16 Signs of an Ungenuine Friendship

The purpose of this post is NOT to influence readers into throwing away a friendship that could be saved. Many of these signs listed may be unintentional and/or could be resolved with a meaningful conversation.

Nor is this post exposing anyone in particular, for we are all not perfect.

The topics listed below are personal experiences from the writer regarding genuine/ungenuine signs within friendships, and they hope this will bring further insight to the reader.

With that being said... Clicking on this post is a sign itself, so let's get to it.

1. The friendship runs off of convenience

With how busy life is, it can be challenging to squeeze in a lunch date when this week's schedule is packed. However, it doesn't feel like a problem to tweak our schedule every now and then for someone we love.

When we honor a relationship we share with someone, we don't make excuses or purposely stay busy to avoid them. We make things work and pull through with our plans. If we don't have time this week, then we communicate with our friend(s) about what's going on in our life and shoot for the next.

Of course, some may not feel the same. If there's a friend who seems to always put you last at the end of their day or expects you to be there for them whenever they please, that's a sign.

Friendships are NOT a convenience and nobody deserves to be treated as such.

2. Boundaries are not a thing

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. We all need them. If there's a friend who always seems to be stepping over that boundary, it's time to reassess the boundaries you set out for yourself and stick to them. Here are a few examples of unhealthy boundaries:

These examples are not healthy in any way, shape, or form, so it's crucial to know that all of your boundaries are up to YOU to make for yourself. Nobody else. Setting a boundary becomes easier when you know what you want out of it. Here are some questions to ask when reestablishing boundaries:

Knowing when to draw the line is huge, and sticking to it is even bigger. When you set boundaries yet don't follow through with them, others will easily see that you're not taking them seriously. So, why should they?

Ungenuine friendships will take advantage of frail boundaries, so it's important to protect yourself, your space, and your energy.

Your life is not their life, vice versa. If a friend notices boundaries are being reestablished and they're not willing to respect it— then they don't respect you as an individual and that's a sign.

3. They're committed to everything else except the friendship

It hurts knowing that a friend doesn't cherish you when you would give them the world. If there's a friend who can't follow through with their plans, promises, or prefers others before you, the friendship isn't rich. Rather, dirt poor.

This ties along with convenience, and true friendships will show through their actions if they're committed. Words become powerless when actions reveal everything that you need to know.

4. The friendship feels one-sided

Are you the type of friend that's willing to listen to others for hours on end yet never gets the chance to say anything? Or are you the type of friend that does favors and never asks for anything in return?

Although this can be a good quality to have, it can cause selfless people prone to being taken advantage of.

If a friend constantly talks about their lives yet never asks how you're doing, or if they're the one who always needs to be saved but stands by when you need the help, the friendship may be one-sided.

Friendships are not about what one person wants, what they want to do all the time, and how they want to do it. It takes two to make a friendship fruitful.

When we fill our lives with one-sided friendships, it can feel very lonely and also become depleting as time goes on. It's important to know what we want/expect out of any relationship in our lives (cough, cough. boundaries), and it's a powerful act when we explain that from the get-go.

5. Everything is competitive

When you have accomplished a goal you've been working on, how does your friend react?

Do they congratulate you, tell you how proud they are, or do they disregard your hard work and turn the conversation back to them? Do they try to "one-up" by saying they reached a higher goal? Is there a need for them to make your goals feel small? When they congratulate, does their facial expressions and tone of voice match with what they're saying?

These are questions and observations that need self-awareness so there can be a better understanding of their intentions. If there's a friend that does these things out of spite, it may be because of envy, jealousy, or the fact that they can't stand to see anyone doing "better" than them.

Whatever they may be feeling, it has nothing to do with you so keep accomplishing those goals.

However, your friend may not even notice that they're doing this!

Maybe they don't know how to communicate with others without talking about themselves, or they're uncomfortable in their own skin which is why they unconsciously compete. A heart-to-heart conversation could help bring clarity to a problem they're not even aware of.

Overall, true friends get hyped when you bring them great news about your life, not try to compete with it.

6. They find amusement in your setbacks and shortcomings

Talking to our friends about our delays, failures, and everything in between should be a way of openly expressing our beautiful journey and process as what we call life. It should also be an opportunity for our friends to encourage and inspire us with whatever we're going through with no judgment.

