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9 of the Reddest Flags You Can’t Ignore

Learn from my mistakes, please.

By Harley MyersPublished 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 7 min read
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9 of the Reddest Flags You Can’t Ignore
Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

Once you get over the initial rush, lust, and strong obsession you feel for someone, it’s time to let the dust settle and keep your eyes open for the red flags you’ve been ignoring.

Literally no one is perfect, and flaws are inevitable, but I’ve assembled a list of red flags that you cannot ignore, no matter how good the sex is.

1.) Listing the nice things they do for you:

The first time I noticed an ex listing things to me, they’d started with listing the gifts they’d gotten me. This wasn’t prompted during an argument, and there was no malice in their voice, but in a playful tone they’d said, “How many things have I gotten you so far?” and then proceed to name every purchase they’d ever made. It was kind of weird, but I let it go. Eventually, as the relationship turned from months to years, they’d end up listing nearly everything they did for me, and in arguments this became a sort of fuel to use against me. If your partner is keeping a mental tally of the things they get for you/do for you, then they’re likely saving this up to throw in your face and/or keeping a tally of everything in effort to gain the upper hand, which leads me to my next point...

2.) Keeping track of how many times you’ve had sex:

In the beginning its sort of fun to say, “wow we screwed 6 times today!” but as you start to shift back into the reality, monotony, and rigors of everyday life – sex frequency inevitably dwindles. If you find your partner reminding you of the last time you had sex, or saying “we’ve only had sex twice in the past month” and it makes you feel a bit cringey because they’re insinuating it’s time to get down to it, then that’s a red flag.

3.) They don’t like any of your friends:

An ex of mine used to talk shit on all of my friends – the closer you were to me, the more they tried to discount the value of that friendship. Unless your friends are stealing from you, constantly lying to you or treating you like outright garbage, then your partner should make a point to want you to cultivate your friendships, and find the value in your relationships with other people. On the same note, if they aren’t comfortable with you spending time with your friends without them, it’s time to go. A partner that doesn’t respect and admire the connection you’re capable of making with others won’t value your position as an individual in your own life.

4.) All of their exes are “crazy”:

Pay special attention to how your partner talks about their past relationships. Sure, maybe they did date someone who was literally of their rocker, however, if every person they ever dated was “toxic” then this says a few things about them:

a.) If the exes actually are crazy, then their judgement is really shit.

b.) Their own behavior and patterns caused backlash in their past relationships and instead of working on their own issues, they would rather insinuate that every other person in their life is the issue.

If your partner is able to have a conversation about how their past relationships have taught them things about themselves, shaped how they want their future relationships to look, and lessons they learned about their own love language – then they’re able to think critically about their role in your life and what they can bring to the table. A person who believes every one of their relationships ended because the other person is a “sociopath” then take a minute to put yourself in that person’s shoes, you might gain a new perspective.

5.) Blaming you for their feelings about you:

Saying things like “you made me fall in love with you” or “I wouldn’t be so into you if you didn’t say or do xyz” is a way for them to blame you for their own feelings. This is a sign that your partner is lacking emotional maturity. You are not responsible for how they feel about you, and if an argument or discussion prompts them to remind you that you’ve done something to MAKE them like/love you, then you need to get out. You aren’t responsible for their feelings towards you, however strong or unintentional they may be.

6.) They make you promise you won’t leave them:

Listen, I love security as much as the next person, but as mature adult human beings, we need to recognize that we cannot make promises we cannot keep, and this is one. A sad fact of life is that feelings change, relationship structures change, and people sometimes grow in different directions. If you find your partner often makes you promise you won’t leave them or break up with them, then they need to address these feelings in therapy. These types of requests are emotionally manipulative and so is this next one.

7.) They beg you not to break up with them:

I don’t know about you, but there has been a time in my life where I’ve said the phrase “I tried to break up with them but it didn’t work.”

Looking back now, it makes my stomach hurt to think about the times I would try to end a relationship only to find that my partner starting to cry and beg would force me into staying against my better judgment, which is another form of emotional manipulation. Newsflash – people are allowed to leave you. You are allowed to leave. The idea of someone begging you to stay is some sad Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind bullshit that doesn’t work in the real world.

8.) Your partner never shows anger or frustration:

I know you’re probably thinking that a lack of showing anger or frustration is probably a good thing, however I can assure you that it is NOT. That even temper/ “all is good”/ “nothing bothers me” sort of mentality just means that your partner is storing this shit up somewhere and when shit hits the fan, it’s going to splatter all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling, the couch, and the cats. Healthy emotional responses include showing anger and/or frustration towards things, it doesn't necessarily have to be at or towards YOU, but human beings get frustrated. Hiding or stuffing that emotion down is damaging to them, and to you. Also, it’s really *good* to see how your partner reacts to something when they’re upset – do they throw things? Scream? Cry? Start cleaning the entire house? Whatever it is, it’s good to find out how they react to being frustrated sooner rather than later.

9.) You don’t feel comfortable sharing details about the innerworkings of your relationship with a close friend:

You know that best friend you have, the one who’s exempt from the “don’t tell anyone I told you this” rule? If you won’t share details about your relationship with them, then this is a major red flag. Now I’m not saying you need to share ALL the intimate details of your relationship with anyone, but if anything goes on in your relationship that you wouldn’t want to tell your best friend, then you really need to assess your situation and make a change. There was a time when I was in a very toxic relationship and handfuls of friends and various coworkers knew small details, a fight here, a disagreement there, usual sorts of things. The reality was, this relationship was becoming abusive and the slow burn allowed me to really ignore a lot of the absurdity I was letting myself go through. It wasn’t until I really divulged a lot of the details about what was going on at home to a friend that I found out I was in trouble. Once I shared more information about that I was experiencing, my friend hit me with a “what the actual fuck?” and that alone was enough for me to start assessing my relationship and what was going on. Sometimes it takes another perspective for you to really see, and if you aren’t comfortable sharing something with one of your closest friends for fear of what they’d say, that alone already speaks volumes.

It's easy to get blinded by the light, so to speak, when you're in a new relationship. A lot of times, we find ourselves in partnerships that are riddled with red flags because we want to be in a relationship, maintain comfort, or think we don't deserve better.

If you, or someone you know, is in a dangerous situation please refer to the National Domestic Violence Hotline to call, chat, or text with someone who can help, or text "START" to 88788.

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dating
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About the Creator

Harley Myers

trauma survivor.

chronically ill.

doin’ my best.

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Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

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