40 Years of Chardonnay

What the hell am I doing, James thought to himself as he tried to remember how to tie a Windsor knot. I haven't been on a date in over 40 years; I don't know how I'm going to do this, and I'm not sure I want to.

Cynthia had always tied his tie for him, but she'd died 2 years ago after a long battle with lung cancer. He'd been left wandering ever since. He knew he counted on her for the day-to-day stuff, but he'd never realized how much. He didn't even know how to pay the bills. Thankfully, one of his daughters still lived in town, but he knew she was getting tired of his endless requests for help. He felt like a burden, like he was the one who was the invalid.

And everything seemed so pointless without Cynthia. They'd met in their teens. He'd been on a trip into town to visit relatives, and she'd been out with friends. The spark was instantaneous. They'd married right out of high school, and that was that. She'd sacrificed her chance at a college diploma to drop out and support him through law school. He'd only grown to rely on her more in their 40 years together.

How do you live without someone who's become part of your soul? He'd had some dark moments since her death, but he'd done what his family had always done: fallen back on the church for support. That's where he met Suzanne.

She'd moved to town for work but didn't have any family living locally. She was searching for a home church and a supportive church family. He'd greeted her at the first service she attended, and that led to inviting her to the Sunday School class he taught. Their discussions about scripture had led to discussions about shared interests. Finally, he worked up the nerve to ask her out.

As he stared at his crimson tie in the mirror, though, he was having second thoughts. It had been two years, but this still felt like a betrayal. His family had been supportive; he knew they worried about him and wanted him to be happy again. And he could hear Cynthia in his head, "Come on, Jay, you can't sit around like a lump forever." She'd be so concerned and angry at him if she could see him now. He couldn't keep going on like this, but he wasn't sure he could change, either.

Suddenly, he noticed a stain on his tie. As he looked down, he felt something drip off his face. He'd started crying without realizing it.

He'd decided to go with the royal blue tie instead. He'd also splashed his face with cold water to clear his head. Now, he was standing in the restaurant waiting for Suzanne. They'd agreed to arrive separately to take some of the pressure off of the situation. She knew he was a widower, and he knew she was divorced, so they wanted to keep things casual for a first date.

Just as he looked up from his watch, he saw her. She'd gone with a tight black dress with a high neckline and knee-length hemline. It was a demure choice that still highlighted her petite frame. She quickly spotted him; her dark hair fell into her eyes as she approached him.

"I hope you haven't been waiting long," she apologized, "I'm still finding my way around town and got a little lost."

"I haven't been here long at all," he replied, offering his arm. "Ready to taste the best steak this town has to offer?"

Suzanne chuckled and entwined her arm in his. "I'd be delighted."

He'd used all of his charm on the greeting. Now, they both stared silently, awkwardly, at the menu and searched for something to say. It was a relief when the waiter came to take their drink orders.

"I'll have the Kendall Jackson Chardonnay," James said. Cynthia had always loved dry, white wines, and the Kendall Jackson had been her favorite. He knew he was supposed to be focused on Suzanne, but he couldn't help but order the Chardonnay when he spotted it on the menu.

"The J. Lohr Merlot for me," Suzanne added.

As the waiter left the table, James said, "A red wine girl, huh? Cynthia and I were always white wine people."

"White wine gives me a headache," Suzanne replied. "I thought I couldn't drink wine at all until my ex introduced me to Merlot."

The silence was broken. James and Suzanne started talking about relationships and how they shape you. Suzanne had been divorced twice, and the second one had been messy, complicated by infidelity and antagonism. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to be married again, but she didn't want to let the past keep her from finding something better.

James talked about Cynthia and the hole she'd left in his life. They began to realize there were similarities between their pain, their sense of loneliness and inadequacy. It was like they began to resonate, one frequency adjusting to meet the other.

By the end of the meal, they were each on their third glass of wine. He'd told Suzanne about Cynthia's predilection for white wine and that he hadn't had a red in at least a decade. Suzanne held the fresh glass out to him and asked, "Want to try?"

James hesitated for a moment before reaching out for the glass. After 40 years of Chardonnay, maybe it was time to take a chance on a Merlot.