Stuck in Between

They say everyone prays before they die. Although, I never got the chance to, my last breath was taken from me before I knew what was even happening. I had been sick for the first weeks of snowfall. Days would go by and I wouldn’t wake up. All the days seemed to collide together during these dark times. I was getting thin, too thin to be healthy anymore. I could see my rib cage bones; they were sticking out farther than they usually would or even should. A week had gone by and my family had only seen me awake, maybe three times.

It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t leave my bed, I didn’t eat, or act like i was even alive, just slept. My father came into my room one morning and he could see my pale face which was usually golden and glowing. He knew something wasn’t right. His lanky arms took me out of bed. My body was limp, I could feel him struggling with my dead weight. I couldn’t help him out, all I could do was keep breathing. In and out.

My father packed me gently into the car and started driving down the snowy roads that were familiar to me, but all seemed like a blur at the time.

“What are your symptoms miss?” The pharmacy clinic doctor asked me.

I started to nod off. I was so dizzy; I could barely talk or hear her talking. It sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown talking to me.

“We need to get her— “. Those are the last words I had ever heard in my waking life.

The last thing I saw were the fluorescent lights of the pharmacy clinic. My eyes starting to roll in the back of my head. The life draining from my body. This is it I was slipping away fast. All I felt was pain. A burning pain. All I saw was black. The abyss of black. Am I dead now? I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I had so much left to learn and live. I had never had my first kiss, boyfriend, and I never really had a normal teen life.

I opened my eyes to see a melancholy world. There was nothing but grey. Grey dead grass, wilted flowers, withering trees, people crying and speaking so fast it sounded as if they were speaking in tongues. Where was I?

There was a woman, she was crying hysterically. A boy started walking towards her like he knew her.

“It’s time.” His small voice just made her cry louder, echoing into the gloomy world.

The skin of the woman started to change color. It was the first time I saw color in this world. Her skin was turning lime green, olive green, then army green. Scales started to form on her skin like boils, she was screaming in agony at this point. She was covering her face as if she was in shame. She uncovered her face and looked at me dead in the eyes. Her eyes were black and lifeless. As she was screaming, I could see her tongue, it was forked. Her body began to shrivel down to the ground, her snake-like body started to slither slowly over to me. The boy walked over, he grabbed her form and held it up to the sky.

The sky had a beam shining through, the beam of light lifted her body into the sky. What in the world did I just watch?

As I was watching the sky and the beam that suddenly disappeared. The boy had turned into a man. His back was to me. He looked very familiar. He looked younger than the last time I saw him. He turned towards me.

“Mija.” He said with a smile like he used to when I saw him.

It was my great uncle that I never got to say goodbye to. He always called me Mija. My eyes started to cloud up from my tears of joy. His arms swarmed me in a hug. I felt safe being in his arms once again. I suddenly didn’t feel lost anymore.

“Let’s walk, I’ll begin your journey. Do you know where you are?”

“I don’t know where I am, but I know I’m dead or dreaming.”

“I really wish you were dreaming. I really do.” His voice was low.

I looked down at the dead flowers at my feet. They were all my favorite flowers: Yellow daisies, sunflowers, and tulips. Now they are faded and dead. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay now, you are in a better place.”

We began to walk along the greyscale world. The trees were saturated and withering away. I lost everything. A tear began to roll down my cheek.

“Mija…” I looked at him with my tears rolling down.

“This isn’t a terrible place. After this journey, your soul can be at peace.”

“But what if I find no peace and I’m just stuck here. Stuck in this grey, dark, glumly world.” I said with anger in my voice.

“You’ll find peace, just follow me.”

He grabbed my hand and led me into a church with colored stained-glass windows.

There was no color just only in this one place. It was so bright; it was blinding in the church. The pews were filled with grey people. People like me.

“What is this place?” My voice was shaky.

“This, this is the place where we all come to reflect on who we were.”

We sat down in one of the empty pews.

“I think you should meet someone I’ve been helping for a couple years to come to terms with their passing.”

He takes my hand with one of his and with his other he taps the shoulder of the man in front of us. This man was a decent size. His shoulders were broad and big but, he was short by the looks of it. The man turned around, I knew him as well. He was my older cousin that was shot a few years back. He left behind a daughter and a wife. We were still grieving, long after he had passed.

“John Paul?” I asked.

“He’s been here for as long as he’s been gone from earth. Here he’s able to still see his family in their life and watch over them. Because after you leave here, you are unlikely to see your family anymore.”

“I’ve been watching them from here because I never got to say a proper goodbye to my family.” His solemn voice said quietly within the pews.

He looked down and his face lit up with a glow. I stood up and gazed over what he was looking at. It was a screen, at his feet. It was a screen that showed his wife and his little girl. He was watching over them.

“I watch them every day, so I know they are okay. I miss them both more than anything. I just can’t ever leave. I never want to leave because I’m not sure what will happen after, or if I’ll ever see them again.”

I looked at Vince, he nodded his head slowly. I sat back down in the pew.

“Can I see mine too?”

He pointed down. I looked down and saw a bright glow of light from the screen below me. It showed my mother and little sister and brother crying over a white casket. Everyone was dressed in long black clothes, huddled together over the casket. It was quiet. Then everything went black.

“What? What happened?”

“You haven’t seen your past, so you can’t continue to watch what’s happening right now. See, John Paul has already seen his past and his mistakes and strength he has—had.”

