A 2020 Survivor

Before 2020 happened, I might have sat here and written some happy-go-lucky rubbish about my new year’s resolutions and how this fresh start would mean more hours in the gym and embracing, yet another, health kick. I would have rambled on about how this year would be my year and how happy I was. Not only is that boring and predictable, but it would also be a lie.

I doubt I’m alone when I say that I am a survivor of 2020 but have escaped a little differently on the other side.

In the interest of being completely raw and honest, I’m going to be blunt and say that we shouldn’t enter 2021 in the same way we do each year. We shouldn’t start the year pretending that everything is fine and that this year will be different. It’s time that we take off our masks and finally allow ourselves to be real and vulnerable to one another.

Look 2020 wasn’t kind to me, my mother passed away. And of course, I didn’t embrace it with open arms. I ran away. I pushed it down. I pretended it didn’t exist. I forced myself back into what I thought was ‘normal’. I went back to work, carried on meeting friends and I talked about her death as if I was recalling my trip to the shops. I felt that I needed to be strong and therefore, I couldn’t let myself feel anything or heaven forbid show the world that I had emotions.

On the outside, everyone thought I was doing great and coping well but no one really knew what was going on inside, and nor did I let them see that. I kept my emotions close to my chest and my walls firmly guarded. And in hindsight, I look back and I think what was the point. Why was I hiding? It didn’t benefit them and it definitely didn’t benefit me.

But as expected, it wasn’t long before my walls all came crumbling down.

My breaking point was 5 months later when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise the person staring back at me. I wasn’t this grumpy, snappy, and highly irritable person that I had become. I had gone from being this caring person that was everyone’s Agony Aunt to not caring about anyone or anything.

This wasn’t me.

I battled my demons alone and kept pushing through day by day hoping that eventually it would all go away and fix itself. But like a broken arm, you can’t fix mental health by ignoring it. And so I had to admit two things to myself; one, I couldn’t keep living my life this way, and two, I had to do something about it.

I finally decided to take a break from the stresses of life and take a long hard look at myself. Once I had it in my head to make a change, it unleashed a domino effect on my life. I finally booked that therapy session that I had been putting off and discovered things that I used to love to do such as writing, designing, and picking up that Ukulele I swore I’d learn during lockdown. I made the choice to put myself first.

But I’m not going to lie, I’m not fixed, it’s not an overnight job. But it’s taking those small steps, making little changes, and taking life a day at a time until you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that like me, many of us entered 2021 hoping for a miracle, a change, or a fresh start to hit us and help us forget about the wounds that we uncovered in the last year. But one month in and we’re realising that a new year didn’t mean that our issues mysteriously vanished. If anything, it’s becoming clearer that our reflection in the mirror is nothing but a stranger.

In many different ways, 2020 has left us a little broken and confused, and for some, it’s forced us to spend enough alone time with ourselves to realised we’re not where we’re supposed to be or who we want to be.

2020 was the shake-up we all needed and instead of rolling up our sleeves and closing the chapter like it never happened, we should be thankful to 2020.

We should learn from those challenges, be a little more grateful for what we have, be a little kinder to ourselves and give ourselves a little tap on the back for getting out of bed each day and doing that thing we don’t want to do.

2021 shouldn’t be a year of reinventing ourselves and starting all over again, but it should be a chance to rediscover the person you’ve somehow lost along the way.