Rules for Watching Chloe and Freyja

Hello! Thank you so much for watching the girls tonight. I’m not sure if you’re planning on having a kid or two of your own someday, but if you are you’ll understand why this night out is so desperately needed for me!

And yes, Freyja is the cat. I’m sure you noticed her when you came to visit the house yesterday. Forgive me, she’s *Chloe’s* cat, I should say. She started out as the family cat but that didn’t last very long. I know it sounded like I was looking for someone to watch two kids, but they’re always together, you’d think Freyja is her twin in a different body. Hah. Anyway, here’s that rule list I meant to send you earlier.

RULE 1:

There will be several necklaces hung on the coat hanger when you first walk into the house. You will notice each one has a different holy symbol. I do not know which religion you practice, nor do I think it is appropriate to have that discussion, but I did my best to get one from as many religions as I could. Please take the one that calls to you. *DO NOT GO FURTHER WITHOUT ONE.*

RULE 2:

Chloe gets fed three times a day. Her meals have already been prepared and are in the fridge, top shelf. Feed her precisely at 11:11 am, 2:22 pm, and 5:55 pm. If she asks for a snack, you may give her one, but only if the numbers on the clock repeat (like her mealtimes). Everything she can have is on the top shelf. Do not give her anything from the other shelves.

RULE 3:

You may help yourself to anything on any shelf in the fridge that isn’t the top shelf! The pantry is available to you too, shelves do not matter there. Though, I would not access the pantry unless you are desperate. The coldness of the fridge keeps the impurities away.

RULE 4:

Chloe and Freyja are inseparable. If Freyja strays from Chloe, stay with Chloe. She senses something that shouldn’t be there. This has only happened three times, it likely will not happen tonight.

RULE 5:

Freyja is deaf, she doesn’t know how loud she is when she meows. If she does end up straying from Chloe and you hear her give a low and quiet meow, grab Chloe and run out of the house. Do not try to take Freyja with you, no matter how much Chloe screams for her. It is better she drowns out whatever cryptic cries you may hear. Freyja will be fine.

RULE 5a:

If, when you re-enter, Freyja has discoloration in her fur, give her a pat on the head and thank her for protecting the house. She will then clean herself.

RULE 5b:

If you end up giving in and taking Freyja with you, call our priest. His phone number is on the door of the fridge. Make a note of this number when you arrive just in case.

RULE 6:

You may take Chloe to play on the patio if the weather is nice, which it should be! She loves the sun, as does Freyja. She will often sleep in sunny patches. This does not count as her straying from Chloe, but be wary, because there have been numerous times where other animals have approached Chloe while Freyja sleeps. They are not friendly. Please scare them away.

RULE 6a:

If the above situation happens and you see a black mange-ridden dog approaching, take the shotgun by the back door and shoot it. Aim for the eyes. This will not kill it, but it will buy you enough time to get yourself and Chloe back in the house. Freyja will be fine.

RULE 7:

Freyja is a white cat, which I’m sure you’ve been able to notice by now. There are no other animals in the house apart from her. If you see another animal in the house, take Chloe and leave immediately, and do not re-enter the house until the numbers on the clock are all the same. Freyja will be fine.

RULE 7a:

If, when you re-enter, Freyja has discoloration in her fur, give her a pat on the head and thank her for protecting the house. She will then clean herself.

RULE 8:

Put Chloe to sleep at 11:11 pm. Freyja will follow, she will sleep with her. This is okay, please do not try to move her.

RULE 9:

After Chloe is asleep, you may do whatever you wish. Please do your best to stay quiet. I know the silence in the house is overwhelming, deafening even, but it’s for the best.

RULE 10:

Throughout the day, if you must turn on the TV or the radio, please keep the volume at 11. No higher, no lower.

RULE 11:

Never ever let Chloe out of your sight, even for a second. Please, in the name of all that is good, never ever let her out of your sight.