5 Ways To Deal With Gaslighting At Work

In 1944, MGM released “Gaslight”, a remake of a period drama that won Ingrid Bergman her first Oscar. “Gaslight” is the tale of a young woman who falls in love with a handsome, mysterious, older man. An older man who begins to control her every move.

It starts off slowly. He tampers with the gas lights, he deliberately misplaces items around the house. He blames her for being so careless, to have misplaced the very items he’d hidden from her.

He plots, manipulates, and slowly chips away at the young woman’s self-esteem to make her believe that she is going insane.

Fast forward to the present day, this film classic represents the psychological torture that has become an everyday insidious form of brainwashing, within the workplace.

If you’ve ever been the subject of gaslighting, what I’ll convey here, will ring true…

For the vast majority of you who’ve been a target, it’s only when you take a step back from the situation, that you realize what’s happening. More importantly, you’re not losing your marbles and you’re not inept.

The problem with gaslighting, however, is how sublime and insidious it is. Victims firmly believe that their ability to accomplish, even the simplest of tasks, is now nigh on impossible.

Your ability to form the most basic of decisions is now tarnished with self-doubt.

To discover whether you’re the target of gaslighting - right now, the answer lies firmly in your past…

Think back to happier times in your life. Happier times when you were highly accomplished.

Happier times when you were confident in your abilities and received positive feedback. Positive feedback from your peers, your boss, your family, and your friends.

You knew that you were professional and talented. You knew that your accolades were justified.

Everybody said so.

And, those who didn’t (you reasoned at the time) were simply envious of your success. Envious of your accomplishments. Envious because they lacked the talent and perhaps, the fortitude to achieve the same thing.

Then...

One day, you started a new job, or began a new role, and all of your self-belief changed.

The funny thing is, on reflection, none of your abilities had actually diminished. None of your skills had been diluted.

In contrast to your heyday, you now find yourself working twice as hard to achieve what was once effortless. Now, all of that hard work appears to be in vain.

Now, no matter what amount of effort you put in, your efforts are now ridiculed, derided, and minimized. Perhaps the ridicule comes from one quarter, one person, or a small clique of people.

Now, nothing that you do is ever good enough. Nothing that you say, is noteworthy enough. You find yourself excluded from important decisions and meetings.

You find yourself making the silliest of mistakes, and you strive to be better. You desperately strive to be better and hope that this time, they’ll appreciate the work you produce.

This time, they won’t laugh or minimize your accomplishments.

You’re told, you are too sensitive, and your complaints of ill-treatment are minimized - again - aren’t you overreacting?

Your version of events is warped by the gaslighter so you’re the culprit, you’re the instigator.

At first, you know you’re right but as time rolls on, you begin to second guess yourself.

Perhaps you’d imagined it?

Perhaps you’re being hypersensitive?

Perhaps you genuinely forgot to submit that report on time?

But... Look back to your past life (pre-gaslight)... You were meticulous to a fault. Your output was exemplary.

Do you remember..?

If all the above rings true. I’m here to inform you, dear friend, that you’re not talentless, you’re not a has-been but most of all you’re not insane. Because the undeniable truth is, you have been the target of gaslighting.

So, what should you do next? As I “hinted” in the title and without further ado, here are:-

5 Ways to Deal With Gaslighting At Work

1. Review the examples I’ve given. Though the examples given are not exhaustive, a gaslighter seeks to destroy your self-confidence and will have committed most (if not all) of the actions I’ve written above.
2. Journal the events with times and dates. This is particularly useful because it allows you to take stock of the situation by joining the dots. Take screenshots of manipulative, abusive messages whenever you can.
3. Talk to someone you trust but be wary of confiding in an immediate co-worker. It’s not that they can’t be trusted, but they may have a vested interest to stay silent. This is why I recommend that you speak to a close friend, family member, or a therapist - who can review your grievances with an open mind.
4. Confront your gaslighter. However, be warned. The outcome may return unpredictable results. But don’t worry, I’ll run through how a gaslighter may react later. When you take this path - prepare your conversation (in advance) and be sure to keep the conversation calm and constructive.
5. Escalate your situation to HR or senior management. Armed with your journal, arrange a meeting to discuss the chain of events. I implore you to prepare before the meeting with a trusted friend. Think of your prep work as a role play, where you voice the timeline of events that led to scheduling the meeting. Role-playing through the meeting will give you the opportunity to clarify, and solidify what you have endured, in a clear, succinct manner.

The Motivations Of A Gaslighter

After you’ve suffered their abuse, it may seem unfathomable (to you) why anyone would set out to be so cruel. However, it’s important to understand that this is a person who wants to gain absolute control over you.

The reasons and motivations why they target one person over another are not always clear. However, a common theme that runs through the psyche of a gaslighter, is their desire to possess and control another person.

It is their desire to feel comforted in the presence of another person’s discomfort.

Gaslighters suffer from a range of personality disorders - including narcissism. A narcissist character makes every situation and every event about them.

You will often find that a narcissist’s life is filled with drama.

With this toxic drama, the river rarely runs smoothly for this character. And it’s likely that your sense of calm, your competency, and your natural affinity with people, triggers their envy.

A narcissist sees your achievements and your effortless grace, as a quality that injures them.

It's not unusual for a gaslighter to be blithely unaware of the impact of their behavior. This is a character trait that they share in common with a bully. Nevertheless, this is not my way of excusing their toxic behavior.

This is why, it’s important to understand that a gaslighter, especially one who is a narcissist to the core, will rarely acknowledge nor take accountability for their behavior.

Cycling back to my 5 steps above, when you decide to confront a gaslighter - be prepared for them to deflect, minimize or deny your injury.

During any confrontation with them, you must never lose your temper, as your anger will feed and nurture their ego.

By losing your temper in any interaction with them, “the gaslighter will know that they’ve got under your skin”.

I hope that my story has galvanized you to take action to end your suffering. Though no one deserves to be gaslit, please note that their actions were never really about you, but all about them.

On a final note, once you’ve freed yourself from the control of a gaslighter, you may (even) pity them, for they are pitiful creatures indeed.

Author: Ella Graysun