5 Things You Shouldn't Say to a Non-Binary Person

To all my cis-brothers, cis-sisters, from trans*, nonbinary, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, not-cis folks:

Although we're finally starting to be recognized by the liberal part of society, most people fail to acknowledge that some of us don't fall into the traditional standards of gender. The majority of western civilization is still patriarchal. It's hard to be respected as a not-cis person when cis-women are still fighting for recognition, too.

But really, society? It's the 21st century. Gender equality should be universal by now. In fact, oppressive gender roles should be torn down from now.

Now, I get it. The idea of not conforming to gender stereotypes scares people because it makes them uncomfortable. And respectful questions from people who are genuinely trying to learn about gender are always okay. Key word: respectful. Most people who hear about abandoning gender norms go, "Gross, Tumblr." They don't understand how much work has been invested into discovering gender identity.

So, here's five phrases that non-binary people have to deal with all the time. Whether you're cis or not-cis, I hope you get a kick out of this anyways.

(And if you're cis, please don't say any of these things to us. Dear god, we get enough of it all the damn time. Also, there's a glossary at the end if you need help with the terms.)

1. "You should dress/act more like your [insert assigned sex at birth]."

I get this from the people I'm not even out to, and it hurts.

The first time I cut my hair, my parents flipped. They were constantly attacking me with condescending comments that caused me to be xenophobic towards myself.

It doesn't help that gender dysphoria [depression, distress, and/or anxiety caused by the disconnect between how someone identifies their gender and the physical sex, usually triggered by how society views their gender and/or by oneself] is something most—if not all—non-cis people deal with.

Society pressures non-binary people to go back into the closet to hunt for clothes that match traditional gender roles. But, dressing the way you choose feels much better than being forced into a style that isn't authentic. By dressing in clothing that helps them express their gender, non-binary people alleviate negative feelings prompted by dysphoria and xenophobia.

Expression is a step towards self-love and self-acceptance. That's the last thing that needs to be repressed.

2. "Can't you just pick a normal gender?"

People usually think that they're being progressive with this one -- after all, transgender people who associate with a binary gender only have to pick one gender, correct?

Let's use a metaphor to explain this one.

Meet Kal. Kal uses he/him pronouns.

One day, Kal goes to the ice cream parlor with his mother, who tells him, "You can only pick pistachio or bubblegum."

But Kal hates pistachio or bubblegum. He wants to try the banana split -- which is on the menu -- but his mother insists.

There's a girl behind Kal who loves pistachio ice cream, and a boy in front of Kal who decides not to order ice cream at all. Even Kal's best friend likes to eat different flavors of ice cream whenever he goes to the ice cream parlor.

See where I'm headed with this?

I know the metaphor's rudimentary, but I hope you understand the "moral of the story," so to speak. The wide spectrum of non-binary genders has always existed, even though modern culture pressures the majority of people to either be a man or a woman. Just like how Kal can't force himself to like pistachio or bubblegum flavored ice cream, people can't chose their gender. The only choice people -- even cis-people -- have in concerns of gender is whether to embrace it or repress.

3. "It's to hard to call you [insert preferred pronouns] because I've known you for forever... can I just call you [pronouns you hate] instead?"

As someone who uses they/them/theirs pronouns, I empathize with this one because it's usually one of the first things I hear right after I come out to someone.

And I know that the cis person asking this feels uncomfortable switching to preferred pronouns because of some belief.

But there's a reason why people don't want to be called certain pronouns: they've found better ones that let them express themselves while making themselves less uncomfortable.

So, really, you think it's uncomfortable switching pronouns [or even names]? Try being addressed by an incorrect name and by incorrect pronouns for the majority of your life.

4. "So... you're gay, right?"

Let's simplify my response to a math equation:

sexuality ≠ gender ≠ expression

An amazing thing about the 21st century is that the world of fashion is unafraid to blur the lines of traditional gender norms.

However, expression—the way one expresses themselves, especially through clothing—does not equate to sexuality or gender. Sexuality entails (but is not limited to or strictly defined by) sensuality, sex, and attraction. Gender revolves around the self-defining one's relationship between femininity and masculinity. In the case of not-cis people, sometimes that means rejecting or blurring the traditional roles of gender.

To sum this segment up: gender and sexuality are completely different things. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes they don't. And that's okay.

5. "There are only two genders."

Last, but definitely not least.

It's clear that this assumption is built on physical sex. Men have certain parts, and women have certain parts. That's a concept that has been developed by Judeo-Christian centered societies and Western civilization.

However, gender does not equal physical sex. Other cultures—outside of Judeo-Christian centered societies and Western civilization—have a completely different understanding of gender.

Listverse's Devin Trently wrote an article titled, "10 Examples Of Non-binary Genders Throughout History" when Caitlyn Jenner first came out as transgender. "With the revitalized interest in transgender and non-binary folks because of Caitlyn Jenner’s coming-out, people seem to forget that these issues have been around since the beginning of human history," Trently introduces before revealing the historical evidence backing the claim in said title.

Non-binary people have been around for a while and deserve the same rights and privileges cisgender people enjoy. It's only now that we're gaining representation.

Here's to the gender revolution. Hopefully, once the fight for recognition is won, non-binary people will have the respect and recognition we deserve.

GLOSSARY:

Assigned sex at birth: To be explicit, that's your genitalia.

Binary genders: The traditional cisgender female and cisgender male standards of society.

Cisgender: Someone whose personal gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. Shorthand is "cis."

Not-cisgender: Someone whose personal gender identity does not match their assigned sex at birth. Some identities that fall into this category are, but not excluded to: non-binary, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming.

Non-binary (sometimes spelled as "nonbinary): To not conform to the "binary" gender. Can be used as a synonym for not-cis, an umbrella term, or in referencing a specific identity.

SOURCE:

"10 Examples of Non-binary genders throughout history."