7 Stages Grief: Breakup Edition

"The portrait of a relationship is a hard one to paint" - An Uber driver I had once near Raleigh, NC

You've heard about the seven stages of grief for the person that is dealing with a death.

What about the person that deals with a break up? Is that not in some way a similar loss?

Picture this: Day in, and day out, your life involves another person. What are they doing today? Let me text them. Do I need to expect them at home tonight? From fancy dinner's of mac-and-cheese to a partner on the couch watching The Great British Bake-Off you expect another person. Someone to share the ups-and-downs with. Someone to talk to. Someone that asks the simple things and the hard things. Someone to be with.

Then for one reason or another, the relationship ends.

Often it's not a ceremonial process, it's not planned like a graduation or a going away party. It's a rupture. It's a shattering of a shared life back into two separate and distinct pieces.

And it hurts.

There's grief. And when there's grief, especially for something as pivotal as love, there's a grief cycle.

Shock and Denial:

Denial in this sense is not a cognitive thing. There's no doubting that it happened. It's your brain saying "I don't accept this outcome". You try for a while to pretend that it has not happened. (Not in the creepy way where you pretend you're still in the relationship) but in the way that you keep on doing the same things, living a similar way, watching the same shows. Eating the same things. As if nothing ever happened at all.

I've gone through this stage a lot. One thing that I'm always tempted to do is 'be friends' - I used to believe that as two mature adults, it should be possible to be friends with the person who you were just in a relationship with. There are exceptions to this, but - you shouldn't.

Why? Because your brain is still dealing with the loss. Because you're trying to build your life back over, and having them there is like carrying around a cadaver from the past into your future. It's important to feel everything (fully) and move forward - and sometimes not being friends with that person is the fastest and best way forward.

The mature thing is not to pretend that you weren't hurt, and that you don't have emotions to process. The mature thing is to grieve the loss and move forward.

Pain and Guilt:

See? This one makes so much sense. There's so much pain when it starts to sink in. The person who's shoulder you would lean into is no longer there. The 'good morning beautiful' text no longer gets sent or received. Thoughts still linger on them for a time - What are they up to now? I wonder if they're getting along alright? I wonder if they're thinking of me like this?

The guilt happens to both parties as well. The person who gets broken up with will take it upon themselves. What did I do? What could I have done better? I'll never find love like that again, what's wrong with me?

The person that did the breaking up will bother their brains with questions like: Did I do the right thing? I think I messed up. Maybe I should go back. There's still time. He really was sweet, and nice. I might never have love like that again, what's wrong with me?

The important part during this stage is to take it. Feel it all. Breathe it in. The pain will help you heal. Don't, don't, don't push that pain down. Cry. Cry loudly. Blare that music and scream at the top of your lungs. As the questions come answer them. Answer them verbally. What's wrong with me? Nothing. What could I have done better? This, or that. I'll do better next time, or maybe nothing. Will I ever find love again? yes.

You did the best you could with what you had. No one can ask more.

Anger and Bargaining:

It comes in hot after a break up. The burning sensation you get in the belly of your soul.

How dare they!?

Don't they realize everything that I've done for them! They'll never find anyone like me, I hope they're happy!

This step is important. You have to feel this too. If it means sending a text do it - be crazy! Villify them! Do what you have to - (don't kill anyone please, or vandalize stuff) Do what will release that anger. Write a letter, get everything out that they ever did to you, everything that you wished you would have send and burn it.

Let the smoke rise from those words and feel the heat of your rage pour over you like lava over a field of grass.

After this you'll bargain in a way.

I'll show them, I'll date someone a million times better than them. They'll be sorry they left me. I'll show them that I was always worth more than they could give!

You'll need that hope for the next step anyway.

Depression, Loneliness and Reflection:

Tell me this doesn't sit true. This is more than the pain felt in step two. This is when you start shutting away people. When you close yourself off to the world because you can't take it anymore

Interactions hurt.

Everything takes too much effort.

Occasionally the desire to eat and sleep grows weak.

This one. This one is one of the few ones that is hard to help anyone through because there's only one great remedy: Time.

Upward Turn:

Day by day you'll keep going. You'll realize that the loss of them is not the end of the world. It is not the end of all things. There are other shows on Netflix. You can enjoy mac-and-cheese without them.

In movie it's usually shown as a one-day even that turns everything around, but that's not life. It could take a month. It could take a year. It's that age old analogy of the jar of your heart and the hurt of the moment. The hurt never decreases in size, the size of the jar increases.

You can fall back into that blurry state, and it's not as simple as a cut and clear stage as it is a muddy set of steps that you traverse carefully.

Reconstruction:

I mentioned earlier that something broke/ruptured. In order to get your single life back, you'll need to reconstruct it. This is the part where you figure out who you are now.

You were someone before the relationship and then through interactions and time you grew into someone different. Little by little you changed, and you built a small life with a person.

Then it broke, and now you have a piece of a person on you. You've gotta break that off, and figure out who you are. It's not quite the same as the person before the relationship, or the person during. It's you now.

You've grown and matured, and changed. Who is this? That's what you have to figure out during this stage.

Acceptance and Hope:

This. This is where you feel it. The sense that you are who you are because of the experiences you have. You can look back now on the relationship and see the bigger picture.

It's the stage where you can appreciate the relationship for what it was, without the angle of someone who has been hurt by the contents of the painting.

Now. Now you can be friends with that person.

It isn't until you've let them go that you can move on. If you feel the need to be friends with everyone this is the stage where it won't hurt as much. I still say it's difficult and not every person can manage it. But if there's any stage where it's possible this is it.

Why? Because it's the one stage where you genuinely want the other person to be doing well (with or without you in their life).

It's the stage where you'll look forward to the future the most. The past is a painting, a portrait of a time that was fun and beautiful and lovely. The future has yet to be painted and you have so many more colors to use now.