5 Tried Ways To Move On From A Bad Breakup

There was the story of Emma and James. Two inseparable love birds whose relationship gained the admiration of many.

Their relationship came to a screeching halt one infamous day. Emma became the victim. She was at the receiving end of the fallout of the breakup - the heartbreak, the resentment, the self-guilt and trust issues.

Emma, after the breakup, tried to move forward from her experiences with James. She went out on a few dates, a few of which advanced fairly well even to her own surprise. She managed to maintain a few of these dates for a couple of months.

But whether the date lasted only the night or a couple of months, the ultimate outcome of each date was always the same - a fail.

Emma knew she deserved better than James. Yet she continued to review each date, and each guy, through the lens of her failed past relationship.

She struggled with trust. She remained cocooned.

She prematurely concluded as red flags any sign synonymous with her past relationship.

Perpetually, she was anxious. Anxious about what will happen. Anxious about wasting her time, another chunk of her life with someone who may one day decide to walk away. She kept shielding her heart from an all so familiar pain. She barred herself from potentially wonderful experiences. She was uptight and missed out on the fun that comes with dating. Guys found her too high-strung and unexciting.

Are you in a similar situation as Emma? Are you struggling to move forward from your failed relationship? Do you prematurely judge your potential partners, fearing abandonment? Are you closed off and unwilling to open up to someone new?

If your response is yes, then you'll consider the rest of this article helpful in moving forward from your failed relationships.

1. Acknowledge the wonderful moments

I'll be the first to admit that breakup and heartbreak are devastating. Time stops and life seems to lose its meaning. You question everything you believed about your relationship until its last moment.

A common coping mechanism for heartbreak, for many, is to close that chapter of their lives. They wrestle with every pleasurable thought and memory from that relationship. They deny what was wonderful experiences from their past relationship.

They collectively label toxic everything about their past relationship. Both pleasant and awful experiences are dumped into the trash can. They regard that period of their life usually as a waste of their precious limited time.

This mindset usually works when dealing with toxic and bitter relationship breakups. This psychological defence of compartmentalization helps move forward from unhealthy relationships.

But the same mechanism isn't entirely wholesome.

Admitting the wonderful experiences in your failed relationship helps deal with the bitterness, resentment, and anger coming from your breakup.

Instead of being fixated on the ill experiences from the relationship, choose to reflect and appreciate the few beautiful moments that strewed the length of your relationship.

To heal from bad breakups and move forward begins with acknowledging the wonderful experiences you had in the relationship. The date nights, the moments cuddled up together in bed, the movie nights. The thoughtful words and messages you exchanged.

Acknowledge them all. Admit how good some of the experiences in the relationship were.

Revisit the times when your ex-partner was human and treated you like one.

Also, recognize your positive contributions to the relationship. Recognize and appreciate the goodness you brought into their lives.

2. Admit your contributions (if any) 

When good relationships fail, it's easy for the heavily impacted partner to believe everything about the breakup was the other partner's fault.

Well, many times it's exactly so. Your partner probably was unfaithful. Maybe they were physically and emotionally abusive. They lied and kept important information from you.

For all the above instances, surely a breakup was inevitable. The breakup was largely their own doing. They chose not to accord you the respect and dignity you deserved.

Mutual respect is the cradle of healthy relationships. You can't blame yourself for the poor decision they made.

But relationships also fail for other reasons besides infidelity, lies and abuse. When the reasons for the breakups shy away from these, then an honest evaluation of how you may have contributed to the failure of the relationship becomes imperative. It increases your ability to move on from the breakup to build a much more solid relationship.

Admission of your contributions to why the relationship failed helps with your recovery. It helps offload the pain, bitterness, and anger, among others you may be experiencing from your breakup.

You become well equipped for your next relationship. Your past relationship becomes a reference board, one you can reference for knowledge on what to avoid and what to double down on to sustain your next relationship.

Now, see the breakup as their loss and not entirely yours.

To truly move forward from a failed relationship, you must appreciate the moments before things turned out. The good moments before your partner decide they are undeserving of you.

This wholesome approach to moving on from a breakup heals your heart apace. It offers you grace and permission to move forward. It prepares you to find someone new and to treat them with every goodness you presented in your previous relationship.

3. Be real about your emotions

Don't go acting tough when someone breaks your heart. Unless you genuinely weren't interested and committed to the relationship.

Understand your vulnerability is your strength.