However, if there's a friend in your life who fuels up off of knowing you're struggling and also finds pure amusement in your setbacks/shortcomings, that's a major sign.

Next time when you tell your friend about a downfall you're currently facing, take note of their reaction. Here are some questions to ask when observing how they react regarding your setbacks:

• What did their body language reveal to me when I told them this information? Did they suddenly relax and open up to this news as if it were a pleasant surprise?
• Was there subtle pleasantness and contentment in their reaction when I told them?
• What did they say afterward and what were their facial expressions when they said it? Did the two match up with one another?
• Did they respond to my shortcomings by turning the conversation back around about an accomplishment they achieved? If so, how did they go about explaining this, and what were their intentions behind it?
• With what they said and how they responded, how do I feel about their reaction?
• When I bounced back from the situation I was previously struggling in, did their behavior change in a negative way?

When a friend finds bliss in knowing of your struggles, don't take it personally but don't forget about that. In a twisted way, this makes them feel better about themselves and that itself exposes a lot of suffering that's within them.

How they react to your setbacks will show their true intentions, and that should be inspiring for you because you now have an opportunity to prove yourself for YOURSELF only.

Being able to become fortunate out of a misfortunate circumstance is something nongenuine friendships don't value, and that should say enough.

7. Getting excluded from friend gatherings

It's one thing to invite your friends to go shopping for another friend's surprise birthday party... It's another when your friends purposely exclude you from joining in on fun activities with them. If you're being excluded from friend gatherings or activities, it's probably for a reason.

They may want to talk about you, or may not want you to be there simply because you shine too bright. Maybe they know you're hustling and putting in the hours so they don't bother in offering.

Ask this: what message am I getting from my friends and do they want me to feel alienated when they do this?

Every situation and circumstance plays out differently, so pay attention to the underlying meaning of maybe why you're getting excluded. If this is really bothersome, bring this up in a conversation and explain to your friends how it makes you feel when this happens.

If they play it off like it's nothing and they seem to relish in the pain that was caused, that's a sign that the friendship is most likely not genuine.

8. They switch up when others are around

Do you have a friend who you love being around when it's just the two of you? You two may have the greatest time together, yet when anyone else comes around, that changes?

There could be many reasons as to why your friend will start to act weird the moment other people come around. Here are some possibilities of maybe why they could be acting differently:

When you catch this happening within your friend as others come along, take notice of how they change. Are they unexpectedly mean to you for no reason? Does their personality flip like a switch? Are they trying too hard for the other's approval?

If so, your friend may have a hard time with relationships in general and probably struggles with their self-image. This is not a place for judgment and hostility... Rather it could be an opportunity for you and your mutual friends to get together and sit down with this friend to reassure them that you guys love them for who they are. Not who they are trying to appear as.

Genuine friendships don't act one way with one person, yet another to the next unless there's hidden suffering within that friendship or within the friend themselves.

9. They purposely try to heighten your insecurities

Pointing out flaws in other people is ugly, and insecurity will scream from the rooftops when this happens.

No fully confident person will ever try to make someone else feel insecure, especially their friends. There are many ways someone can try and make another feel insecure about themselves:

If the bells are ringing, this is a definite sign. No matter how small, a jab is a jab. The intentions behind it are all the same.

It can be eye-opening to have a friend that gives you a reality check from time to time when you really need it... But if they're always trying to put you down in the smallest of ways or tries preventing you from becoming your best self, that's a sign of something ungenuine.

Don't take this to heart, for their attempts to make you insecure is just a reflection of how they truly feel about themselves. Developing compassion and understanding for this friend can bring well-deserved healing and can also help you decide to either move on from this relationship or not.

10. They shame you

Do you have a hobby most people don't have? Or are you into a fetish that feels like no one understands?

Just because you're different than your friends, it doesn't mean they get the privilege to treat you differently. Let alone try to shame you for it.

You are who you are, and someone's demeaning opinions shouldn't make you feel ashamed for that. Genuine friendships are filled with unconditional love and acceptance.

So, if you're not feeling that love from your friend in which you deserve, dive deep into the timeline of your friendship and figure out why they may be shaming you in the first place.

11. They're always there when you're at your lowest, yet are gone when you get back up

The header says it all.

