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3 Surprising Ways To Be More Present During Sex

How to be more present in bed can sometimes feel like a massive challenge.

By Leigh NorénPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
Photo by Claudia van Zyl

If you’re constantly riddled with thoughts and worries during sex, it might even be hard to believe it can change. But it can - and this article covers three unusual ways to do it, written by me, a sex therapist and online sex coach with years of experience.

Sex Is About You

When we’re faced with a sexual difficulty, our first thought is often to work on the sexual aspect. And this makes sense, right? If it’s sexual in nature - surely we should work on the sexual side of things.

But the thing is, sexual problems aren’t always solved through merely changing sexual aspects like practices or techniques.

Sexual problems also require we work beyond our sexuality and sex life. They require we work with our whole person and our life in general.

Why? Because of sexuality doesn’t exist in a void - it’s a part of us.

Sex really isn’t just a biological act spurred by hormones - it’s a pleasurable, intimate experience that involves our whole selves. Therefore, working with your whole self can have a deep and lasting impact on your sex life.

How To Be More Present In Bed In 3 Unusual Ways

1. Change how you eat

While this may sound weird - hear me out for a second!

Eating food, just like having sex, can be a sensual experience. Satisfying flavours, different textures, and pleasant aromas are all a part of our eating experience (if we allow them to be). And because both sex and eating can be sensual experiences - they’re closely linked.

By focusing on how you eat, you can get important clues on how you approach sex.

For example:

• Do you gobble it all down while scrolling on your phone?

• Perhaps you eat a lot of your meals while on the go?

• Or maybe you eat the same thing for dinner every day?

These clues might tell you something about your relationship with sex. For instance:

• Perhaps you always multitask during sex by planning your week in your head, simultaneously.

• Maybe you rush through sex each time, not stopping to savour the moment.

• Or maybe your sex life is always the same - beginning with kissing and ending with vaginal penetration.

Changing how you eat by savouring the moment and focusing on your food, instead of on your phone, can have a trickle-down effect.

Because the more present you can be with other, potentially sensual experiences (eating food), the more your brain learns how to be present in the moment in general. Therefore, changing how you eat will make it easier for you to be present during sex.

And when you’re more present - sex is likely to be so much more enjoyable

2. Stop scrolling your phone while doing what you enjoy

A lot of us (myself included) can find ourselves multi-tasking even while doing something we enjoy, like binging tv. Five minutes into an exciting plot, we realise we’re simultaneously scrolling through instagram.

This means two things:

1. We’re finding it difficult to be present in the moment.

2. As a result, we’re not enjoying the tv-series or Instagram as much as we could, had we focused on one at a time.

Multi-tasking during the day, even when doing things we enjoy, is a clue to slow down and focus on one thing at a time.

When we do this, we work on being mindful, and with more mindfulness in our day-to-day, it’s easier to be more mindful during sex. Because the whole point of sex is to enjoy it and be in the moment. When we’re not, it’s simply not as satisfying.

Next time you notice yourself scrolling aimlessly through Instagram while chatting to a friend, or engaging with your partner - practice putting your phone down and immersing yourself in the activity.

3. Connect to your breath

How to be more present in bed is also about how we breathe. Breathwork and breathing exercises are all the rage today, and this is simply because they work.

Our breath is indicative of how we’re feeling.

For instance:

• If your breath is shallow and high up in your chest, it usually means you’re stressed, worried or anxious.

• When your breath is deep and fills your stomach, it tends to mean you’re relaxed and feel safe.

If you find it difficult to move your breath down to your stomach, or you feel stressed most of the time - this is a sign to focus on your breath.

By consciously giving yourself a few moments to focus on your breath and move it down to your stomach - you’re giving yourself a better chance of enjoying sex.

This is because stress and worry are, more often than not, antidotes to sexual desire. What this means is that, the more worried we are, the less desire and sexual arousal we feel. And with less desire and arousal, it's harder to stay present in the moment (because the moment isn’t much fun).

When you learn how to regulate your breath in general in life, you’ll be able to regulate yourself more easily during sex. This means you release worry and anxiety - and increase desire and pleasure.

What You Focus On Thrives

There are lots of ways of becoming more present during sex. One crucial way is working on your presence in life in general. Because what we focus on - thrives.

How to be more present in bed and savour the experience, doesn’t have to be complicated.

By regulating your breath, practicing doing one thing at a time, and focusing on changing how you eat - you’re giving yourself a real chance of actually enjoying sex.


Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and coach with a Master of Science in Sexology. She helps people reduce stress, shame, & anxiety surrounding sex - so they can get their sex drive back and enjoy their partner again. If you want to increase your desire, download her free resource The Desire Test.

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About the Creator

Leigh Norén

Sex therapist with a Master of Science in Sexology. Offers free online resources for a better sex life and relationship, sex therapy, and online courses.

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