5 Critical Pieces of Dating Advice for Straight Men from Lesbians

Dudes, you're on top of the world. At any given time, you've got a Tinderful of eligible ladies in your geographic area. Since you're a respectful guy who's looking for something serious, you're putting your all into each date. Nevertheless, the girls aren't following up.

So what's going wrong?

Time to ask a lesbian! If you're not getting second dates, or if the dates aren't coming in at all, you might need the perspective of a buddy who knows what women really want—and isn't afraid to tell you where you are screwing up. Here are five key points for dating success that straight men can learn from lesbians.

1. Examine the dating ritual.

Dating is outdated. Seriously. Half the stuff you're "supposed" to do on a date is based on the idea that the man will be the only person present with a job, that the woman will only ever have one partner, and that marriage is definitely in your future. Because lesbian dates involve two women rather than a woman and a man, we've had to pick the entire formula apart and make it new. I'm happy to report that we've improved it tremendously.

Consider, for example, the check. In a hetero dating situation, the man pays. Why? Because he's the one with the job, of course! Oh, she has a job too? So much for that rationale. Maybe she wants to make sure he's not a deadbeat. Except that he might as well have the same concern about her since a future together would probably require two incomes anyway. Some guys also seem to think that the purchase of a meal entitles them to subsequent bedroom shenanigans. Word to the woke: women don't love that.

Lesbians have discovered that splitting the check forestalls resentment, obligation, and general strife. It also gives you a chance to suss out the other person's comfort with money, employment situation and tendency to mooch.

Consider also the venue. Why must a date be a fancy dinner? Lesbians never have money because we are chronically underemployed. Coincidence. You're a millennial and you're underemployed too! That's why the lesbian community advises you to hike with a group, hit up a low-cost event like an open studio or a craft fair, or get a casual coffee instead. Who drives, you ask? Um—both people take their own ride, you guys. That way, if you really can't stand each other, you're not stuck together. Public transportation is ideal. For lesbian bonus points, avoid drinking on your first date. You don't yet know if the person you're seeing had a problem at some point—more common than you'd think! And anyway, you want to be clear-headed as you assess their relationship potential.

2. Embrace the exes.

Guys, your woman has been with other people. Learn to love this fact. Lesbians have!

The lesbian community is small. Tiny, in fact. A lesbian who wants to find love in her geographical area will inevitably date the ex of an ex, or an ex's best friend, or someone who dated an ex's roommate for three years. If she gets possessive, not only will she face an eternal, exhausting slog up "Jealousy Mountain," but this fact will quickly cycle through the community and people won't want to be friends with her.

If you're into serious gamer chicks who like Proust and Neon Genesis Evangelion, your social and dating pool is still larger than a lesbian's. However, it'll be constricted enough that you're bound to run into your current lady's ex-boyfriends simply because they'll be involved in the same clubs and fan groups as you and your girlfriend. You'll see them at cons, trivia nights, class, glassblowing, et cetera. Time to overcome the trauma, shake hands, and be cordial. After all, as long as everyone's been basically good and fair to everyone else, you all have a lot in common.

3. Process, Process, Process

It's true that lesbians process. We process a lot. Both parties have feelings and both parties need to be heard, even if the issue at hand is eco-friendly toilet paper verses the comfortable stuff. It probably looks pretty tedious to people outside of the relationship.

However, processing can reveal a lot about you, your partner, and your relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean laying your darkest secrets on the table on the first date. But by date 10, you should be ready to listen, talk, and engage actively about your feelings, even if they're negative. You'll know she's real relationship material if she's willing to engage about hers too.

You may feel that opening up to your girlfriend will make you vulnerable. If that scares you so much that you won't do it, then consider the possibility that you're with the wrong person. If you can't have an honest, vulnerable convo with your date, then do you really want to mingle DNA, finances, and credit scores with them?

The other possibility, if you don't feel comfortable talking about your feelings, is that you have some emotional trauma. Lesbians experience a lot of this thanks to the minority stress effect. (If you've ever had a rando scream "QUEER!" at you and your girlfriend out of his truck window, then welcome to the minority stress effect. Drinks on me!) Yet we must function as people, and we do yearn for healthy relationships, so we process that shit but good.

Trauma is pretty common for straight guys too. Society drums "macho, gotta-be-strong" nonsense into your heads pretty hard, and ironically, that can make you vulnerable to manipulative partners. Bottling your pain won't do you or your relationship any favors—coupledom tends to bring emotional stuff right out of the woodwork. If you deal with your feelings, you'll function better as an adult and as a partner.

Being open takes both trust and confidence, and a good girlfriend will find your courage incredibly attractive. If she does not, then congratulations! You have discovered a human being with whom you do not need to waste any more of your time. Sally forth once more on your quest for love and do not rest until you find a woman who both listens and shares.

4. Girls talk to each other.

It is worth your while to be nice to your date. If you're pushy, insistent, angry, petulant, derogatory, or mean, your date will absolutely tell her girlfriends. That's what happens in the lesbian community, and a lesbian can lose all hope of finding love if she ruins her reputation by being abusive or rude.

Straight women talk about their dates too. In fact, many of them will vet their male love interests before meeting them. Some will even bring a friend to a first meeting and install them at a back table just to keep an eye on things. If you misbehave with your date, rest assured that the whisper network will know. If you behave well, the whisper network will also know. Gossip can work for you if you're a gem, but if you're determined to be a jerk, it will make your life a dateless misery.

5. Your appearance isn't as important as you think.

Someone is attracted to you. I guarantee it. I am a short, chubby, masculine woman with a profoundly unattractive skin condition on my face and I still got married after a fairly successful dating life. In fact, lots of lesbians are overweight, older, anxious, short—you name it. The thing is, we all acknowledge that we are never going to measure up to an arbitrary social standard imposed by a world that doesn't care if we're happy. So why do that?

Here's the secret. Girls don't necessarily care that you're not a Greek god. They want you to engage with them, respect them, make them laugh, and share their joys and sorrows. Most of all, they want a human being. They want someone with hopes, quirks, flaws, and goals, just like them. Will you run into shallow girls? Sure, just like girls will run into shallow guys. Shallow people suck because they spend all their energy hiding and filing down what makes them unique. Incidentally, they make lousy partners and tend to be bad in bed. Don't date them!

If you want to attract a kind, like-minded woman, cultivate interests. Give yourself a life full of self-respect, passion, and sincerity and the right lady will want to be part of that. You'll know someone's worth dating if you want to be part of her awesome life too.