5 Signs of a Healthy Friendship

I was sitting in a café with my close friend, chatting about something fairly unimportant (a TV show, most likely). As we were sipping our drinks and talking, I felt this warmth spread in my chest. I looked at my friend and smiled.

That's when it struck me: I treasure our friendship so, so much.

I've read so many articles on how to recognize a toxic friendship, an unhealthy relationship, a bad influence on your life. But as I was looking at my friend, I had this sudden desire to shout into the skies how perfect this thing we have is.

We look for flaws and negativity all the time. We're used to searching for defects. But it's good from time to time to appreciate what we have and remind ourselves of the love we share with others.

I've been through some less-than-ideal friendships. I became amazing at recognizing those for what they were. But I think now it's time to get better at understanding the good and pure things in my life.

Here are 5 signs of a healthy friendship:

1) You're interested.

This friend and I talk a lot. When we meet up for coffee, we can spend five hours there just talking. Usually, we only leave because the café is closing.

We discuss our lives, thoughts, dreams, aspirations. We can spend an entire evening dissecting a seemingly insignificant thing that's happened to one of us.

And we are never bored.

Once she started telling me this story about her family holiday. Not the most riveting of topics, is it? She talked about what she did, what her family members did. She started describing a conversation she had with someone.

As we are both very scatter-brained, one thing or another distracted her, and the conversation wandered into something completely different. Yet, I kept it in my mind that she hadn't finished her original story. And after we went through about three other topics, I went back. I asked her to finish the story.

I didn't do this because I knew it was important to her that she tell it. Well, at least not only because of that. I was genuinely interested. I knew this conversation led to a realization of something important to her, and I wanted to know what that was. Something that would seem boring to others became intriguing to me.

After all, it concerned my friend. I want to know everything she deems important enough to tell me.

This goes both ways. I know she's the one person I can tell my dreams to without her becoming too annoyed. And that's a sign of a healthy friendship if I've ever seen one. Everyone knows no one really cares about what you dreamed about last night.

2) You listen.

Not everything you like will be appreciated in the same way by your friends.

In high school, my friend used to watch a lot of anime. Something which, while I can enjoy it occasionally, is definitely not my hobby. She wanted to talk about it a lot. It impacted her life. She almost breathed anime.

I didn't care all that much. I never watched the shows, and it meant nothing to me. Except it meant something to her. So even when I was disinterested in the shows, I still listened to what she had to say.

And not only that - I asked questions, I remembered details. I knew this was important to her. And while I couldn't share her passion for it, I could share something - my time, and my attention.

She does the same for me - I once had a four-hour-long monologue about Doctor Who, and she sat through it all. She listened and laughed and nodded and asked.

We actually ended up watching the show together, which is something I still can't quite believe. I felt lucky enough that she was willing to listen. I never expected her to start watching it, too. It's not like the show is something she would usually be into.

I've had many friends who would turn off the moment I started talking about something they didn't care about. I myself have done the same. But having a friend who takes the time to not only listen, but hear what you're saying, is the best feeling in the world.

When I finished my Doctor Who rant, I thought she would be annoyed. Then she wasn't. I was elated. People can say thousands of lovely words and give you nice presents, but in my book, nothing is as precious as the feeling of being listened to.

3) You respect each other's boundaries.

I am an introvert, and I suffer from social anxiety. Which means I have a lot of weird boundaries that people don't always get.

My friend is great at recognizing those. But not only that. She remembers them and respects them. She never crosses the line, and she always understands.

Like everyone, I often get worried about how I might come across if I voice my limits. Will people be offended if I tell them I don't want to hang out right now? Will they think I don't like or appreciate them enough?

My friend never does this. She understands what I need, sometimes almost instinctively. If I tell her I don't want to hang out, she gets it. She leaves me alone and gives me all the space I need.

I used to think being close friends meant you could ask for anything. Say anything, do anything. There were no boundaries, no limits. Beng friends meant you are an exception to someone's limits. That's what closeness meant to me. But I was wrong.

Strangers cross your boundaries often - naturally, as they know nothing about you. But the more you know someone, the more you understand them. Being close to someone doesn't mean that you are exempt from the rules. It should mean that you know the rules by heart, and it causes you no problem to stick by them.

My best friend never expects me to do something I'm not comfortable with, and I do the same for her. We respect each other. She knows to give me space to breathe; I know not to push her to do things faster. We're in perfect harmony. Because of the utmost respect we have for each other, we never cross the line. We wouldn't ever want to do that to the other person.

4) You look out for each other.

One time, the two of us were going to meet up with a bunch of friends. I was looking forward to this. Except that there was a person in this group who I wasn't too happy about seeing. We shared a complicated history. I worried he was going to invade my space and make me feel uncomfortable.

I told this to my friend, to relieve myself of the stress. Then we went in to meet up with everyone.

Sure enough, a few hours in, this person took his chance and sat close to me. He started telling me all sorts of things that made me feel icky. When I expressed my discomfort, he flat out ignored it. My friend was in the bathroom. I felt trapped.

But as soon as she came back and saw what was happening, she stepped in. She didn't hesitate and sat right between me and this person and distracted him from whatever he was telling me.

I didn't ask her to do this, and I didn't expect it either. But she saw I was struggling, and she didn't hesitate to help. She was looking out for me when I needed it.

We do this all the time. If we are in a situation and I can tell she's feeling uncomfortable, I'll try to take the reins. I'll talk to the chatty lady at the airport. I'll offer to write a difficult email to our landlord. We are a team, and that's what we do. I always feel safe when she's with me - I know she would never leave me to the wolves.

5) Your life is better because they are in it.

When I think about what my life looks like and all the nice things about it, she plays a big part in that.

Because of this friend, I have become better at dealing with people.

I have become more confident in my own skin.

I am more comfortable asking for what I want.

I say 'no' more frequently.

I know that through our friendship, she has become more willing to talk about her feelings. We make each other's lives better. I can't imagine where I would be if we never became friends.

Friendships are beautiful. They are important. Friends are those people we can always rely on, who are always there through the thick and thin.

Not every friendship is perfect. Some aren't even all that good. Toxicity can happen in any relationship, and it's important that we look out for that.

But I believe it's almost as important to look out for the good stuff, too. If you don't, you might miss it. But seeing all the little perfections you have built with your friend over time - that's a feeling of lightness and elation.

Recently, I went through a friend-breakup. I had to let go of a friend I've had for 10 years. At first, I felt bitter. I was upset. I started a mental checklist of all the things wrong with her and the friendship.

Then I decided to let go of that. The only thing this achieved was me being miserable and anxious. I instead shifted my attention to my other friends. Those who were there with me. I looked around and saw all the love around me. Suddenly, I wasn't bitter anymore. I was happy. I had friends most would be envious of.

I let my negativity steal the focus. But it wasn't right. It only ever made things worse. Instead of the petty checklist I used to keep, I now keep a different one. A list of all the good stuff my friends give me.

There are two things this does:

• I am much happier. Centring myself around positivity makes me feel much better. I smile more often. I'm less anxious.
• My relationships are all the better for it. Once you start seeing all the loveliness around you, it's hard to keep it in. It seeps out. I tell my friends I appreciate them a lot more now. I let them know how much I love them. I express my gratitude. And as it turns out, saying all these things makes a difference. A good one. I make sure my friends know how much they mean to me. And they do the same back.

So, go ahead. Look for the best in your friends. And when you find it, let them know how you feel.

This article was originally published here.