A conversation we should have.

by Mr. Eriq 15 days ago in single

Here's the thing.

A conversation we should have.
Photo by Nuno Alberto on Unsplash

I love you. I still love you. I've always loved you. I feel like I always will love you.

I’ve accepted the fact that I will never find anyone else because you are all I’ve ever really wanted. I replay moments in our past life together like they happened earlier that day and think of what I could've done to make you love me

just

a little

longer.

I’ve seen other people, sure, but it’s hard to play a game someone has already won. It's hard to play a game that was rigged in favor of someone who seems would rather be a spectator.

A wise woman once told me, “If you don’t regret losing them, they were never worth your time,” and that’s the thing. Losing you has been my biggest regret and I haven’t even lost you. It’s not even my choice to let you go. You are still here.

Both of us playing it off as if friendship was what it was all along. Friendship was the goal from the moment we met.

You and I have had years of adventure, deep conversation, but we never went past the threshold of “boyfriend.” I don’t even remember us using the term, though our actions practically yelled it out for us. Our dates soon faded into “hanging out,” and whenever I would say anything about it, you would find just the right thing to keep me playing along or would kiss me if you couldn’t.

Even then, I love you.

I’ve had love before you. I’ve had love after you. At least, I thought I did. Yet, even then they all seem insignificant in comparison.

Since I met you, you seemed to have walked right into my life as if you were there all along. You were reclaiming something you had all along.

Even with the hurt. The tears. The embarrassment. I still feel it. You are meant to be there. I’ve tried to hate you. Forget you. Replace you.

But nothing. No use forgetting something that has been sitting there longer than you knew it existed.

I plan my life around you when you’re in town. I endure seeing your boyfriend when I pick you up from his place to go out. Catching stolen kisses red-handed in the car when he picks you up from our dinner outings because he was “in the neighborhood.” I make your friends my friends and tune out conversations about how much they love him.

Still, I love you.

So what now?

It’s hard to move forward with the past still looking you in the eye and telling you they love you.

I’ve seen other people. Tried to date you out of my head. I’ve literally traveled the world to get you off my mind. Yet, you come crashing back with a “Hi. I miss you.” You have set the bar for every man I meet, and the more I think about you, the lower the bar gets. Yet, no one seems to reach it.

And still, I love you.

So what now?

I know the ball’s in my court. I know all I have to do is tell you that I pull tarot cards for advice about you. I ask the moon for signs since I know you’re also staring at the same one, so naturally, she’d know your thoughts too. Maybe she can tell you how I feel. I know the ball’s in my court. Sadly, I don’t know how to play anymore. Like that time I finally got to see you perform. You were passing a ball to the kids on your parade route and I was stunned. It felt like I saw you for the first time. Like your shift assignment was to make me smile. I was so busy falling in love with you all over again that I didn’t even see you pass me the ball and it smacked me in my chest and brought me back to reality.

I know the ball’s in my court, but I tore up the rule book and used the scraps to spell your name. I took the scraps and made a collage of our time together. Like the one I made for you before you left for China. The one with pictures from our Valentine’s day hike where we played with wax candy lips and went looking for waterfalls while chasing a sunset. The one with pictures of our trip to San Francisco where I later found out we stayed in a hotel room paid with your new boyfriend’s...best friend at the time’s hotel points. The collage we never talked about again.

I know I have no reason to hold on to these feelings for you.

I know that at this point, it's all in my head.

I know that me telling you won’t change anything.

I know the minute I say I love you. You’ll reply with, “I love you too, but not like that.”

Still, I love you.

single
Mr. Eriq
Mr. Eriq
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Mr. Eriq

I wanted this to be a fountain of knowledge but let face it, its a junk drawer of word vomit with morsels you can use.

But for those who want to know:

I'm a singer, writer, and queer teaching artist who enjoys talking out loud to himself

See all posts by Mr. Eriq