5 of Today's Popular Dating Apps Debunked

Serial dating is definitely not a hobby or pastime of mine, it is simply a means to an end—the dating app end. I serial date myself to death in hopes of finding that one date that makes it all worth while. The one date for whom I would gladly delete every single last app, so we could live happily ever after and in love forever. Until then, the search continues and my dating stories continue making my friends laugh till they cry. All this dating probably makes me an expert by now, especially when it comes to using all the dating apps available in the App Store. I’ve used them all, way more than anyone should ever use in this lifetime and the next. Here is what I found in my dating app experiences and what I think about each of the apps in comparison to the rest.

1. JSwipe

Challah at this app right here and put an end to those Jewish mother guilt trips for good! Think of it as Tinder but only for members of the tribe. JDate is the answer to every Jewish mothers’ prayers—a dating platform created to connect Jewish singles with other Jewish singles within a given radius.

It’s simple to download; all you have to do is create a profile and start swiping away. Once both parties swipe right, it’s a match—mazal tov, you have made it to the next round. From there, the countdown begins and you are given 18 days to initiate a conversation before the match expires. You can filter your matches based on age, location, and level of religious observance.

There is also an option to upgrade to what’s called JSwipe First Class service, giving you access to premium features like: doubling the amount of times your profile is shown to other members, enabling read receipts so you can see when your messages have been read, and my personal favorite: the passport option, giving you access to members in any country "jew" choose. It’s like traveling the world from the comfort of your living room.

The premium feature also includes five super swipes as well as one swipe note per day, so you can stand out from the rest of the tribe. Super swipes will make you the chosen one amongst the chosen.

Although the app is pretty easy to use and includes convenient features, there is definitely some room for improvement. The app crashes and freezes often, making it frustrating to use at times. A bigger tsuris, however, is the fact that there is no way to verify whether your match is actually Jewish or not, well...at least not until things get intimate. Before you dance the hora, you may want to make sure you’re not being catfished! It happened to me twice while using the app, and catfish? Definitely not kosher.

Worse case scenario, you don’t find your Jewish soulmate and just go back to Tinder. Look on the bright side, if you marry a goy and break your Mamale's heart, there’s always Yom Kippur to repent.

2. Bumble

What’s all this buzz about Bumble? For starters, it was created by a woman; and who better to know exactly what a woman wants out of a dating app than a woman herself? Finally, the first dating app of its kind, giving women more control over their online dating experience; think of it as a feminist dating app in a macho world.

You download the app, set up a profile, and choose your search preferences based on age and location, then start swiping. Once matched (both parties must right swipe each other to match), ladies then have 24 hours to initiate contact before their match expires and disappears forever. Once the message is received, that match, in turn, also gets a 24-hour window, to either respond or kindly buzz off. If the guy’s super into you, he may throw you a time extension giving you some more time to come up with that perfect ice-breaker to sweep him off his feet and sweep you to his right. If there is one thing a guy can understand…(sadly, not a woman), it’s definitely the pressures associated with making that first move!

Imagine being able to fix an accidental swipe in the wrong direction. Ever accidentally left swiped someone you meant to right swipe? No problem! All you have to do is shake your phone and voila, your match reappears. Your allowed to make three such mistakes; any more will cost ya...pun intended. These developers sure think of everything; I’m definitely impressed with all the tiny details they take into consideration.

On second thought, maybe they don’t think of everything, but almost everything for sure...If only there was a way you could swipe your heart out without ever having to deal with the possibility of rejection; now that’s an app I could use in my life! And guess what? Thanks to Bumble's premium feature, now there is a way. Maybe they really have thought of everything after all. How is that even possible? Easy...the special feature eliminates the possibility of rejection by allowing you to see people who have already right swiped you. The ball is now 100% in your court. Who runs the world? Duh! Don’t need Beyoncé to tell you it’s us girls!

And if that’s not enough to stir up a buzz, there’s a security feature designed to keep you safely swiping. If you have ever been catfished, you will appreciate Bumble’s "get verified" option, which makes sure the user is who they say they are—look for the blue check mark in the upper left corner of their profile to safeguard yourself from potential predators.

The app is not for everyone, of course. Women who feel men should make the first move may not like the idea of initiating contact. Clearly, these women have no idea what dating is like these days. It ain’t no picnic, sweetheart....if you’re looking for rainbows and sunshine, you're a day late and a quaalude short. Whoever said it was raining men definitely missed the weatherman’s memo!

You have no time to waste sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to roll up on his white horse—he is somewhere laying in a hospital bed in a coma and from what the white horse has released at a recent press conference, things ain’t lookin’ good for your prince. I’m sorry to have to break it to you but chivalry is not coming back either, in fact 2Pac has a better chance of coming back than chivalry. If you want something, you gotta step out of your comfort zone and make it happen for yourself. Go after what you want. Busy bees don’t sit around waiting for the pollen to come to them; they are out there moving and shaking and busily doing their bee thing. They stop moving only when they die.

