9 LDR tips for success

Does it have to be this hard? Are we making it harder than it has to be? Why does being so far apart cause so much stress? How will we make it? What can we do to make this work?

Are these questions that you and your spouse or significant other ask yourselves?

Long-distance relationships are difficult, they're not cut out for everyone. That's ok.

Long-distance relationships are so special and precious. They are also very fragile. Hello, Loves! I want to give you 7 tips on how to build a stronger relationship even while apart. While we hit these main points be open-minded to how these may not be for everyone but still worth a shot!

Key #1 Be Open with each other.

I know this sounds basic, but I put this first for a reason, and that’s because we are open, but we get complacent. When something bothers you talk about it; don't wait for it to build. Communicate what is on your heart and mind.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." -Stephen R. Covey.

Be patient with one another and let them talk, listen

Share and listen to what you or they needed to share, even if it seems like something small or you/they don't know how to communicate it. Walkthrough discussing it calmly. Let it build more trust and honesty. These are very important to have.

Make them feel understood by how you respond or relate. Something that my husband and I found so beneficial and growing for our relationship was talking about our childhood lives.

What hurt us growing up that causes us to trust people less?

Who we looked up to?

What emotions were we allowed to talk about as kids?

What emotions were we not allowed to talk about and act out?

Childhood traumas and joys?

What kind of child were we for our parents?

What pressure was put on you as a child?

What were your parents like to you; positive and negative?

Find out why they are who they are today! What their foundation was!

Key #2 Be patient with each other and respect their individual life.

It is easy to get overwhelmed with things that bother you about your SO. Schedule, priorities, struggles, communication, career, style of living, time management. However, raising your voice, getting impatient, or angry is only going to

1) build pressure

2) cause an explosion

3) make it harder to focus and listen

4) hurt you both more.

When you have something that bothered you and you're talking about it or you hold back from talking about it to the point it escalates to the 30th floor. It causes one of you to shut down and not be as open to listening because you feel attacked before you even know why, or before you thought out how to communicate it.

Each of you will be calmer and understanding when you bring things up peacefully. Respect goes a long way. It shows that you love them, and you care and want to understand them! It shows that you are willing to communicate and work on a better way of moving a situation around so you both can conclude what is healthier for you both.

Yelling or coming across as upset and disrespectful (attacking them) shows you just want to shoot them down and make them feel bad about how they haven't noticed. You both are growing in the relationship. Don't hold yourself superior, but respect one another's heart. You are each other’s heart keeper, so keep it safe so they don't feel like they need to put up walls to guard themselves against their own loved one.

You want them to come back to you and trust you with their feelings not to shut down and become guarded, that is a closed relationship no one is open to growing.

Key #3 Reassure each-other.

Being far away puts a strain on the ability to consistently:

1) Feel each other there in person.

2) Know they are not leaving.

3) To see them in front of you to know they're safe.

4) That they're coming back home to you.

5) That they are the only one you ever want in life.

Do you tell them that when you are away from them? You may notice we don't tell them as much when far away as we do together, some people you tell more when you are away than when you are with them in person, don't ever get complacent with this.

It doesn't matter if you just told them 20 minutes ago that "I'm never leaving you" and you say again "I'll always be your girl/man." It is still so precious, no matter how you say it or when. It is a verbal gesture that shows you are thinking of them and you understand that they miss you just as much as you do if not more. So when you see that look on their face, or you sense that uneasy look in their eye, reassure them.

My husband and I go through this often when deployments happen, being pulled apart in distance for long years at a time, or sometimes just a few months, but it helps by making them feel comforted, thought of, and missed. It builds a bigger level of love and understanding. Showing compassion is so important through reassurance, so remind them right now!

Key #4 Be Individuals together, Encourage His/Her purpose.

Understanding the lives of your significant other is so important for their personal growth. This must be respected and encouraged. We all know how amazing it feels when you see something that makes your loved one laugh, or when they are so excited about something they accomplished.

Be their believer even though they got it together. Most times they seem like they do, but everyone is scared of failure.

"Babe you got this." "My love, I believe in you." "I love how driven you are, go get ‘em!"

It is so attractive to see them grow. You know who they look up to for that support right? You got it, it's you! When we see what our loved one gets to do and how happy it makes them, it causes such a deep connection between you two, along with understanding what they need, like, enjoy, and what grows their passion for life. Push them towards their accomplishments and goals.

If they share something they are passionate about encourage them and guide them, watch how it grows them, don't hold them back, or make them stick around to your schedule and comfort, that is only going to make them feel suffocated and want to distance themselves from you more. This is letting them be their own person with you by their side. It's ok for them to have hobbies or passions that don't include you in them, but that doesn't mean they don't need you being their big cheerleader on the side!

