6 Ways to Lose Your Black Card

The first thing you need to do to lose your Black Card is to read everything that is not tied down. Of course this means perusing (I read that word somewhere) works by Shakespeare and Philip K. Dick. Not necessarily lighter fare such as See Spot Run or Playboy (I hear that last is an actual publication), though those are also acceptable. The reason this is a bad thing is because all the good stuff is clearly on TV and not in books. I mean, how can studying Plato measure up to season three of Real Thots of Detroit? Clearly, such TV programming is enormously beneficial only to those who are interested in those genuine garden tools over yonder. In Detroit.

Anyway, I have found that when you read in public, it draws stares. This is surely because those watching the reader want to know if the book in question has Wifi, or can take photos simultaneously. I did read a book once that HAD pictures in it, but they were conducive to the story, which interestingly enough was about a boy and his camera.

It is said that if you want to hide something from black people, put it in a book. I will say that that statement is sort of true. There are all kinds of good things in books that one will not find on TV or a Facebook timeline. Unfortunately, when I try to share those ideas, the listener’s eyes tend to glaze over and I feel like the Pokemon Jigglypuff when she sings and everyone falls asleep.

I have met other Blacks who read books. Many of them are college graduates or Nerds and we meet in coffee shops to discuss books and drink designer tea. Well, they drink designer tea. I like hot chocolate. Don’t judge me.

The second way to lose your Black Card is to be a Nerd. Preferably one with glasses because those are what we lesser Nerds refer to as Ace Nerds. They usually end up running billion dollar companies. I think maybe I should buy some glasses… What was I saying? Oh yes. Nerds. So anyway, most people don’t realize the word Nerd derives from the word Nero which means Ruler. Nerd itself means One who will eventually rule you, which is how Bill Gates and Steve Jobs ended with most of your money.

I have been a mildly successful Nerd, though clearly not an Ace Nerd. I partake in many Nerdish activities with my fellow Nerds. Some of those activities include dressing up like Star Wars characters and attending conventions where we cheer for our favorite space movie actors. We’ve also been known to visit museums where we walk around staring at paintings and sculptures until our feet threaten to fall asleep. When we invite non-Nerds, they actually DO fall asleep. That is a shame because they miss the Greek exhibit, which is to die for.

The third way to lose your Black Card is to listen to Heavy Metal or Thrash Metal. This is good music to clean the house to because it makes you move really fast. That can be a good thing to remember when you have been playing XBOX all day and you realize your wife is pulling into the driveway. In a dire cleanup emergency, I recommend System of a Down’s "BYOB." The house will be spotless in the five minutes it takes for the song to end. You’re welcome.

Most Black people know at least one rock song, which may cause other Blacks to give them the side eye on long road trips. Particularly if they know all the words, a la "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen or "Jump" by Van Halen.

One should be careful at this point since the aforementioned songs are catchy and you may find yourself singing them throughout the day instead of "All the Single Ladies."

There are different types of Rock music. You have Arena Rock, Straight Rock, Roots Rock, Pop Rock, Rockabilly, Hard Rock, Classic Rock, Synthesizer Rock, Heavy Metal Thrash Metal and Oh my god turn that %&$##@ down right now!

The fourth way to lose your Black Card is to not know how to dance. Most of the reason for this phenomena is due to excessive listening to Rock music. But also Country music, where their only dance is line dancing. Although that is just the Country Music Hustle, it still takes coordination lacked by many Nerds. See how all of this comes together?

Anyway, to grow up in a black neighborhood, one must know at least two of the following dances. The Smurf, the German Smurf, The Freak, Twerking, The Jit, the Reebok, Ballrooming, Backing that Thang up, Stepping, any of the 734 Hustles originating in your city and finally the Hokey Pokey. A Black person who does not know any of these may as well turn in his Black Card. Seriously, they will laugh you out of the Party/Barbecue/Club etc. There are countless Dance instruction videos on YouTube, so you can at least practice. Good luck!

The fifth way to lose your Black Card is to not understand Club etiquette. For obvious reasons, one must know how to dance if you attend a club (see list of possible dances above), but there are equally important activities to be practiced there. One may partake in eating chicken wings or catfish and finish it off with a scoop of peach cobbler for dessert.

Another big part of clubbing is meeting the opposite sex. This is best done by drinking alcohol until

a) you’re brave enough to approach someone or

b) the object of your affection looks decidedly better than you recall three shots ago.

Clubbing is important if you wish to retain your Black Card. If you are uncomfortable doing any of the aforementioned activities, merely lean against the wall and look like you don’t care about anything. Be sure to take your glasses off first. And unbutton that top button. Those two things are Nerd giveaways.

The sixth way to lose your Black Card is to ignorant of current slang. You don’t want to attend a party or club with seasoned Black people and say things like “Groovy,” or “Far out.” Surely those terms may make a comeback at some point, but today is NOT that day. Knowing improper slang is right beneath not knowing how to dance. Being a Nerd, I am not the one to educate you on this language, so you may need to run by Barnes and Noble and… Oh yeah. That reading thing. Never mind. Just Google "slang" and see what pops up.

I’ll be back soon with more ways to lose your Black Card. Yeah Boyyyy!!!