A Familiar Path

“If someone gives you cash for a gift, then they don’t care about you!” Wise words spoken by my father. He yelled this when I told him my then-boyfriend had given me $80 in cash for my birthday. He claimed that people gave cash when they didn’t care to put any thought into a gift. He said it equaled no effort. My dad is quite passionate about certain things. Now I see cash gifts as heartless and meaningless. My dad’s gifts to my mother and siblings always had thought put into them. I seek this out in relationships. If my boyfriend doesn’t put any thought into my gifts, then the interest disappears. I leave them. I noticed this in other people. Our parents or parental figures seem to influence who we date.

Take my friend, Precious. In early life, her parents split up, and her father, Kyle, moved in with his parents, Silas and Sloane. Precious’s grandparents spoiled her rotten to the point that she begged them to adopt her. There was nothing wrong with her mother. She was stable and took good care of Precious. The only issue is that she did not want to follow her mother’s rules. Her grandparents granted her wish and basically forced an adoption. Kyle was visible to Precious but remained absent as a father. Her grandfather, Silas, on the other hand, was a real father to her. If Sloane ever tried to set rules, she would look to Silas to break them. He always did.

After she reached adulthood, I noticed something different. In other situations, I’ve seen that when someone has an absent parent, they appear to go for an emotionally avoidant partner. In this case, she went for partners who were much older and with grey hair. I could never understand why, because in the past she dated people her own age, but nothing stuck. Once I started putting it together, I realized she only fell in love with men who reminded her of her grandfather. Silas is her comfort, and the men who stuck where to him. The man Precious ended up with is older, and she seems happy.

Vera has a father, Ethan, and he is everything you would want in a husband. Growing up, Vera saw Ethan as the protector/provider type, and absolutely devoted to her mother, Grace. Who he has on a pedestal. Ethan might yell at Vera and her siblings, but never once at Grace. If Grace wanted something, then he would grant her every wish. There is no 50/50 talk. Their agreement on money was that he would make all the money and only asked that Grace make sure all bills were paid, with the rest for her to spend to her heart’s content. If she were sick or needed help with the kids, he helped without her having to ask. Grace is spoiled, but she still did everything a wife is expected to do: cook, clean, and care for their kids. It wasn’t a chore for her, since Ethan wasn't another child to raise. It also helped that he was handy and quick to fix everything in the household.

Once Vera started dating, she realized one thing: the men she attracted were nothing like her dad. Only when she talked about how great her dad was would they pretend to be like him, but they could only pretend for so long.

Ophelia had an absent father and had probably only seen him a handful of times in her whole life. He would pop in and out but wasn’t around often. She met Damon at church. Damon liked her because she seemed like a “good girl”. Just like his mother. Damon had parents who would fight due to his father’s infidelity. He saw it as normal, and while Ophelia was pregnant and living at his parents' house, he would cheat at any chance he got. She never knew where he was, similar to her father. Every now and then, he would pretend to be better, but it never lasted. She tried everything to keep her family together, but it resulted in accepting poor treatment and staying longer than necessary.

It wasn’t until one day that she had a conversation with Vera. Ophelia wanted to get pregnant again. She told Vera that having a little girl would change his behavior. She stated, “Little girls always steal their daddy's heart.” Vera asked her if she stole her dad’s heart. Vera advised her to leave without saying anything. If he still doesn’t change or chase after her, then it’s time to move on. Ophelia left. She did return and had one more son with Damon, but eventually left for good. Once she stopped accepting poor treatment, she found someone completely opposite to her father. With him, she eventually had a daughter who stole her father’s heart.

Love that is familiar doesn’t seem like proof of chemistry. Maybe our experiences can influence our partner choices and what is accepted in relationships. Like me and gift-giving. It’s not always bad, but some people can’t tell when it’s bad. If you looked at your partner right now, are you with them because it feels familiar, or are you actually compatible?