This makes them feel so appreciated, accepted, respected as an individual with their own life, and supported! It builds a bigger bond between you two, causing you both to share your interest more because you know you will get positive feedback that is in their best interest not to just suit the need of just one person. You both must be individual people connecting together.

This helps you both have the independence to follow your own goals while still coming together at the end of the day to share those activities and accomplishments to seek advice, input, good critique, and support, keeping you both with your sense of life without feeling bound to the other one’s wants and desires.

Key #5 Spend good quality time and show a deep desire for them.

You may think, "I am spending good enought time with him/ her already" however think about how you are spending that time together? Is it both of you on the phone? Have you spent much time together outside of social media, or you are always doing stuff around the house when you can tell they just want you to come and sit with them and read a book or watch TV?

Sometimes you both don't notice it, but you feel distant and you start to feel uneasy around each other and far apart, and you don't know why, yet keep spending time apart.

Set aside time to sit and talk, play a game, have sexy time, cuddle, make out, read together (or to each other) go to the park, write letters to friends together, hit up a coffee shop together and read there. The possibilities are limitless!

There are so many ideas! I know when you both come home from a tiring day and you don't want to do much, but you still need to connect. Cuddle and share your heart, rely on each other at that moment that you need them. Spending time like this makes them feel needed, wanted, craved, and important. For him it also makes him feel like "The Man" when we (ladies) rely on them.

Key #6 Keep it Spicy

The feeling of intimacy is such a special, precious, and vulnerable thing. When you both can share and release those feelings together, it builds such a strong bond between you two. This doesn't have to stop when you are far away. Communicate what you like, what you would be uncomfortable doing over the phone, video, or photos, etc. Get to know what works best for you both, yet make sure you make time for sexy time. Some ideas: Lay naked next to the video chat together and just talk, maybe read a book to each other, listen to music see where it leads but don't put pressure, respect how you both are feeling. Enjoy wine or a beer on either end. You both can get in the bathtub where you are and just sit and talk. Listen to a podcast during it or some music.

Take each other on a virtual date to go out to eat, take them to the park on both ends and talk about things to catch up on (stay away from the stressful conversation, save those for non-sexy time).

If you are unable to video call and your hormones are not disappearing, share that with them and enjoy some sexting, tease them and have fun with it, but respect where they are going with it on the other end. Ask them sex questions, use that time to understand more of what they like so next time you are together you can explore.

Key #7 Reflect for success

This is where you both will look back on past difficulties, and situations that looked bad or you both had trust issues on. Reflect on ways you both can plan on fixing those situations, grow and learn from the past and even present situations. Plan for success, don't put yourselves in situations where you both lose trust for one another. Men don't put yourself around women unless it's business or your wife is right there, watch those temptations. Women, the same with you. We hold such a huge role in our relationships and our lives by how we live it, be careful how you are building your reputation.

Key #8 Don't turn to the distance for avoidance or easier choice.

We are independent humans, and it is easy for us to want to fall back into our "it’s just me" shell. That all changes when you are in a relationship. You are still your own individual person, but you have someone to share that with now who wants to hear, understand, and love you through every single situation.

When we go through something stressful, we want to focus entirely on that putting other "priorities" to the side like our spouse or our own health. We start to grow distant emotionally and sexually not wanting to communicate as much, becoming quieter, and building a wall of self-protection for the energy we barely have.

With my husband, our military mission sometimes goes first over them, and it's really hard to have that be the situation. This caused a lot of stress between us because we stopped communicating well. It built a fog of uncertainty, fear, and misunderstanding, which will make you feel worse because they don't understand you, but especially for the one who is on the receiving end of this (usually the one home or the one that isn't feeling drained). Catch yourself and lean on your spouse, communicate, and share.

Of all the times to draw closer than farther, that is the moment. Put pride and exhaustion into a conversation and start telling them so they can start to better understand you, and be there to support, pray, and hold you.

Key #9 Don't always be serious.

Talking about things that are always depressing and serious takes it out of us. We thrive off of positivity, and it's healthy. The same goes for your marriage; make sure you both are keeping a healthy balance of fun times, and happy, goofy conversations that make you both smile and laugh. Learn each other’s humor and what makes you both laugh. Doing this helps you both stay positive, to know what makes them happy, and not go towards "worse case scenarios" all the time.

There is a time to be serious and a time to laugh. I feel mostly that there are more times to laugh, and we need those times. Leave work at work unless you need to share a stressful situation for feedback or understanding.

Some ideas for creating postivity:

1) Listen to a comedian together.

2) Play a fun game that makes you both happy.

3) Have a campfire at the end of the day if you’re able.

4) Watch a funny movie.

5) Send memes to each-other- share what you find funny so you both can learn each-others humor.

6) Talk about past funny times.

Try these out loves and watch how they build and grow your relationship. Learning new things about each other is a lot of fun and gets taken for granted so much. Don't get complacent with your spouse. Let them know you always seek them out.