A Letter of Appreciation to My Best Friend and Myself

Hey best friend,

Raised in a patriarchal working-class family, we know the hardships of being a girl since we were little. We were always told to dress in a particular way, eat in a particular manner, and even had our voices monitored. Our choice to play a game, or join the badminton practice was always restricted. Stepping out of the home in the evenings was always a no-no. This gave us hardly any space to think beyond academics.

And I am so glad, that we nailed it. We topped every single exam, class, and the boards. With the best ranks in our bags, we came out in flying colors with the results of exams.

At least that is what they led us to believe, we were not better in anything other than academics.

We moved to different colleges for pre-universities and continued to shine through. With the brains like ours, we got into the top universities in the city for under-graduation.

As everything was going perfectly, there came the talks of my wedding. Everything came crashing down with the prospect of marriage. A girl’s life is incomplete without marriage and children, they said. Is it really so? I pondered. It was then I took control of my life. I decided what I wanted and when I wanted to do what.

Two years into my under-graduation, I married the man of my life. At 19, it was a far leap for all my peers, but a very common thing in my family. At 23, I got pregnant with my first child while holding two standing offers from big corporate MNCs. I declined the offers and became a stay-at-home mom. Society questioned my choices at every turn; my ability to think was roasted. There is no place in this society for a girl to do exactly what she wants. I was judged, laughed at, commented on, advised unsolicited at every decision I made.

At 26, I am an active parent of a 4-year-old, with my master’s degree in place, a job to help pay my bills, and a passion project in progress.

During the course of this time, you fought tooth and nail to break away from the shackles of the family. You managed to move to a foreign country to pursue your masters. You have met the partner of your life there and have moved in with him along with a couple of cute cats.

While we had a similar upbringing, our paths diverged to different scenes. We are two girls, who never give up on our dreams no matter what the circumstances are. Our perspectives have changed, while we find our ideologies common.

From questioning the existence of supernatural power to dismantling patriarchy one step at a time, we have come a long way. Every time we pick up the phone to have a conversation, we cannot stop talking about the stereotyping and the conditioning that has bound us so far. It is so hard to break out from the system that is so misogynist and sexist. I am glad that we voice out every time someone makes any stereotypical or racist comment. We have so many questions that plague our minds.

Some questions we regularly ask the Indian society!

What is the assumption that a woman can easily survive a day completely without any food? Why can’t all men fast for the same? Do your pious books leave men out of fasting?

What is with the rule that girls can’t sit with both legs on different sides of a two-wheeler? Firstly, why should the woman be the most religious and organized person in the family? Do her atheism and recklessness end the world? Do you know that every matrimonial ad asks for a skinny, fair, well-educated, family-valued, working girl? Does this society even know what they are expecting? In my opinion, these ads are very out of the date.

When I decided to tie the knot at 19, people laughed me out of the room. While you are 27 and unmarried, and society is reminding you of your biological clock! What is with the timelines? There are no boundaries for what a stranger or a “well-meaning” neighbor in our society can ask a girl/woman! Why do you have to judge anyone and everyone out of your prejudice and stereotypical mindset?

What makes you think I am any less of a mother if I am not gentle, loving, and caring?

Most of us don’t have motherly instincts at all and that doesn’t make me a bad mother. However, do not call my choices sacrifices and patronize me.

In fact, it makes me a normal human being to have all my emotions in the right place. It saddens us deeply that you think my son shouldn’t cry because it is only for the girls? Why should he be tough, emotionless, man-ly? Does is it make him any less of a boy to care, love, and show kindness?

Why should I, as a woman always take a step back in my career and identity? I am pretty sure that I worked hard enough to get where I am and I should be the only one to adjust? Why should compromises come naturally to me and not to the man? Society is by the men for the men because my own family thinks that I should be more submissive!

Why should I feel extremely guilty about wanting to be alone and enjoy my independence? However, am I not entitled to freedom and just live my life the way I want? Why should your judging and scrutinizing eyes make me guilty of every step I take for my mental health?

Dear Best friend,

I am happy to have you through my entire life. It makes me proud that we are finally picking up pieces of our shattered self to find our whole self. I am glad at every step where we stop and fight for our identities and perceptions. We should toast to our growth and how far we have come! The sisterhood, friendship, and our unbreakable bond keep us going.

Let us celebrate each other, girl! Let us not let society define us by curbing our freedom to a better future. Furthermore, we are the bosses of our lives, and let us continue to break every norm that is unjust to us.

To more girl power,

Your best friend!