Suicide

I was sitting all alone, in the woods where I usually go when I don't want to deal with people. The flashback replaying in my head over and over again. I haven't heard from school or any of my friends since I went into the hospital. I've been out of school for three weeks now, because of my collar bone and my ribs. I didn't want to go back any way. They treat you differently than they were before you left. It would be embarrassing because I'm one of those girls that people don't really notice. Like if the teachers didn't know my name I could ditch school everyday and they wouldn't even notice. But this year my teachers decided to put me in the front of the classroom in all my classes. It was torture. I could hear the other kids ask and whisper to each other "Is she new?" Who is she?" "She looks weird" and more painful hurtful things like "She's ugly" or "She needs help." Which was true I did need help, but I didn't want other girls that I didn't know to tell me that.

I was at school for maybe a month before "it" happened. There was this party down the street from my house and my only friend wanted me to go. So I snuck out to go with her. It was boring to me but she seemed to have a lot of fun, she's a very outgoing person. I decided to go home around like twelve. When I got home my step dad was standing there like I was three hours late or something. "I left before curfew.." He didn't say anything, he just walked toward me and grabbed his bat and hit me in the face. I fell to floor and landed on my wrist, hence how I broke it. He hit me again and I heard something crack. He hit me two more times and then dragged me from the door way to the bottom of the stairs. After that my mom came in and screamed at him like he was about to shoot me, it felt like that. I tried to move but I couldn't, I felt like I been run over by a bus. I heard my mom and my step dad yelling and then I blacked out.

When I woke up my mom was standing by the hospital bed and asked me "What did you do?" I told her what happened, everything. The nurse came in and said I suffered brain trauma, a broken wrist, fractured collar bone and a rib and I had to get 38 stitched in my head. I was really sleepy so I didn't even feel the stitches. But because of how bad my break was they had to do surgery right then. So my wrist was in a blue cast, and in a sling because of my collar bone, and I had my right side bandaged up because of my ribs. They let me go home that night, but I was on bed rest for about a week. That was torture enough, my mom kept coming in my room every two hours to make sure I was okay. I was fine I just wanted to be alone and she didn't let me. After that terrible week I was finally off bed rest but I wasn't allowed to go back to school yet. My collar bone and rib still hurt and I could only lay on my back. But sometimes even that hurt.

While sitting in the woods, my cat came up and laid down by me. She wasn't really my cat but every time I came here she would come and sit with me. The more I came here, the more I thought about what happened and why I was still here. Yes I wanted to be here, I'm not suicidal. I was just confused, with how bad he beat me you would think I wouldn't survive, right? I looked up to they sky and realized it had starting to drizzle. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to leave my cat alone in the rain. I grabbed her and snuck her in my dress, hoping my mom won't see her. I came in the back door and basically ran to my room. When I got there I made a bed for her in my closet. I looked at her, she was hungry. I closed my door and slowly went down to the kitchen to see if we had anything for her. My mom came in and said "Hungry already?" I looked at her, scared, and said "Yea, you know me. Hungry all the time." I grabbed some lunch meat smiled and ran back to my room. I woke up the next morning and realized I fell asleep on my side. It didn't hurt but I wasn't supposed to. My cat was laying right by me. Like literally if she was any more close to me, she would be on my head. My mom had already gone to work so I thought to go out to the woods to see how muddy it was. I stood up using the wrist that I broke but I didn't have the cast on. And my collar bone didn't hurt like it did. I looked at my cat and she looked at me like she knew what had happened. I was so confused. I put on my favorite dress, put my hair up and went out to the woods. It wasn't that muddy but still muddy. I sat down where I usually do and instead of her sitting by me, she starting circling me. Like she was protecting me or something. I sat there and the flashback started to come back. But this time I could actually feel the pain and my heart racing. I stood up to run but fainted.