So, unleash your inner queen bee, and start bumbling your way towards that sweet honey.

3. happn

This app is by far one of the most unique and interesting apps available in regards to dating. It’s like a stalker's dream come true. Probably would come in handy if you’re ever suspected of murder—your alibi is in the app, both time and place of your exact location and profiles of everyone else that "happn’ed" to be at that same location precisely at the same time that you were there. Think of it as a solution to Craigslist's "missed connections"...you know, where people post things like:

“TO THE WOMAN IN THE RALPHS CHECKOUT LINE WITH THE TARGET GIFT CARD YESTERDAY. I ASKED YOU A SECOND TIME IF YOU WANTED TO GO AHEAD OF ME IN LINE. I NEED TO CONFESS I ASKED TO SEE YOU SMILE AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR NOT DISAPPOINTING ME. I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT SMILE OF YOURS.”

With the happn app, he can now thank the woman in the Ralph's checkout line with the target gift card himself, as long as she happened to download happn. Users cross paths with other users based on location in real time and are shown all the profiles of other people who "happn" to be at the same place at the same time.

Just mark whichever profile you happen to be interested in, regardless of whether you actually noticed them in the Ralph’s checkout line or not, and if the mark is mutual, you got yourself a match. The app even counts how many times your paths have crossed in total, to give you a measurement of the stalking scale.

Don’t worry, if anyone creeps you out enough you can choose to go off their radar and remain hidden by blocking them with just one simple click.

The app also makes you a bit more present in the moment, allowing you to really take in all that’s around you instead of just cruising through the day in autopilot mode.

4. PlentyOfFish

Unless this app is referring to an aquarium store, there are plenty of sea cucumbers, but sadly no fish. (This is the app that gave rise to the infamous dick pics guys began to send girls.) This app prides itself on being free, and that’s pretty much it’s greatest attribute; I doubt anyone would be caught dead paying for such a crappy member pool. There’s no exclusivity here whatsoever, just a gazillion users who will be pinging your phone every half a second, no joke.

The download and profile setup are self-explanatory and simple to do, although the profile questions are quite long and overly extensive for no reason.

The app is also lacking the security feature that Bumble nailed as part of their app; of course...maybe because it was made by a woman? No one on this app is verified, so all gazillion people who are messaging you at the same time may very well be serial killers.

The app runs on advertisements, which makes it possible to be free for users, but it also puts a dent in the overall visual quality of the app. And makes using the app frustrating. This is definitely my least liked app of all and I would not recommend downloading it unless you enjoy wasting time and killing your battery. Just to give you a fun-filled fact about PlentyOfFish, it just so happens that this is the very app that made sending dick pictures to girls a thing. As a matter fact, there were so many dick pics sent that they put restrictions on who could send what, allowing only women to now send pictures.

Perhaps if they tweaked the app a bit and had less advertising, it might be worth trying out. The only feature I may have somewhat appreciated is the one regarding search criteria. You can actually search for matches based on personality type and interests as opposed to just location. But for an app that has so many users across such a broad platform, who wants to spend 30 minutes filling out what feels like the longest self survey you could ever even imagine only to delete the app several minutes later?

Toss this app back in the water, and thank me later!

5. OkCupid

Although OkCupid sounds like it would be a great idea, it pretty much sucks. Like marriage and communism...some ideas are best left on paper. Another app that aims to match you with other members based on your personality traits and and type of relationship you are looking to find. The app is easy to download and logs in through your Facebook.

Once your primary setup is complete, you are asked to answer a couple hundred multiple choice questions, which not surprisingly happen to be the stupidest set of questions I have yet been asked to answer. Search criteria can include anything from languages spoken, to religion, and based on the answers you provide for the initial assessment, your matches are calculated into a percentage with the best match equal to 100.

Within three minutes of downloading the app, I had three matches in my box and two others trying to instant message me. Five minutes later I was like OK, Cupid, I’m done with this nonsense, and deleted the app.

There were hundreds of profiles yet not one even somewhat decently attractive enough for me to swipe right—not even one??

Not OK, Cupid! Definitely not OK!

That bumble bee could sure teach this Cupid a thing or two about a thing or two. The apps I found to work best for me include JSwipe, Bumble, and happn—in that particular order. My only question is why the app is called Bumble... last I checked, when a bee stings its target, the bee dies. What exactly is that supposed to tell me? It might as well have been called Black Widow. I guess the name of the app shouldn’t matter much as long as you get what’s expected, and this little bee of a dating app delivers way beyond of what’s expected. I will keep you posted on new apps as well as what’s happening on my dating front.