0 and 10,000 times: the answer to why people make the same mistakes over and over again

01

It was touching to read a story from a netizen on China's Zhihu.

This netizen said that her husband, a northerner with a quick temper, did not take it seriously before the marriage.

One day after the marriage, they had an argument and her husband moved against her, and she realised that she had suffered domestic violence.

Without compromise or tolerance, she decisively filed for divorce and moved out of her current city to get rid of her husband's pestering and threats once and for all.

Today, she has remarried, her husband is very good to her and she lives happily.

It can be said that this netizen's fight back is perfect compared to those who dare not divorce and do not want to divorce even though domestic violence happens again and again, and her courage and wisdom is worth learning from.

We always say that there are only 0 times and countless times of domestic violence.

Once domestic violence happens, it can easily become a family affair later on.

Many victims of domestic violence are not able to stop as decisively as this friend, they know their partner is bad, but they cannot leave, leaving themselves in a spiral and being hurt repeatedly.

According to German psychologist Gita Jacobs, this is a phenomenon that is not always easy to understand. According to German psychologist Ghita Jacob, the reason behind this phenomenon is the way we think and behave.

To put it bluntly, how we see and think about things determines how we will act.

People who fall down in the same place several times and always make the same types of mistakes will keep repeating them if they don't change their way of thinking and perception.

How can you break out of this passive situation, get out of the shackles and regain control of your life and livelihood?

Ghita. In her new book "0 times and 10,000 times", Jacob gives the answer: find your inner child and correct your perceptions.

By raising your level of mind and changing the way you behave, you can lead a happy life.

02

The kind of self-perception we have is the kind of destiny we have.

For psychologists, cognition is a pattern of thinking and behaviour, which is made up of four components: "inner child, inner judge, coping style and adult self".

These terms are obscure to non-psychologists.

But they are easy to understand through the real-life stories Ghita tells in the book.

The book talks about Nora's experience.

Nora is 30 years old, she has a happy family, a considerate husband, excellent children and she works in a flat herself.

However, there are certain situations in which Nora feels deeply helpless and like an abandoned child.

For example, several colleagues tell a joke that she does not understand and cannot laugh at, which makes her feel confused, out of place, rejected and isolated by her colleagues.

This is when Nora chooses to close herself off and bury herself in her work, not continuing to participate in the conversation and communication between colleagues.

Afterwards she regrets that she overreacted and that she did not have a good relationship with her colleagues.

As a result, she is always plagued by these negative emotions, feeling lonely and helpless, wanting to fit in and unable to do so.

What do you think is the root of the problem?

The answer in the book is Nora's childhood.

She grew up with no place to live and was always moving.

Her mother was too young, inexperienced and overwhelmed with childcare.

Nora stays with her mother in the homes of various relatives, whose children reject her, and when she meets some local friends, her mother takes her away with her.

This is how Nora spent her childhood.

This unique experience left her with a constant lack of confidence and feeling hurt.

Later in school, her classmates went from rejecting to blatantly bullying her.

So, after work, when Nora feels she cannot get along with her colleagues, the childhood encounters and scenarios are activated and she becomes that poor, helpless child again on the inside.

03

Ghita describes Nora's experience as a "haunter from her childhood".

What happened to Nora in her childhood had a serious impact on her perceptions as an adult.

The four factors that influence perception, as we mentioned above, are: the inner child, the inner judge, the way of coping and the adult self.

Let's analyse each of these in turn.

Nora's inner child was the little girl who was not well cared for by her mother, who was left to fend for herself, who was insecure, who was lonely and helpless.

Without the needs of the inner child being met and released, our perceptions cannot be changed or enhanced at the root.

Nora's inner judge symbolises those harmful voices from our childhood and adolescence that make us feel imperfect.

So Nora reflects and feels she is overreacting, she wants to fit in, she feels she should be doing something but can't, she feels worthless.

The inner approver can sometimes put us under a lot of pressure and even devalue ourselves.

Coping styles, then, are ways we adopt to protect ourselves in order to cope with the emotional stress and hardship.

These ways are deeply ingrained and difficult to change.

Nora, for example, was left alone when she didn't have anyone to play with as a child, and when she couldn't fit in with the group after work, she buried herself in her work and stopped paying attention to the communication and interaction between her colleagues.

The adult self, on the other hand, is a more perfect state, which refers to the ability to assess and meet one's own needs and those of one's peers well.

The signs under a healthy adult self are.

-being able to identify situations correctly and objectively, assess the situation at hand, and will adopt appropriate coping styles to deal with conflict.

-the ability to understand and balance the needs of others with the needs of self.

-can take responsibility and fulfil tasks and responsibilities.

-will defend themselves when faced with injustice.

-will not lose control of their emotions over trivial matters

-can pursue adult pleasures and enjoyment.

-being able to be aware of their emotions in the moment

-Able to recognise what should be done and what should not be done, and to act immediately without delay to avoid unnecessary trouble.

We may wish to compare our state of being and see how far we are from our adult selves.

When faced with the problem of emotional volatility, we may wish to start with these four parts and carefully review our formative years, our childhood experiences, our relationship with our parents, how we judge ourselves, what we intend to do and what we expect to achieve.

This logical line will allow us to sort out the clutter of appearances and get straight to the heart of the matter.

04

There is no greater misconception about psychology than that it is only academic content at the level of theoretical research, ungrounded, obscure and difficult to apply.

In fact, many non-specialist books on psychology, such as Ghita's book 0 Times and 10,000 Times, have stories and case studies, as well as analyses and coping methods, that resonate with us and are easy to understand, individual written vocabulary aside.

With many years of experience as a professional in clinical psychology and psychotherapy, Gita is one of the most influential psychologists in Germany.

With her book "0 and 10,000 times: Creating a new life script", she hits the nail on the head by pointing out that the reason why many people always make the same mistakes, go into dead ends and keep falling victim to similar things is essentially that there is something wrong with the way they cope.

The difference between 0 and 10,000 times is the same.

We can only dig deeper, find our 'inner child', see what she has been through and what she needs, without being harsh or demeaning, protect ourselves in reality, keep ourselves emotionally stable and positive, and have a healthy adult self.

The past cannot be admonished, but the future can still be followed.

We cannot change or re-choose our family of origin and childhood experiences, nor can we erase what has happened, but for the rest of your life, you can make your own decisions.

Do you want to make the same mistakes 10,000 times over and sink in misery? Or do you want to be like the daring friend who got out of the mire and restart your life?

This book may give you some insights.