5 Jesters and 1 King

5 Jesters and One King

Let me tell you a story. I consider myself pretty, I think I'm smart so why am I not married and why was I still single 1 year before my 40th birthday. In case you don't know what a Jester is, it’s a professional joker or " a fool" at a medieval court who carries a mock scepter(according to Merriman dictionary)...In other words you carry a scepter like a King but yours is fake!

My aunt told me that every 7 years your life changes. I was turning 39 and my whole world seemed bleak. Tears were on my daily menu, I realized I was depressed, wine had become my friend and sleeping alone had become so familiar and cold.

I was reeling from the night before my friend with benefits announced he had a girlfriend and she was on her way, now for perspective he never mentioned a girlfriend and just 5 minutes prior to him telling me this he was neck deep diving. I was drunk, confused and angry; I showed out and turned up on him I was shaking I felt so disrespected. Now I'm no angel but I don't cheat on my man and if I had a man I wouldn’t be over there with him nor do I need or want to be laying up with someone's man. SMH...I felt justified too getting loud and using profanity. Don't use me and don't take my option to choose which is what he did by not telling me he was involved. I'm glad he's not my man he is a cheater and a liar and I'm so tired of those types of men.

For nostalgia's sake I've had 5 serious relationships in my life or at least 5 significant relationships. I’m attracted to arrogance; I must be right; I’m the only common denominator in all of these relationships so I can’t blame it on them right? Every man I've loved has been arrogant, a liar and a cheater. I thought I had good judgement, I've made great career choices and I manage my money like a financial wizard. So why can't I get this relationship shit right...IJS.

Once Upon A Time…..

Jester # 1

My first real love he was a cutie a few years younger than me but my best buddy, my very own partner in crime, it was great….until it wasn't. To be fair we were young and you don't really know who you are until you're much older but I know he was the beginning of a fucked up cycle that twirled me to the land of OZ and along my journey through OZ I've met some characters. And these Nine West pumps I’ve been wearing couldn't get me back to Atlanta and I didn’t want to meet the Wiz.

To be fair it wasn't all bad we had a great time but when dealing with an insecure narcissist it’s hard to tell where you begin and where they end. I was feeding off his energy and working overtime to live up to his standard when in fact he was never on my level. It ended when he cheated, honestly I was relieved when he cheated because it was an opportunity to escape and I did just that I ran like Angela Bassett in What's Love Got to Do With It. I told myself never again.

Jester #2

Well well well. Talk about a good looking package. I was positive this was a great choice. This man checked all my boxes, good family, good job, good looks….Yes. Well, like my granny said "everything that looks good ain't good for you". Got that shit right, talk about undependable, I couldn't count on this man for anything and when I attempted to discuss it, it was like talking to a recorder everything I said to him he said back to me. I don't think I have to say it. I got the hell out of there fast; no need to wait and see what happens with this. I can do bad all by myself so I left and never looked back.

Jester # 3

Okay. They say 3 times the charm right. NOT.

This man had money and loved to spend it on me. I was so starstruck by this man he was everything I thought I ever wanted. YES I was so in love. Then he went broke and the real him showed up and I did not like that person at all. First I tried to be supportive, then I tried to prove my love and dedication, then I began to pray about it which is where I should have started, then I became defiant. None of it worked but I learned a valuable lesson...Never get involved with someone who loves money more than they love themselves…FACTS. I ended that and started working on me. Maya Angelou said when a person shows who they are the first time believe it. Surely you can't love me if you don't even love yourself! On to the next one.

Jester # 4

Girls just want to have fun...This man was definitely fun not a serious bone in his body. Lied about being an entrepreneur, lied about how many kids he had, lied about everything. But he was good for some fun so I told myself just have some fun...reality check...fun don't pay bills, pay for healthcare nor can fun provide protection of any kind. I left town to get away from this one and guess what? He followed right behind me. I don’t think so, if you don’t take you fun broke ass back home!

The one lesson I did learn in life that I did practice was that I will never ever ever ever ever take care of a man. I love a great romp in the sack but that ish is free. I came to understand that all his women before me took care of him so he had no worries. Well hell that explains why the mutherfucker was so much fun... Boy Bye

Jester # 5

Now this is what Im talking about. A man with no vices...mmm mmm mmm. Or so I thought this man had several addictions and some serious ones too; sex, video games, porn, and lying ( is lying an addiction), shopping, exercising did I mention lying. What the hell is going on, looking superb on the outside but superficial as hell on the inside. I couldn't stay so I started with prayer to cut my tie but I guess it doesn't work if you keep screwing the person, then I became passive aggressive…nope didn't work, then I tried to disengage...damn…what’s a girl got to do? This bond was stronger than anything I had ever experienced in my life I needed deliverance from him. After 2 years I was finally free.

My King

Now the only thing these Jesters have in common is me, I was convinced now I was definitely the problem? I had to be! I worked on me, I meditated, prayed, practiced celibacy, spoke affirmations and then suddenly I heard that Billy D Williams voice...Hey baby girl how you doing, looking good today. It was something about how he said it, my spirit said that's him...My mind said "don't start that mess again"

Now I've been through a lot but I also realize that in order to meet a King I have to be available. A wise woman told me that my relationships begin and end that there is no in between I pondered this for several days and came to the conclusion that a part of me wants independence and a part of me wants a partnership, I am afraid of giving up my autonomy because that would require me to depend on someone and everyone in my life that I have ever had to depend on has let me down. I’m searching for my healing right now and with healing freedom will follow and once I am free when I hear that Billy D voice calling my name I can answer " Hi I’m Atira nice to meet you King"