2020 Tested My Life Plan

January 2020

To start the year, I was happy, or I thought I was. I lived with my fiancé and was getting ready to move in March. We had been together for 6 years and engaged for 2 years. We picked our wedding date to be January 23, 2021. Everything was okay. I was content with my relationship. I had thoughts that maybe I was making a mistake. Something just didn’t feel right in the relationship. I was constantly envious of close friends sharing how much they loved their partner or expressing love without a feeling of embarrassment or shame. I was embarrassed to show love in public (i.e. holding hands, small pecks on the lips/cheeks), but I still wanted those things. Anytime I tried that with my partner, he would question me or give me a weird look, so I stopped trying. We stopped going on dates after the first few months of dating. Only on our anniversary, we would go out to eat or stay in and order something. I thought this was normal. Neither of us showed that we wanted to change that, until I did.

February 2020

I started to get more into makeup and dressing formal for work. I wanted to get more into doing my hair or my nails. I had just got promoted so I had some extra cash to spoil myself here and there. He remained the same. I voiced that I wanted to grow and he could grow with me. I offered ways we could work together, but he never tried. As I continued to grow, I began to realize that I was making a mistake. I dwelled on this for a while, since I didn’t want to think I wasted 6 years of my life with this man. After moving into our new apartment, things just got harder.

March 2020

By then we had called off the engagement, but I already wanted to be free. I was growing and he was just holding me back. I was constantly in a relationship with someone since high school, and this time, I wanted to know how to grow on my own. I wanted to stand my own ground after hiding behind someone constantly. I needed to know if I could be independent. There was so much I wanted to learn about myself, that I didn’t see possible to do with him. After long night talks and difficult situations, we broke up. That was the end, and I was happy about it.

One of his friends tried to help us stay together. He moderated our talks and would listen to both of our sides outside the conversations. With his friend and me working together, we mostly talked outside my job by our cars. He gave me a breath of fresh air and I knew he was being there as a friend. After the break up, we started seeing each other more. I wanted to spend my time single to find myself, but I was also still learning how to live alone. We did do some things, but we’re both adults and we didn’t try to evolve the relationship into anything more than just friends with a tad of benefits.

May 2020

But just as most crazy romances go, I got pregnant. I felt it was too early, and it couldn’t be possible. I was careful, but I guess not enough. I was living alone and barely affording rent. I couldn’t do it. I spoke to the friend about it, and we came to an agreement to get an abortion. As it is something hard to talk about, I struggled to find anyone to open up too. At this point, the friend dedicated his time to take care of me and help me where he could. I was a mess. The hormones from the pregnancy caused me to go into deep depression. I was alone at night and when I got home after work, so those times were the hardest. He wasn’t working at the same company at this time. He got let go a month prior, but with my living situation, he couldn’t come over as often. As the days counted down for the doctor’s appointment, it just got harder. My state of mind was declining and I was struggling to find the will to go to work. I was constantly having mild cramps and stressing about doing anything. Then the day finally arrived.

June 2020

He drove me to Planned Parenthood to see the doctor and go through the steps. Due to Covid, he was forced to stay in the car while I had my ultrasound. They said I was 6 weeks, but there was no heartbeat. I already knew I didn’t want to bring a child into this world and not be ready to raise it. I didn’t want to leave it up to adoption, because I couldn’t do that to a child I gave birth to. With the situation at hand and the way I was feeling, abortion would be the only way. My gut had a feeling the pregnancy would fail anyway. I thought it was odd that there was no heartbeat and I would bleed and have cramps quite often. This felt like the safest route for my body as well. We did the procedure the following day, and it was over. No more child. I don’t regret what I did, I feel it was right for my body and for my child. The child I would have given birth to probably would have been miserable. I didn’t make enough money to support it and I was in a fresh not official relationship. We continued to see each other for a few months until we decided to make it official.

July - December 2020

After starting the relationship, things just kept getting better. I got another promotion at my job and began making some pretty good money. I was still struggling with keeping the apartment, but my new partner moved in and started to help with expenses. Although I wanted to stay single and learn more about myself, he started to help me learn about myself. He knew how to get me out of my slump when I was down, and he knew how to let me grow without holding me back. He never questioned anything I would do and would always welcome any kind of challenge that came our way. We felt the same things. There was a spark that I never felt before, and to this day, that spark is still there.

I struggled to get through that year and to get through to finding myself. I found love; I lived alone; I cancelled a potential wedding; I got pregnant. I thought I knew what love was and wasn’t looking forward to a child. Now, I know love, and I have never looked more forward to my future than now.