Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'House of Last Things' (2013)

Let's talk about how you definitely don't fucking start a movie... golf in slow motion. Why THE FUCK on God's green Earth would you intentionally want to make the most boring sport in the world even more boring by playing it in slow motion?! Who fucking thought that was a brilliant opener?! Better watch out for that eighth hole, that eighth hole is fucking cursed... REALLY?! I have no fucking clue what they were trying to accomplish with golf in slow motion. I'm thinking about naming retarded openings "Golf In Slow Motion" and adding it to the Mental Vomit list. That's how fucking dumb the opening to this movie was. It deserves its own category of bad plot devices. Even the fucking mayonnaise on white bread people who some-fucking-how convince themselves that they actually like watching golf, probably wouldn't watch it in slow motion.

But you know what the worst part about it is? That opening is a metaphor for the rest of the fucking movie. This movie didn't fail my 30 Minute Rule, but I dropped out at 40 minutes. Why? Because, even though stuff was happening, NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!! It was golf in slow motion. Yes, TECHNICALLY shit happens during a game of golf. Yeah, there's a ton of fucking skill. Yes, I'm sure a keen eye can pick out the subtleties, but you know what? At the end of the day, it’s still a bunch of old white guys in shorts wandering around an open field. It's free range Alzheimers. So, like golf, shit was happening, it likely had something to do with the plot, and I bet the writer/director thought they were so fucking clever, BUT IT'S JUST SO GOD DAMN BORING!!! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE!!!

You know what also killed this movie besides the almost "Not Another Teen Movie" cast of tropes? The fact that it had the same atmosphere as Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark? Fuck, Are You Afraid of the Dark? was darker and scarier than this movie. I mean, I kinda get that the almost cartoon-ish feel of the setting and design was intentional, maybe to make it seem more surreal, or drug-idled, but it's just the movie was already so fucking boring and now it's impossible to take seriously.

SPOILERS!!!

I wish they would make up their mind about the female lead. Either she's a strong independent woman who doesn't put up with shit from her asshole boyfriend or she's a gutter skank who can be talked into pretty much anything so long as he provides a proper dicking. I mean, she throws him out of the house she's watching because he walked through it with his shoes on, but when he kidnaps a little boy, well jeez, after a good fucking, maybe it's not such a bad idea. What? Excuse me? Look, I get it, the trope she fits into means she'll tolerate her shithead boyfriend being a total asshat as long as, ultimately, she thinks she's in control of the situation. But what’s portrayed goes well fucking beyond that. One moment she's freaking out at him for kidnapping a child, the next he pulls out his penis and the argument is effectively over. Fuck, I wish my penis worked like that. Just walk into the congress of these United States of America, drop trow, present arms, and get some fucking work done.

This movie almost seems like it was written by a member of INCEL. A married couple whose relationship is definitely on the rocks. He's given up, she's taken to pills. A "doesn't put up with shit," hard ass girl, who likes dating rebels from the wrong side of the tracks. She's a "slut" who really just gets taken advantage of by guys. She looks after her mentally ill brother, can't stand her parents (probably hasn't seen them in years), and her boyfriend is a total loser. I mean, no wonder it comes off as something you would see on Nickelodeon, this is kiddy shit of writing. If it wasn't for the PG-13 sex scenes, you could play this on Nick.

But there was something with a yellow balloon, something about the married couple being connected to the house sitter and her boyfriend (other than the fact that the house sitter and the husband were apparently fucking), and the little boy they kidnap is not just a little boy, but apparently the neighborhood used to be a golf course and this has something to do with the eighth hole. I don't fucking know, this damn movie was all over the place. Yeah, shit happened, but shit happens when I do my taxes, doesn't mean I'm going to make a movie out of it.

In short, fuck this movie...