“Then let me see my past, I just want to know what is happening. “

He pointed down, we both watched. It was like a movie of things and moments I remember and those I don’t. It started with me, as a little girl. Playing on the playground.

“Do you want to play with me?” My small voice echoed. The other little girl there just looked at me with a funny look, looking me up and down, then walked away.

“Okay.” I could see my face sink down. I walked over to the swings. The empty swings. I swung alone that day at the playground. It started to fade out, and then it turned to when I was a little older. It looked as if I was about ten

It was my first day at my new school. I had my hair cut short with new bangs. A boy walked up to me while I was walking out to recess.

“Why do you look like Dora? Are you Dora? What’s up with your unibrow?” His snide comments passed me.

I walked out to the playground he was there, following me. Asking his questions. Following me everywhere I went. I headed to the swings, sat down on the lonesome swing. Swung.

It faded out again. I looked at Vince.

“Why is this so painful to watch?” A tear rolled down.

“Just keep watching, these few minutes of pain will tell you all you need to know about yourself and what you’ll become.”

He turned my head to continue facing the screen. It moved to when I was in middle school. I remember this too. This is one of my most painful memories. I was at my locker, getting books for my next class. A blonde girl walked up behind me, slammed my locker and then slammed me into it.

“Why are your eyes so big? What is your forehead so large? Why are you so fat? No guy will ever go for you so stop trying.”

I said nothing, just looked down as a sign of acceptance of her words. She laughed at me and left. It faded out again. All I then heard was yelling.

“Then leave if you don’t want to be here!” I could hear my Mother’s voice holler and doors slamming.

I was sitting in my room with my little sister. I was 13 at the time, she was much younger.

“Maybe we should watch some TV. Block out the noise.”

We turned to the TV. I could still hear their hollering and door slamming. I moved her closer to me, holding her tight. Making sure she knew I was there. I grabbed the remote and turned up the TV. It faded out again.

Then it turned to later that year, before my 14th birthday. It was of me, looking down at my phone. My father’s number was dialed.

“He’s not going to answer baby.” My mom’s voice spoke from behind me.

She was right, he never answers unless he wants to be around. It’s always been the same. It won’t change. I backspaced the number. Shut off my phone. The glowing screen turned black. I could see my reflection on the floor. A tear rolled down.

“Is this pain almost over? I don’t know how much longer I can take watching this life. “

He nodded his head. “Last one.”

I looked back at the floor. The screen faded in, it was of me, sitting at the lunch table. Alone. Kids sat next to me but didn’t ever talk to me. I looked at my phone, it was a picture of my friend, used to be friend. It was of her and the blonde girl. The caption read:

“I’m so glad she’s my best friend, no one is better or could replace her. “

I put down my phone and continued to eat. Alone. The floor went black.

I looked up at Vince.

“What have you learned?” He looked down at me.

“I learned that I have a terribly tragic life.”

“No, that wasn’t it.” He shook his head.

“Then what is it, because none of it made sense, was i supposed to learn something else.” I said angrily.

“All those parts show that you have thick skin. Even though people shot you with their words and actions. You never treated someone that way, or let it hurt you as much as it would’ve hurt someone else.” his voice was low but powerful.

“So, what now? What happens to me? I don’t want to stay here and watch my family suffer. I want to move on. “

“Let’s go outside.” He stood up and held out his hand.

I took his hand and followed him out of the pews and out the church doors. We were back in the dark and grey world.

“Mija, you watched the moments of your life that meant the most in the afterlife. In this life, we turn into animals that reflect us in the previous life.”

“So, what am I?”

He smiled, “Since your thick skin was your armor, it still will be in your next life as a pangolin. “

Pangolins have thick scales that keep them from harmful surrounding.

“Now this next thing might hurt, it might hurt a lot actually. Soon after you will be out of pain and into your new form and life.”

My body started to feel tingly and weird. My skin started to turn a dark brown and started to get the texture of scales. My whole body started to shrink down to the ground. My nose started to get longer, and my eyes got smaller. It doesn’t hurt though. I felt good about this, it is time to start over. I got smaller and smaller. I tilted my head up to look up at Vince. He smiled at me.

He lifted me up to his chest. He looked deep into my eyes.

“Now Mija, you’ll be okay. No need to be scared or to worry. Everything in your past life will help you in this new life. Just… be safe and be true to you. “

He lifted me up to the sky. Just as the boy did with the snake woman. A beam of sunshine shown down on me. I began to levitate into the sun beam. I looked down one last time at him.

“Thank you.” I thought.

I closed my eyes. Flashes of memories that looked like an old slideshow movie flashed through my head.

Flashes of playing with my aunt’s dog Oso and seeing her smile and hearing her laugh echo.

My mom wrapping me in her arms and my dad snuggling in close to us.

Seeing and holding my newborn sister and seeing the world in her eyes.

Flashes of my grandpa putting a camera in my face while I make a silly face. Hearing him laugh and seeing his smile.

Walking down the aisle of my aunts wedding seeing all the smiling faces looking at me.

Walking into my Uncle Vince’s house and smelling the enchiladas and seeing his smile and arms reaching out to me in a hug.

Then it faded out again.

“I love you Mija, good luck.” He waved at me.

I closed my eyes again. I felt the warm sunlight bringing me to my new home. Then, it stopped, it all turned black. I began to feel a burning sensation on my back. I opened my little bright eyes to see I was in a pile of animals that looked exactly like me. I looked up and saw a cactus with a bright yellow flower. Everything is okay.