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7 Cooking Hacks for the Busy Millennial

by Garrett Warren 12 months ago in humor
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Simple tips and tricks to make life easier!

7 Cooking Hacks for the Busy Millennial
Photo by Michael Browning on Unsplash

We Millennials are a varied lot. Some of us are somewhat young; others are nearing that age where we will need to take them out behind the barn and put them down. But young or euthanasia-adjacent, we all have one thing in common: we are busy.

Many of us hit college or the workforce in ’08 when the housing bubble burst and thrust the world into an economic tailspin. A single, high-paying job offering financial security was a distant fever dream. Due to our environment in those dark times — we are now all about the side-hustle. But all that hustling doesn’t leave a lot of time to cook food, and food is the fuel we need to hustle hard.

Here’s a list of cooking hacks to help ease things in the kitchen.

1 — Cook your eggs in the microwave.

Just use a microwave-safe coffee mug and crack 1–2 eggs inside. Do not leave it in the shell. It will explode! Cook for about a minute, then check its completeness. If it needs to cook longer, add time in 30-second intervals. A tasty time saver!

2 — You always use both, so just put the salt and pepper in the same shaker.

Why add a dash of salt from one shaker, then a dash of salt from another? Name a single recipe that doesn't call for both. Good luck!

If you put them in the same shaker, you won't spend precious side-hustle seconds looking for one or the other since you never ever remember where you put them down.

One Shaker = No problems!

3 — Leave your oven on all the time to save time preheating.

How many times have you come home from work and just wanted a pizza, only to have to wait for the oven to reach optimum pizza temperature? Well, if you always leave your range at 400°F, you won’t have to. If it needs to be hotter or colder, turn the knob to the desired setting. You still won’t have to wait as long as you would if you were starting from a cold oven!

4 — Rent an apartment above a butcher shop.

Find a suitable Meat Man, and live above his shop. Throughout several evenings, cut a door in the floor of your apartment over the meat counter, so you have easy access to fresh meat for free. If you don’t have a rope, now would be the time to get one!

I don’t recommend climbing down the rope. Put something sticky on it and use that to pick up the meat. Maybe use one of those grabby things people with mobility issues use to grab things out of reach. If you can get a long one to pick up the meat, that would be best. Otherwise, you’re going to need to get crafty.

Perhaps dangle the grasper from the rope while you use a long stick to press and release the lever. It will take some practice, and you will leave a mess, but if you're subtle the meat store will think it just has ghosts.

5 — Propose a zoning bill to get your town to allow the otherwise space above Big Pete’s Butchery to be converted into a small apartment.

So Pete said it was okay for you to live on his roof and even gave you competitive rates! But a pesky group of elected officials passed a bill some years ago that won’t allow you to live there. Most of them likely come from old money and don’t know about The Hustle life. Don’t worry; we’ll fix it.

When they open the forum, you’ll need to figure out and submit a bill to overturn §1.44 of the 1949 Commercial Zoning Restriction.

6 — Blackmail the Town Council.

So it turns it that the open forum was a mistake. The Town Selectpersons shot your bill down like it was a raise for school teachers. We’ll need to get creative. I recommend hiring a down-and-out hacker to investigate the rumors of the First Selectman’s financial improprieties.

While that is underway — give it time — employ the use of veiled threats on the others. Make them reintroduce your bill, which they shortsightedly vetoed due to the space above Big Pete’s being a disused water tank rather than something residential even though it’s none of their goddamn business where you choose to spend your time.

It might be best to bring a weapon of some sort if you plan on physically intimidating the town council.

7 — Learn wilderness survival skills like starting fires to avoid trips into populated areas so you can stay off the grid and increase your chances of evading capture, as well as to burn the more incriminating tools you used to accost the town selectmen.

I stole a cell phone out of a woman’s purse, and I have maybe 10–15 minutes before she figures out it’s gone.

Due to the digitization of information, print shops are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I need to print out all these “Wilderness Survival” how-to guides. It’s very frustrating.

No one carries money anymore. It’s all credit cards and payment apps. I managed to steal a bunch of camping gear from a Gander Mountain truck. Getting food is going to be tough. I strong-armed a Honey Bun truck so I should be okay for a while. But I fear my foraging is bringing The Law's attention to my general whereabouts. I'll need to risk exposure and starvation and head deeper into the woods. It may be some time before you hear from me again.

Never forget to Hustle.


About the author

Garrett Warren

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