecstatic. I specifically walked to some places just to see you smile and laugh. Then, the time came, we graduated. The ceremony had just finished and everyone was trying to find their parents outside to go home. In all of that mess, I found you, the one time that I hadn't been looking for you. We actually bumped into each other, and my eyes shot wide. I didn't know what to do, so I walked away quickly. That's one of my biggest regrets. I regret it so much, that I dream about you from time to time. I dream of that scenario being played, but this time I hug you and I congratulate you. I've dreamed that 3 times the exact same way. I dreamed about you recently too. I was with a group of friends and I believe we were at some theme park, and somehow you showed up. I was shocked, but I went along with it and we all spent the day having fun there. At some point we ended up at some airport, maybe we were traveling back home? That's the only time we had interacted the whole time. It's hard to remember if we talked, but I remember vividly that I laid my head softly against your shoulder, with your shiny brown hair softly touching my face. I felt such a great amount of happiness, but when I startled myself awake, sadness poured right in. I stayed still for a few minutes , thinking about the dream with you and how I wish that was real. Thinking about everything we had been through, I wish I had tried much harder to stay your friend. I think you might have needed me and I certainly needed you, and I still do. I have no idea where you are or what you are doing, but you will always have a piece of me. No matter what happens, I will be worrying about you and thinking about you for years to come. If there ever comes a day when you want me back in your life, I will jump at the chance and never let you back out again. My Dora the Explorer, you mean the world to me, and I love you immensely .

With love and regard,

a friend.