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3 Tips for Dating Success

Ending it when it needs to or sticking it through for the long-haul

By Rachelle HallPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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We are all searching for the right formula for having success in dating, right? I know I was when my now husband and I were dating. I wanted things to be precise. Give me thoroughness, give me quality, give me precision. That's kinda how I work through life in general.

Unfortunately, dating doesn't really work like that; try as we might to make it be so. Everyone has a different way of doing things, a different way their relationship flows because every couple is made up of different parts. Different personalities, different paces, different upbringings. There are a lot of moving pieces in there. The good news is, there are also LOTS of brilliant tips out there to help us along the way that are pretty universal despite the variables of any given relationship.

In my mind, dating success looks like discontinuing the relationship if it isn't going anywhere OR continuing the relationship when it looks promising. So, how does one know if a relationship should be ended or if it's something worth pursuing? Here are 3 tips for dating success:

Tip #1: Be aware of how much and how quickly you give of yourself

Starting a new relationship is a thrilling experience. You get butterflies, the giggles, the tentative encounters, the mystery of getting to know this person in a new way. It's so exciting. However, sometimes that excitement can lend to some oversharing. This could be:

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Mentally (only space for him/her, no one or nothing else)
  • In life (telling her your deepest darkest secrets on the first date might be a bit much)
  • In action (don't be his mother)

"Do not let your level of intimacy surpass your level of commitment."

Often, we get so excited that we overshare in some or all of the ways I mentioned above. I heard it said once, "Do not let your level of intimacy surpass your level of commitment." This was some of the best advice my husband and I received because it inspired us to make sure that we held what the other person was giving us with responsibility, but it also made room for a successful breakup, if necessary (thankfully it wasn't). Yes, a successful breakup is possible.

When you don't give too much of yourselves too soon, you enable yourselves to learn so much about honoring each other regardless of the outcome. You slowly create space for trust and deeper relationship, but you also create space to leave each other BETTER than when you first got together, not worse. It makes it possible to still be whole and to be grateful for the experience and love you shared together, without feeling like a piece of you is being ripped out of you when the person leaves. You didn't give them more than their commitment towards you granted.

Tip #2: Find commonalities in your life goals and core values

One of the biggest hang-ups people run into in their relationships is life goals and core values not lining up. This is a very, very important factor. Often, you can't have one person in the relationship who longs to work in politics in Washington D.C., and one who wants to bring humanitarian aid to an orphanage in Cambodia. Those two aspirations do not necessarily work hand-in-hand.

Likewise, if one person has a core value of harmony, but the other has a core value of truth, these core values may clash. A person with a harmony core value will try at all costs to keep the peace, even if that means compromising the truth (or what they believe to be true) in order to prioritize the harmony of the majority.

However, a person with a truth core value will strive to preserve what they believe to be right and true regardless of the group consenses. They are not afraid of conflict in the interest of preserving truth.

Sometimes, seemingly opposing life goals and core values can actually be made to work together, but I think that's more the exception than the rule.

Ask yourself the hard questions before getting in too deep.

  1. Will we be able to find compromise in our life goals and core values? Or better yet...
  2. Do our life goals and core values compliment each other, and could we inspire one another through them?

Tip #3: Pay attention to how and if you are actually communicating

Communication is a touted relationship staple. Everyone knows how important communication is. Right? Not really.

When it comes to relationship advice, people always talk about how important communication is, but no one really talks about HOW to actually communicate. Communication is not about talking, it's actually much more about HEARING and UNDERSTANDING than talking.

One of my favorite teachers on relationships, Danny Silk, talks about the purpose of communication being "seeking to understand". This is vital. So many of us go into a conversation seeking to be understood, rather than to understand. This doesn't do anyone any favors because then you have two talkers, rather than a hearer and a talker who take turns swapping roles. Nothing is being accomplished when this happens.

Sometimes, we can also be so infatuated in our relationship that the focus is actually not on learning more about each other, but on snuggling or watching movies or playing games, all of which are good things in moderation, but they're not good if communication is getting neglected. Find a way to prioritize connection in the form of communication, as well as connection through fun activities together. You need both for a thriving relationship.

This is not a complete and comprehensive list of everything that leads to success in dating, but these are some key elements that I think will give you the tools you need to put yourself on the right path and set you up for success. Dating is about figuring out compatibility, growing in love and honor for each other, and deciding whether this person is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. Its is challening, exciting, stretching, and oh so wonderful. Happy dating!

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About the Creator

Rachelle Hall

Hi, there!

My name is Rachelle. I’m a full-time, volunteer missionary with YWAM (Youth With A Mission). Originally from California. Married to an amazing man named Ezekiel. INFJ. Enneagram 5w4. Currently with YWAM in Flagstaff, Arizona.

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