I couldn't tell if I was awake or not but I was in the woods and my cat was there. Dear god she needs a name. Hmm Isabella. So me and Isabella were walking around the woods trying to find the house. But all I saw were trees, trees, and more trees. It's like a place that I dream't of, a place that I could be me and no one would judge me. But the flashback came back. And this time it was like a 3D movie. I felt the pain felt the wind from the swing of the bat, all of it. I started to run. I didn't want to watch it or relive it again. I didn't know what was happening but I didn't like it. Isabella was running next to me like she wanted me to run. She started to go ahead of me so I'm guessing she wanted me to follow her. We came to some mental thing, hospital I'm guessing. I saw my step dad sitting in a chair, his hands were tied and he looked like he was about to murder someone. He looked up like he saw me and like a ghost from one of those scary movies came at me really fast. Isabella started running again. I could see her but I couldn't move to catch up with her.

Next I noticed I was in my room. I thought that it was all a dream, but then I realized it wasn't. I looked over to my bed and saw myself sitting there crying. I tried to remember why I was crying, but the memory wouldn't come back. I walked over to my bed to see if I could remember if I got closer. The closer I got, the more it hurt to walk. I finally reached my bed, Now I know why I couldn't remember that memory. There on my bed was myself, a blade, and bloody arms. I looked down at my dress and noticed the blood stains all over it. I couldn't understand what was happening, all I knew was that I had to leave this memory, and fast. I ran to my my door and tried to open it, but it was like someone was holding it from the other side. The scene changed and I was in a little room, more like a closet. I remembered this day, this time. I didn't want to relive all my nightmares but it felt like that was what was happening. I couldn't understand why this was happening. I tried to remember what started all this. "This didn't start happening until I brought Isabella inside" I whispered to myself. I stopped trying and sat down. I buried my face in my knees and cried. I felt like I was crying forever. I looked up and I was back in the woods. I stood up and walked around. I didn't know if I was still in wonderland, or nightmare land, or if I was back home. I looked to my right and saw my house. I was so happy I ran and almost tripped over Isabella. I looked at her and she had this sad face like she didn't want me to leave. I picked her up and inside in the house.

When I came in the house, there was a party. Of course there would be. I looked at everyone who didn't seem to notice me. I ran upstairs to get changed. When I got to my room I heard crying, which was strange. I walked in and my mom and her friend were sitting on my bed crying. I looked at the floor and saw my body, still cold, laying on the floor. I couldn't understand what happened. I don't remember dying or even thinking about it. But I saw a knife bloody and still in my chest. I didn't understand. "Did I?" I said to myself. I walked over and looked at my body still confused on when this happened. I put Isabella down and she ran to my bathroom. I watched her as she left and decided to follow her. I needed answers to why I did that. I wasn't even fully recovered from what happened and I killed myself. I was shocked but I followed Isabella. She jumped on the counter and started meowing. I pet her and looked at the mirror. I could see myself but I couldn't see Isabella. I looked down and she was looking at me. I looked back in the mirror but she didn't show up. I backed away and went back to my body. I looked for clues on why I would do this. I didn't have any friends so i never got texts. But I was okay with that. You most girls have like a lot of friends and don't want to be alone. I rather be alone and listen to music and read instead of hanging with friends. I mean I did have one but she stopped talking to me after what my step dad did.

I checked my phone anyway, 3 missed calls and 23 text messages. I was confused. Who would text me? I checked them anyway. They were from the people at my school saying "Get well soon" "Hope to see you back" and you know the painful one "I hope you die" "You deserved what he did" I throw my phone and ran out of my room. I ran downstairs and looked at all the people. "I'M STILL HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME! I'M STILL FUCKING HERE!" No one even payed attention to me. I started to run back into the woods. There standing was my "friend." You know the one that left me after what happened. She looked sad and like she's been crying. I walked up to her and said "Malory are you okay?" She looked up and started to scream. I looked behind me and I was like what the. She said "But you're dead.." I was shocked, "Wait you can see me?! And hear me!?" She nodded her head. "Malory thank God! I need your help. I don't know what happened or why I did that. You have to help me." She looked confused. "Wait you're telling me, you have no idea why you killed yourself.?" I almost yelled, "Yes Malory for the love of God help me!" I grabbed her hand and took her upstairs.