In the aftermath of a breakup, all the emotion avalanche - the tears, the resentment, the regrets, bitterness and whatnot - can be cathartic.

Wallow in it for a moment. Take your time to process your emotions. Query each emotion you're feeling - anger, regret, bitters and more. Lay every emotion you're experiencing on the canvas of your failed relationship and sketch it out.

Figure out if there are patterns to this breakup synonymous with other relationships you've had in the past.

Understand your emotional responses.

• Why are you angry about the breakup?
• What's with the strong regret you're feeling about the breakup?
• Why has the breakup left you this bitter and resentful?

Feeling empty, bitter, angry, regretful, and resentful among so many other emotions are common responses to a breakup. But the severity and intensity of these emotions you're experiencing are important to notice. They are suggestive of some changes and improvements you may have to make in your personal life. You'll have to improve your approach and mindset on the topic of relationships.

Find out from the emotions you're feeling.

• Are you angry because you may have committed and maybe overcommitted to the relationship prematurely?
• Are you feeling empty because the relationship served as your self-image prop?

An assessment of your emotions and the varying intensity of each during the fallout of a breakup are valuable cues. Properly leveraged, they offer valuable insights and lessons which can serve you well in your next relationship.

Avoid putting up a strong persona, pretending everything about the breaks is your partner's total loss. Choose vulnerability. Process and evaluate your emotional responses to the breakup. Weight the intensity of each emotional experience you're going through. it will teach you things you must learn to grow up, to increase your chances of a successful future relationship.

For people in the art, poets, musicians, painters and more, one way to process the emotions of a breakup is to incorporate them into your art. Create art from the emotions you're experiencing. Art helps internalize and process better those emotions.

Breakups will change you. But they don't have to turn you into a cold and bitter person.

4. Break communication 

When my ex-partner broke up with me, I immediately shut down every communication channel we shared. It was obvious the relationship was over. All my efforts to reconcile proof futile.

At that point, I severed all connections I had with her.

I avoided her social activities -- IG, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and others.

Did I feel the urge to keep tabs on her? Certainly, the desire to know what she was up to since our breakup was strong and excruciating.

I knew the relationship was over and there was no saving it. It, therefore, served me no good stalking her. Checking her WhatsApp status and scrolling through her social feeds wasn't going to make me feel better. If anything it was going to twist and turn the knife already stuck in my delicate heart.

To move forward after a breakup, avoid keeping tabs on them. Avoid inquiring about them from mutual friends. Inquiring about them only gives you false hope of things turning the corner. It protracts your recovery journey.

In my experience, I avoided entirely everything that had to do with her.

5. Focus on yourself 

Breakup hurts. Yet breakups may be the opportunity you need to recalibrate your life. To focus on self-care.

Whatever the reasons you and your ex didn't work out usually contains traces pointing towards issues with self-image. Your ex-partner probably valued you less, or maybe you valued yourself less.

Now instead of wallowing perpetually in emotional hurt and disappointment over your breakup, harness that energy - the anger, resentment and whatnot. Use them to become a better version of yourself. Employ the emotional energy to become everything your ex-partner assumed you'll never become.

After a breakup, focus on your health. Adopt a healthy lifestyle. Maybe start a diet plan. Begin some kind of workout regime. Channel the hurt and emotional turmoil from the breakup into empowering yourself.

Breakups are excellent opportunities to kick-start those personal ambitions you've sidelined. Revisit the personal ambitions you put on hold because of the relationship. Try out the projects you couldn't pursue because they appear as distractions to your relationship.

Kiran K-Star shared in this article, how her breakup inspired her to work harder and find more gigs that now rake in up to $6000 a month. Quoting her, "Sometimes, they are the beginning of tremendous success and fame". She is referring to breakups. I totally believe in this statement.

Spend time with friends and family. Go out and give yourself some wonderful treats. Go on a solo vacation, and if you're not ready to do this alone, plan it with some friends. I'm sure they will be down to support you get through your breakup.

A breakup is often an opportunity to reconnect with yourself.

Pursue you for a while before you decide to jump back into the dating scene.

Closing Words

Breakups will change you. But they don't have to turn you into a cold and bitter person. If you're struggling to move on from a breakup, consider the following to make headway.

1. Acknowledge the wonderful moments you experienced in the relationship.
2. Admit your contributions (if any) to why the relationship failed.
3. Be real about your emotions during the fallout of the breakup.
4. Break communication with your ex-partner.
5. Focus on yourself.