Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'X' 2022
When you wanna make a prono AND a horror.
You know, it would have been totally appropriate to have the acting in this movie only be good enough for porno. I know they were going for serious, but that's not the only direction they could have taken this. I mean, this movie basically is a single X porno with horror in it. But hey, some of the best USA Up all Night horror movies were basically single X pornos. They could have easily leaned into that.
But that's not the tone they went for and what we get feels a lot more like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). The acting is better than you'd expect for horror. The tone is deadly serious, and it even comes with a storyline and plot with some depth to it. I'm frankly impressed with what I got, considering what I was expecting. I'm frankly not a huge fan of the slasher Genre, because everything has been pretty boring since the classics dropped in the 80's. There's nothing new and nowhere to go with the concept. I mean Terrifier (2016) brought something new to the table but even it was just rehashing the classics in the best way it could.
But what made this generic slasher SOOOOO fucking good was the story behind it. This would eventually spawn the movie Pearl (2022). The story is so gripping it actually really connects you to the murder. It's kinda fucking beautiful in a way. Each death really means something. Except one, which I'll talk about later in the spoilers.
Sure this movie wasn't perfect. It basically failed my 30 minute rule. Yeah things are always sorta happening- the old lady is always creeping in the background, there's a ton of foreshadowing, there's this scene with an alligator and you just KNOW someone is gonna end up alligator food. The only problem is the murder doesn't start happening right up until just shy the one-hour mark. An hour is a long time to have to wait for murder. Yeah, the last thirty minutes are brutal, but fuck sake pick up the pace a little. There's also a ton of stuff that was kind of forced that I can't get into until the spoilers. Needless to say, they spoon-feed the villain a little.
That being said, the movie is still solid. It got everything right in the slasher genre and spiked it with good gore and story. It's really only gonna be good for Horror Heads with an appreciation for slashers, but I absolutely would recommend it to anyone.
Why the fuck did Maxine just wander into Pearl's house to begin with? That's what initially sets off Pearl but there was basically no reason for it. Sure, I get that they have to set off Pearl somehow, but there was absolutely no goddamn good reason for Maxine to just wander in like that.
Why the flying fuck did Loraine freak out on Maxine like this was somehow all her fault? I mean, I get it, she's frantic, she's hurt, scared as hell I'm sure, but then she would likely be elated to see Maxine. Maxine basically just saved her fucking life from a couple murderous octogenarians. She'd be more likely to offer her a life debt than freak out on her. And it's not like we couldn't have gotten her killed the exact same way, but having her run into certain doom seemed forced.
Does it really make sense for Howard and Pearl to fuck mid rampage? I know we're just doing it for the gross-out factor but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Howard is a clever man, even Pearl isn't that far gone, why would they fuck when they'd know they'd have to finish the group. I mean, weren't they concerned the kids would get away?
Not to mention, Howard's heart attack was way too convenient not to feel like Deus Ex Machina.
But for the most part, the movie was pretty good. It was smart, it didn't shy away from the gore, and it was way better than expected. Plus there were lots of titties. Give it a shot.
About the Creator
I'm the foulmouthed horror movie critic. I post new reviews every Sunday, so stay tuned =D
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