We went back to my room, thankfully my mom was still there. She looked up "Malory?" I looked at Mal, and back at my mom. "Tell her I'm still here and I can see her." Malory looked disgusted but she muttered looking at my body, "She's still here." She looked at my mom, "She can see you." My mom jumped up and ran to Mal and grabbed her. I let go of Mal as my mom almost smothered her. "What do you mean she's here!?" She looked scared. I tried to touch my mom but I went right through her. "Don't do it." Malory said looking at me. My mom looked at me or well where I standing. "Don't do what? Mal what are you talking about?" I looked at Malory, "Tell her I don't know why I did that." She looked at me then at my mom. "She said she doesn't know what she did that." My mom was confused. Mal pointed to my body. I saw Isabella run down the hallway. I chased after her hoping she would led me to some answers. She went into the other bathroom that we had. No one ever used it. I slowly went in there and found a blade. I picked it up and looked at her. She ran out and I saw her go back into my room. I didn't follow her. I stood there and thought. Maybe if I do it one more time I could get some answers. I put out my arm and did one swift motion. Blood was gushing out and I ran to my room to see if it did anything. There in my room standing was my own body with the knife still in my chest.

I took the blade once more to my arm. Again one swift motion. The body seemed to react to it. The body winced in pain and fell to the ground. It's like it was reenacting what had happened. I watched it I as tried understand. It didn't show why I did it but it showed how I did it and how much it hurt. I felt the pain in my chest as the body fell to the ground. I grasped for air but I couldn't. It's like it was killing me all over again. I tried to reassure myself and think about why I would do it. I couldn't think of anything that would make me do it. But then again I was being killed all over again. I stood up still holding my chest and looked at the body. It was laying the same position I found it in. I looked over to get Malory staring at me. I looked down and realized the cuts on my arms were gone then saw Isabella sitting by my feet. I thought to myself "Is she keeping me alive" But I still didn't know when this was or why I did it. It had to have been last night because I went to go get food for Isabella. I tried to think about what else happened that night.

My step dad came to the house with the police and begged to see me, my mom said no. I heard them yelling from downstairs. Wait, why am I remember all this now. I heard a gun shot and looked downstairs. The police had shot my step dad. I guess he laid hands on my mom I don't know. I was remembering all this so quickly but I didn't understand why. Apparently when your dead you don't know much of anything. Lets see what else. I still couldn't remember when I did it. Isabella was with me the whole time, or she is. I don't know if this cat is real or dead or what. I didn't what to think about her. I looked at her and I could see her but I don't know is anybody else could see her. I closed my eyes and begged that it was just a really bad dream. I opened my eyes and I was at some funeral.

I looked to see who was there. No one. No one was there. They were putting the coffin in the ground already. Maybe I was late. No Isabella wouldn't let me be late. If that is who is doing this. I started walking toward the coffin and it was me. I.. I thought I died last night. I didn't understand. If I didn't die last night then when did I. I looked at the tombstone. "Sierra Smith 1996-2010" I was confused. "But it's 2013.. How did I?" Obviously I didn't die. So what happened. I tried to understand. I thought long and hard. Maybe all this is a really messed up game and I'm not dead. Or maybe I relived what happened or what should have happened. Maybe my step dad did kill me. Well the girls that didn't like me got what they wanted. Me. Dead. I turned and started running I looked back and saw blackness. I started running faster and when face first into a tree. I woke up and I was in a hospital bed. 'I'M TIRED OF RUNNING JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED"

I yelled and everyone in the room looked at me in shock. "Sierra?" I looked over to my right. My mom was sitting there scared shitless from what I did just now. I was confused. "What happened? Where am I? You can see me? Am I dead?" I guess I was asking to many question to fast. My mom said "Calm down hunny. You're fine. You've been in a coma for months." I looked at her in shock. I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm not dead? Why was I in a coma?" My mom started laughing. "No you're not dead but you would have been if Malory didn't call the cops." I looked over a Mal who was holding Isabella. "Isabella!" I yelled. She looked at me like she could understand me. She jumped on the bed and started to pur. "Mal what happened?" I asked her still trying to get Isabella to lay down. "You seriously don't know what happened?" I shook my head. "Your step dad almost killed you. I came in just in time and called the cops." "Thank you Malory. I was having fucking crazy dreams in that coma. Like I died then I didn't. Then I did. And it was all really confusing but thank you." I smiled at her. "Okay lets let her get some sleep." Everyone left I kept Isabella. "Don't ever do that to me ever again. That was scary." I said to Isabella, she looked at me and laid and fell asleep as did I.