If your friend can't stand to see you at your best, then it will sting when they see that you kept elevating higher.

Nongenuine friendships flourish when life gets rough, it's something that makes them feel more secure at the end of the day. Yet when things start to perk up, it becomes a different story... And poof! They performed a Houdini.

Genuine friendships will be there all the way to the end, despite the condition(s) you're in.

12. They're only present when you're up

Despite the following sign above, this is just as important to notice and not to be overlooked or underestimated— for it's a double-edged sword.

When there's a friend who is only there when things are good and smooth sailing, yet runs into the horizon when sh!t hits the fan... That's a sign that they're not a true ride or die and most likely only cares about themselves.

Long story short, genuine friends will be there for you throughout all phases of your life and they will show that by showing up for the good, the bad, and the definite ugly.

13. What's bothersome, doesn't concern them

Ever opened up to a friend about something that bothered you and it ended up getting swept to the side? Do they play things off like it's cool and try to assure you that you're being a little too sensitive?

This is a tell-tale sign your friendship isn't as genuine as you hoped it would be.

If something bothers you, your friend will feel unsettled knowing this. They will listen and try to understand your point of view, not brush it off.

Most importantly, if something about them bothers you and you're capable of expressing your concerns in a loving way, they will try their best to improve themselves as a friend and especially as a person.

If they pretend that they don't care, then they're probably not pretending.

14. There's a desire for a hierarchy

Is there a friend in your life who feels as though they're superior to you? It may be because of status, money, appearance, inflated ego, etc. Whatever reason it may be, it doesn't matter... There shouldn't be a desire for being the "elite" person in any friend group.

It's not cute, especially when that friend tries to "put you back in your place" when they think you're getting out of line. Wherever that place may be...

If you spot this in your friend, then they probably have insecurity issues and possibly may struggle with a controlling problem.

Again, your friend may not even realize that they're doing this! Having a conversation with them can bring awareness that they're just like everyone else. Equals.

15. When you look at them, you see a mirror

Copying is the greatest form of flattery... Blah. Blah. Blah. Yet is it really flattering when you feel like your identity has been stolen?

If your friend tries to take ownership of your unique personality, that may be an indication your friendship isn't entirely genuine.

Keep in mind... That although you're one of a kind, your ideas came from somewhere outside of yourself. So, try to remain humble in remembering that there's no such thing as an "original" idea.

Nafissa Shireen, a Youtuber, made a great point about this topic (clicking on her name will bring you to the video).

She explained that when someone is imitating you in any sort of way, it won't look or feel natural for them. Especially to others that are observing, because they will see right through the act.

Shireen also gave a great example of a daughter playing dress-up in her mother's clothing... Sure, the daughter looks adorable, drowning in her mom's clothes and tripping in her heels, but everyone knows that the daughter is trying to replicate her mother.

The same goes for a copycat.

Please note: your friend might not know who they are as a person, so having an open mind can help to understand them better.

Giving a friend the encouragement to soul-search and find themselves could help resolve this issue and get the friendship back to its natural state.

Even if they try their best to be like you, they will never achieve in doing so. Everyone is different for a reason, so don't take their mimicking tendencies too personally and keep doing you.

16. You just get this feeling

If there's something off about your friend that gives you this feeling of uncertainty, it's time to look deeper within that friendship and find the underlying source of why you're getting this feeling as is.

Listen to the instincts, not the head.

Considering that we have approximately 6,200 thoughts per day, it can be easy to be influenced by our brains and get wrapped up in our thinking process. Listening to the body shows us more than what's in the brain.

So, next time when you get that "feeling", about someone or something, trust it.

Conclusion

Again, many of these signs can be resolved by a meaningful conversation and shouldn't be handled with hatred, resentment, and/or hostility. That will never bring closure nor peace.

Yet if you've tried expressing these problems to your friend(s) and nothing has changed, it's time to make that decision for yourself in what you're going to do about it.

Everyone deserves to experience genuine friendships, but that's a choice we must choose for ourselves when we realize one of our friendships isn't anywhere near genuine.

Have you experienced any of these signs within your friendship? Or have you identified some of these signs within yourself?

Bringing awareness is the first step to change, and the writer hopes this has brought clarity to the reader's dilemma regarding a true genuine friendship.