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A Black Gay Experience

Dating Edition

By Isoa TupuaPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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It's interesting when sharing my gay experience with white gays. They sometimes feel like they can relate with my experience, which usually ends up in them overshadowing my experience with their experiences. To an extent, I agree that we gays have some common experiences, but just because it says "Gay" on the badge, doesn't mean you and I wear the same coloured badge. So this is like, a memo for white gays everywhere.

Recently, Munroe Bergdorf has been posting screenshots from Grindr, demonstrating the harsh realities gay men of colour experience. For some reason, people are surprised that racism exists within the LGBTQ community. I mean, it makes sense to be surprised; you'd think that those who experience being marginalised and hated on for simply being themselves, would understand to not inflict those experiences on others, but here we are.

In the search for love, my experiences have contributed to the downfall of my mental health, but have increased my "Internalised Racism," so whoo. Yes, your racism has caused me to not only believe it, but also live it out in the most unhealthy way possible!! So, thanks for that.

Most gay men can agree that dating is hard; I don't know why, but for some reason it is. Every dating app is plastered with chiselled abs and the expectation to have a face like Henry Cavill. There's the fight between being too hairy or not hairy enough, and don't get me started on these ever changing promiscuous abbreviations—"T or B," "NSA?," "ASL?"—which by the way all sound like prescribed meds. So, just because we share the same experience at this level, to dive deeper is something you're gonna have to think about.

Now, with that, I then want to bring your attention to the "No Blacks, No Asians, No Femme" profiles. Yes, you know who you are, you self-hating beings. During my time in the closet, my profile on these dating apps would usually be bare, so the ambiguity was out there to those brave enough to reply to my grey background. After some conversations exchanged, there is then the request to send a picture. I'd only send if I felt the conversation has gone well enough for it to make me feel comfortable; so imagine how I felt when after sending a picture, I get blocked, or even better, receive the apologetic sentence that is "sorry, not into blacks!" There was always the confusion and the urge to return back into my Narnia. At times, I found myself staring in the mirror trying to see if there was something wrong with my black skin, there were even times where I wished to change these qualities other people have taught me to dislike. Cruel right? But don't worry, I now know my worth, so boy bye!

I would share this with some of my white counterparts who would usually reply back with, "maybe they're not racist, sometimes it's just a preference." Hmm, see it this way, choosing to have sprinkles on your ice cream is a preference, but if an ice cream was presented without sprinkles, I'm sure you wouldn't deny it. To disregard all ice creams just because it doesn't have sprinkles sounds just as ridiculous as disregarding an entire race because your white society has told you that we were not the beauty of standard you should be seen with. It is a level of racism that you have subconsciously retained and have chosen, to actively go out and tell those of colour, that they are not beautiful or worthy enough, to be loved. We know it's not your intention, but hey, I came here for love, not to be told that my skin colour is the reason why you wouldn't get with me, but whatever.

So, with society constantly telling me, "YO! White is cute!!", my internalised racism led me to seek acceptance from white men. For some reason I thought getting a white man to love me was something to strive for. Crazy, I know. I went my way to message white men specifically, I think it was that narrow nose that really got me going to be honest. When finally snagging one, I realised, "damn, white people really are out here thinking they're right about everything." A man who I was blindly "in love" with changed my life without me noticing. It wasn't till one of my best friend said that she could barely recognise me, that I started to see the cracks. I noticed my style went from baggy-comforts, to knitted jumpers and chino pants. I noticed myself speaking...white. I also then realised, that the small comments he made was how he controlled me:

"Why do you talk like that?"

"Do you wear that hat because it makes you look 'cool'?"

"Oh, that's who you hang out with? They're a bit immature."

My need to impress him led me to distance myself from my friends. I started dressing like a middle-class, stay-at-home father. He confused me on the true meaning of the "mature." Was I being silly? Or was this just the fun I'm supposed to be having? This triggered a level of self-hate that I never had. I internalised everything, which by the way, is never a good thing I heard. There was a lot I had to deal with when dating this white man; it was all too much at some points, but I for some reason I kept going with it. I pressured myself to be like the person he envisioned, even though deep down, I knew I could never be that person. So, white gays, answer me this, has society made you feel like this about your skin before? Do we still share the same experience when it comes to dating and relationships? A bit? Hmm, interesting.

A lot of white gays are out here not realising their privilege and how their entitlement can erase a sense of being within those of colour. It might not be your intention, but being aware of how your behaviour impacts others, is something you can start doing. Please do not get this confused as a post pleading you to give people of colour a chance, no not at all. Your ignorance will be your loss because we're bloody amazing. Just try your best to unlearn certain things, so that way when it comes to it, your choice can be based on character rather than skin colour. Also, stop asking "Are you hung?" as a replacement for "hello," because your mother raised you better than that.

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About the Creator

Isoa Tupua

Just a guy who is trying to express a viewpoint...

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