Waking up

Pant, pant, pant my chest is heaving horribly. The feeling of my heart ramming into my ribcage is beginning to hurt my upper body. My shaky hands reach towards my chest to keep my heart in place. This nightmare has been plaguing me for a week now. Each time I wake up with a terrible panic attack. My body is always drenched in sweat, hyperventilating like I just ran a marathon without training, heart trying to burst out of my chest, and shivering uncontrollably.

"I'm safe, I'm safe...it was just another nightmare", I tell myself with a shaky voice in between breaths. My eyes close tightly on their own, I can feel my body start to gently rock back and forth ever so slightly. After some time has passed I can feel my heart start to slow down, its getting easier to breathe now. I look around my room to make sure there's nothing out of the ordinary in it. Seems like nothing has changed at all, that Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob stayed true to the letter. Then again I wouldn't know why someone from the hotel would come into my room while I'm sleeping in the middle of early morning. The room is still very dark, had I not adjusted my eyes to be able to see I would have had to turn on the lamp on the nightstand.

Once my panic attack finally starts to subside I remove the wet bedsheet from my body and walk over to the bathroom. After checking the very old and faint marks around my neck, I also notice the darker circles under my eyes. With my body still incredibly tense, I moved the shower curtain all the way to the right side. I turn the knobs in the tub to make sure the water is hot enough for a good soak. Good thing I went to bed all natural tonight, a part of me thought I'd have that same nightmare again. When the water reaches about chin level I turn the knobs to stop the flow of water from leaking out any further. Being under water always relaxes me both body and mind.

My mind wanders back to the nightmare, her voice always haunts me every time I have it. Seems like my subconsciousness is still trying to remind me of who and what that young woman meant to me. No matter how hard I try I can never fully remember her, just her voice. There are just sometimes when I hear her voice in the morning right when I'm about to wake up. I can't help but smile when I feel her lips barely touching my ear as she says, "Ever it's time to wake up." I also can't help but smile now thinking of her voice sounding so soft and the feel of her even softer lips barely touching me.

Shaking my head at the memory of her, water gently touching me. My eyes open to see the bathtub I'm still in, deciding that I've been soaking long enough to get out. With just a towel around my waist I go back into the room, get my phone from the nightstand, and sit on the edge of the bed. Seeing that it's only 6am now I decide to use this time to meditate for a few hours. Luckily I still had some time before I had to go to work.

I makeshift the bed to make it a little more comfortable to cross my legs and begin to meditate. With calming music in the background to give my mind peace I work on leveling my breathing and try to focus on the present.