A Good-Bye

You don’t get it. I love you more than you know, no really. I’ve been ready to leave everything and start over for you, on multiple occasions. But what do you do? You leave. You drop off the face of the Earth and act like I don’t exist. You ignore my messages and post on things to let me know you’re close by. You. Break. My heart. Every time.

I get that you love me and that you want me, but you don’t want all I come with. You don’t want to be tied down and you can’t make up your mind if it’s worth having me and giving up some of that freedom. I fully see that being with me is so drastic of a change from what you normally have that it’s scary, that it comes with a lifetime of complications that can be dangerous if handled wrong and that’s also scary. I know I’m weird and don’t do things in a normal way to easily handle, but I’ve never lead you on. I’ve never sent mixed signals. I’ve never lied to you. It’s you who can’t figure out who you are or what you want.

But I love you the way you are. I don’t want to change you, I don’t want to be the reason you give up on things you want and freedom to do whoever you want. I don’t want you to have to give up being free to leave at the drop of a hat. I’d love to be wild and crazy and fun, I’d so love to go out and party. I’d love to save up and travel or do and or buy the things I want, but I have a responsibility. I want everything you want. I want you. I want life and it to be fun. I want to be happy.

You don’t want all I want though. I’m a mother. I love my son and want more kids. You don’t. The best you said you could do was, “Fake it till you make it,” and that’s not good enough for you. That’s not what I want to put you through. You want what I want when I say; I want to wake up next to you, I want to make coffee and leave it black with the cream and sugar out so you can do it yourself (I know you get picky), or wake and leave you blueberries for you to wake up to, so hopefully you’d have a better day from working all night. I want to make you happy and just so happen to order the same things as you do on a menu because we are so similar. I want to be around you.

But I want to have a father for my kid, someone who will play with him and help me take care of him, someone he can look up to and feel loved from. I want to have a family, one that won’t fight all hours of the night or one that will make happy memories together. I want my sex life to come alive, but not so much so that it’ll get in the way of his development. I want more than you want, and I can’t ask this of you. I can’t ask you to go out of your way to fill shoes of a man you were friends with or to step in and be all that he was and more for me. I cannot watch you give up on what you want and what you love doing to fill a hole in my heart that someone else left. It’s not fair to you.

I want you to leave, to move to that state. I want you to travel, to see the world and be away from everyone you know and who depends on you. I want you to experience everything you want to and to find out who you are without giving up anything. I never want to hear you say what if or worry you never did what you wanted in life and sacrifice anything for me or my kid(s). You deserve everything you wanted in the world and I will not stand in your way. Your amazing and deserve a full life. I am not going to ask you to do anything, I expect nothing from you, but I will never love you less.

If you ever were to ask something of me, I would probably do it. You’ve said it yourself. I have a weakness for you. And that’s something that I will have to get past, you have too much power over me. I crave your words, your touch, your love. I love you and all you do. Everything from the can of Mountain Dew you gave me after a middle school dance to offering to be there for me if I left, I love it all. I romanticize what it would be like with you all the time. Thinking that you’d surprise me with a dog because I’ve wanted one for years or how you would help out around the house. But I know I’m overdoing it in my head because of what I’m going through, I know we would have problems.

I appreciate you and wish we could be closer, but you were right. We aren’t able to be platonic. We both can’t handle being just friends and we can’t be anything while you are moving away and while I’m in a relationship. I hated that you were right and haven’t been able to find a healthy coping mechanism, this is the closest I’ve come and I doubt you will ever even read this to know how I feel. We are poison for each other because all I’ve ever known you to do is love me then leave. And I can’t handle that, not anymore, not with my son, not with how much I hurt each time. I love you. Till things change, good-bye…