11 Reasons To Conceal Your Past Dating Experience From Your New Partner

I wouldn't normally say this, but sometimes lying in a relationship is the right thing to do.

Hear me out.

When my ex and I got back together many moons ago (before breaking up again), he heard some rumours about me he wanted to clarify.

During the time between our first split, he heard that I had slept with my first boyfriend. He knew my first boyfriend and despised the guy. But because of friends of friends, the story had spread like wildfire.

I remember thinking at the time, "Why does he want to know this?" I could come up with any logical reason why knowing this should change his perception of me and our relationship.

But before I could answer the question, I rattled off the lie with simple ease. "No, that didn't happen."

Why did I say that? Why did I lie to him about my dating past?

Here's what I reasoned and have learned from my vast dating experiences. There are some things in your dating past that should remain dead and buried, even if you have to lie about them.

There are some things your partner doesn't need to know.

Here are the fifteen reasons why concealing your parts or all your past dating life is the best option. 

And the only way for your relationship to survive.

1. TMI

I'm sure if we polled every person who read this, there would be a 50/50 split on this debate. Half the people would want to know about their partner's past, the other half wouldn't want to know.

That other half wouldn't want to imagine or visualise their partner with someone else.

It's like thinking about your parents having sex. You know they have because they made you. 

But you don't have to know about it, hear about it, or have all the visuals described to you in long detail.

2. TMI that breaks the relationship

And if you decided to tell them, you may discover where your partner sat on the TMI poll I mentioned. It turns out they were in the group that said they didn't want to know.

But you've told them, anyway. You can't take it back.

It's a fine line, but erring on the side of caution is better than assuming they want to know. I've watched many partners become angry over finding out the past of their current partner. 

They share the same reaction as thinking about their parents having sex.

But instead of rationally taking on board the information and moving on from it, they let it break the relationship. They blame the partner for being honest. They label it as sabotage, purposefully telling them to annoy them.

It's an extreme reaction. Yet, if this is the first time you're telling your partner about your past, you don't know how it's going to go. You're gambling with their reaction.

And yes, perhaps if that's their reaction, good riddance. But that's for another time.

3. Opening a can of worms you can't close

Once you start talking about your past, you've opened the door for everything in your past. You might not see it like this, but this signifies a change in your relationship.

Everything is now on the table for conversation. Nothing is off-limits.

It means if you're fine for them to know everything about your dating past, they are open to telling you about theirs.

It means they have the right to ask you questions, probe you on parts you've told them, and want to know more.

Do you really want to get into the time you kissed some guy at your high school prom? Or the awful moment you lost your virginity to someone you didn't really like?

I know I'm not always interested in reliving those moments.

But if you start talking about your past, you might have to.

4. You were young and dumb

I'm, gulp, 34 as I write this. I kissed my first boy when I was 15. Did I know what I was doing nearly 20 years ago? Was I making the smartest decisions?

Of course, I wasn't.

I know better now. You know better now. And your partner knows better now, too.

We don't want to feel scrutinised for the young and dumb things we did in our past. They haven't defined us, nor do we subscribe to those behaviours now.

The person we are dating is dating the person we are now. They aren't dating the version of us from five, ten, fifteen years ago.

If these events aren't relevant to who we are now, if they are silly things from when we were young and dumb, that's where they should stay.

5. You have a different set of values now

I'm not the same as 15-year-old me kissing that first boy. I didn't know what romance was back then, what I wanted from a relationship, what it meant to like someone more than a silly crush.

I was learning.

When you're finding your way, you have a warped perception of the world. But as we become wiser, this perception becomes more steadfast, resolute and accurate.

Your dating values change as you get older. With every year, you prioritise different qualities in people. You also change your standards of behaviour for yourself and your expectations of people.

It's like fashion. You change your style. 

But you would hope the daggy clothing you wore when you were young doesn't define the stylish look you have now.

6. It's your secret

I don't believe there is anything wrong with having parts of your life that are just for you.

If you've indulged in any self-help material, you will know how important it is to prioritise yourself and do what makes you happy. It's best to love your life and put yourself first.

Some of this putting yourself first means having experiences that are just for you. Bringing other people into this secret might spoil your memories.

You and your partner aren't the same people. Your union hasn't moulded your brains together, meaning you have to share every last single memory in order to function.

It's ok to keep something aside, especially if it's from decades ago.

7. People can be too quick to judge

I try to walk in other people's shoes.

I try to look at other people's experiences through my own lens, imagining how they would feel and respond at that exact moment.

When someone tells me about their life, I try to keep an open mind and avoid snap judgement.

That's me, though. That's not the world we live in, I'm sorry to say. People are quick to judge you, even without hearing the full story first.

This approach to life is worsening with the court of public opinion. Thanks to social trolling, we're being trained to make snap judgements without all the facts.

I'm not saying your partner is going to make a snap judgement about you. It's not a guarantee. But we can't assume they're going to be kind or understanding.

8. Sometimes we're not ready to talk

There are many reasons why we don't want to talk about our past dating experiences. And until we are ready, it's best not to open up.

This is our story, not our partner's story to own. It's our experience to process and digest, and we need to feel comfortable before our partner does.

It sounds selfish when you put it like that, but how can you tell a story when you can't find the words?

This reason is more about timing. You can't deny the importance of timing in your relationship.

If it's not right, don't go there. It can't end well if you do.

9. You have bigger fish to fry

When we talk about our dating past, we can't tell our new partner everything. There is a priority order of information a partner needs to know, and not all has to be romantic.

The older you get, the less you have to tell your new partner about past flings and one-off flings from ten years ago. 

They don't matter compared to everything else in your life.

If you're someone with kids from a past relationship, someone with complicated working situations, or someone who has survived abuse, they are the priority to tell a new partner.

Even family dynamics and complicated situations with friends take precedence. Those situations can engulf you, making some of your dating past completely unimportant to you.

10. Situational situations

Sometimes you just had to be there. You had to be in the moment, with you, experiencing those dating moments with you.

You can't recount the situation with any justice. It doesn't make sense without extreme context and lots of backstories.

It doesn't mean your partner doesn't have the right to know, just because they weren't there. It's not like some exclusive club or anything like that.

Yet, for some, it's a moment that happened and that's where it lives, in the past.

11. Your partner should love you for who you are now

Many people think it's wrong to keep your past relationships from your current partner. 

It's lying. It's harmful to your future.

And whilst there are many reasons why keeping your past isn't always a good thing, your partner hasn't started dating past you. They haven't fallen in love with who you are ten years ago, for example.

They should love you for who you are now. Knowing about your past shouldn't be the thing that helps them decide to love you or not. It shouldn't be the decision-maker.

And if it is, that's an issue your partner needs to work through.

Some lies you can't regret

When it came to my ex, I don't regret concealing the truth. He didn't need to know anything about my single life I didn't want him to know. It didn't concern him who I slept with when we weren't together.

This didn't mean he didn't want to know. But needing and wanting are two very different things. His curiosity wasn't enough for me to talk about something incredibly private to me.

This whole concept is about picking and choosing, though. In the case of my one night with my ex: 

It didn't change how we dated 

It didn't define me 

It meant nothing to me

It didn't result in babies, diseases or any physical attachment

It didn't result in any emotional attachment

It might as well have been with a complete stranger.

Yet, some parts of our dating past define who we are in relationships.

Bad experiences are the reasons we're guarded, don't trust other people freely, and want certain things others wouldn't expect.

Hiding the things our partner should know that would help them understand you isn't wise. It's hurting your relationship.

Here's the important thing to do: find balance. Find the harmony between being a closed and open book. Approach your past somewhere in the middle.