A Comfy Corner I Can Only Wish I Had

When I close my eyes, I can see it. The room of one's own that Virginia Woolf wrote about. It's big enough for me to pace around and talk to myself when I had a stressful day. The walls remind me of the ocean with pictures from my travels decorating them.

One side of the room is a bookcase full of my favorite books. One of the shelves has all of the writing books about writing I could dream keep my hands on. Another has decks of cards from all of my travels around the world.

I keep a desk in front of the window. When I can't concentrate but don't have the energy to pace, I can look out the window. My computer sits on the desk, next to pictures of the love of my life. We hold each other in pictures, laughing. Pictures of our travels together lay across the desk.

I keep notebooks in my desk drawers. One for poetry, one for short stories, one for outlining future stories, and a dream journal for inspiration.

In the corner of the room is a rocking chair. It's an antique with overstuffed cushions that don't hurt my tailbone too much. When I need to be alone, I can curl up in the rocking chair and read one of my books. I'll lock the door, so I can't be bothered as I read. Once I turn on music, no one can bother me.

In a perfect world, I'd have that room already. I could write there during the day and read books on my days off. And when my work is done, I'd spend that time with my love, and we'd spend our nights doing whatever we wish.

But that's now how life works. You think things are going to fall in your favor, but they don't. And while your life falls apart in front of you, you're sitting on your dad's couch, drowning out your sadness with South Park. You're sitting there with your head in your hands, wondering what happened to make everything go so wrong.

No matter how good things are with someone, they'll wake up and decide they don't want a future with you anymore. Then they turn around and blame it on you like you're going to do it to them. It hurts that much more when you realize that person's projecting their issues on you.

I'm not sure what age it is when people give up and accept their lives alone. Maybe it's the day they wake up and realize the cozy room they always imagined will be nothing more than a dream.

I can't imagine it being like this for the rest of my days. I tried so hard to do right by myself and those I love, but my life is still falling apart. I work so hard to gain the life I want, but I feel as pathetic as ever.

And now I'm at a point in my life where I need to figure out what I'm going to do next. I want things to go back to normal. I want to go back to feeling loved and working on a house and living the happily ever after I almost had. I try hard not to overthink it, but it's looking like the life I thought I had was only a fantasy.

I don't know what's going to happen now. Maybe one day I'll find out things are back to normal. Or I'll realize this is all a game and leave before I end up destroyed. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on my room fantasy yet.

The day you think back and realize every choice you made in your life is a bad one is a day you give up on the cozy room. Maybe the life you always dreamed about isn't going to happen. What we have to do about it now is up to you.