Turkey Bowl 2

I wrote "Turkey Bowl" to cover movies so bad they didn't really deserve whole articles dedicated to reviewing them. The first two, The Bat (1959) starring Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead, and Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972), starring cult movie director Alan Ormsby, were indeed cinematic slop fit only for feeding to hogs (well, maybe they weren't that bad).

The next two films on my radar of rotten are Lady Frankenstein (1971) starring nobody I have ever heard of, and The Monster Maker, starring J Carrol Naish as a vaguely Peter Lorreish mad scientist trying to cure acromegaly in animals, which uses his acromegaly drops to cause acromegaly in a guy whose daughter vaguely reminds him of an old flame that went belly up. Something like that. (That's more uses of the word "acromegaly" in one sentence that the law and human decency should allow.)

Lady Frankenstein (1971)

Lady Frankenstein, though, begins with gritty, grainy promise, and then we get something about Dr. Frankenstein creating another monster (I'm not sure about this, the film not being at all memorable) and his daughter comes (comes?) and they get down and boogie with some grave robbers who steal a body; but then the Monster is revived (imagine that) and goes stomping around the village killing people (I think). He's got a big bald alien head, some scars or acne down the side of his face, and a huge drooping pop-eye that looks like a golf ball cut in half with a black dot painted on it. He also has four nail-like "electrobolts" on the side of his head; and, on the whole, this is all silly as hell and kinda cool.

I can't really remember much else about this rotten piece of cinematic sewage except that Lady Frankenstein is bed-hopping evil, and I think she and her lover or something go about collecting bodies and offing people to make another monster as cool as the one with that weird, drooping, golf ball eye. The final scene has some chick I can't quite tell who it is (was that Lady Frankenstein at the end? I wasn't paying close enough attention) nude, making love to some guy, and she has the biggest, most erect nipples outside of a Porn Hub model I've ever in my degraded life (not that I'd ever visit such a disreputable site personally, y'understand? I spend all my time at Comic Book Plus, DriveThruRPG, and the Official Disney homepage).

Anyway, she kills him. Or he kills her. Yawn. I can't get it straight. (Did I mention the totally original villagers carrying torches and pitchforks to the castle scenes?)

Lady Frankenstein 1971 Full Movie

The Monster Maker (1941?)

The Monster Maker (1941) stars J. Carrol Naish, Ralph Morgan, and GLENN STRANGE (yep, he played "The Monster" in House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein) as well as "Ace the Wonder Dog" (surely a close relative of Superboy's dog Krypto) in the searing drama of a mad doctor who gives acromegaly (as we've already mentioned, we've used the word "Acromegaly" in this short review far, far more times than we've ever used it at any time in the past or are likely to ever again use it, at any time in the foreseeable future; we should, perhaps, win the Rondo Hatton Award).

So, Ralph Morgan is this concert pianist, and Naish ("Dr. Markoff" he's called, all these guys having names that end in "off"; I could make a joke about that, but I'll refrain) and his female assistant (Tala Birell) are making monsters, and there's a guy in a hairy gorilla suit in a cage (there always is in these movies), and then he doses Morgan with the acromegaly juice, and we get a real impressive mutation makeup for 1941, and Morgan looks a little like the Elephant Man but goes crazy instead of cowering in a basement, and has to be chained down to a bed. His daughter and her 1941 movie guy with his 1944 hat and 1944 suit rescue him. (His daughter has 1944 hair in two hard-as-crust rolls marching down her head until they turn into a curly bush at the back; I imagine it would be Lucille Ball Red if filmed in color.)

Or maybe he breaks the bed chains he's chained down with. I think that's how it was. Anyway, he takes the antidote and the acromegaly and insanity disappear. The end.

The Monster Maker (1944) Horror, Sci-Fi, Psychotronic | Full Movie | Subtitled

Walmart is selling not one but TWO DVDs of The Monster Maker, one for fifteen and one for twenty bucks American. I find this incredible, as I got mine with FOUR OTHER movies (Lady Frankenstein, King of the Zombies, The Monster Maker, and Sisters of Death) at the Dollar General for like five bone. Also, since this article is called "Turkey Bowl," I guess I should probably have posted it three days ago, as a delectable Thanksgiving side dish. But, well, I didn't. So there.

L&N.