Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Guns Akimbo' (2019)

On the surface, this movie sounded like a blast. Some random shmuck gets two guns bolted to his hands and is forced to take place in an illegal city-wide man-hunt that is streamed live on the web. That just sounds fucking fantastic, but it was genuinely kinda boring and a little forced. Movies like this come from a long line of ultraviolent action movies that are so nuts they're a wild ride. Hardcore Henry (2015), Smoking Aces (2006), Hell Fire (2015); action with a bizzaro feel that makes them closer to movies like John Dies at the End (2012). We're not talking about cinema gold, we're talking about movies that are violent for the sake of being violent. So if you fuck up a plot that simple, it's pretty bad.

The people, like me, who watch these movies are expecting a fever dream of violence and mayhem. Sure, this movie started out that way (save for a couple obnoxiously forced scenes) but pretty much after Radcliff's character meets this bum, it's all downhill from there. It needed to simply go bananas from that point forward but just never does.

Maybe there just wasn't enough meat on the bones for what sounded like a stellar idea on the surface. I mean, once the main character goes through the struggle of not having the use of his hands, and once he accepts the insanity of the situation he's in, there's not too many places left to go. Maybe it was only 45 minutes of good action-packed mayhem and should have been a short. What more do you do with the bit than what they did in the movie in the first 45 minutes.

Maybe they didn't lean into it hard enough. The whole point of this movie is that some average shmuck has no choice but to be an action hero. At some point, it seems like the movie just flat-out forgets that, then all the sudden Radcliffe's character becomes a badass. Maybe instead, what they should have done is make him even more useless at the last 45 minutes of the movie, begging and pleading his life to Nix (played by Samara Weaving), getting dragged about by the nose through bloody violence, discharging rounds carelessly into the air until he's down to his last two. Maybe then it wouldn't have felt like they just ran out of ideas.

A lot of this movie felt like dragging the plot kicking and screaming and it has everything to do with the last half of the movie. But then, also with scenes where he inexplicably hams up explaining his situation to his love interest. I get that he's supposed to be frantic and desperate, but he's not a complete fucking idiot.

Everything else is right. It's gritty, and proper violent, with silly, even surreal circumstances. The effects are right, the setting is perfect, it's just the plot that seems to lose steam. It's kinda like my review of Mandy (2018). A chainsaw fight scene actually seems pretty weak after the first part of the movie. Guns Akimbo seems like it deescalates, which is a death sentence to an action movie. If you think you're going hard at the beginning of the movie, you HAVE to go harder! Push the limits. Push the boundaries. Push reality!

I don't want to discourage the concept. Like I said, on the surface, it's a brilliant idea, but the delivery just doesn't get there.

SPOILERS!!!

I don't care how surreal this movie's plot is, absolutely no one would try to talk to the cops with two guns bolted to their hands. I don't care how fucking desperate you are, no one is that dumb. That's literally just asking to get shot.

And WHY the flying fuck doesn't he explain to his girlfriend his situation before she pepper sprays him. The outcome might still have been the same but the scene wouldn't have felt so forced. He literally avoids talking about it until he's forced, which is just fucking dumb. The first words out of my mouth would have been an explanation. And it wouldn't have to change anything about the scene. He still would have seemed nutz and unhinged, and she still could pepper spray him to advance the plot, but FUCK SAKES, the whole scene was an obnoxious mess.

And WHY the flying FUCK does he somehow become The Last Action Hero (1993) at the end of the movie?!?! There is absolutely NO lead up to it. He NEVER learns how to shoot. He NEVER progresses as an action hero. I mean, couldn't you have thrown in a montage or something? That would have been hilarious. What action movie doesn't have a montage?

Anyway, if any of that sounds like it would piss you off, definitely do not watch this.