'Old' Review—Hilariously Bad Horror

M. Night Shyamalan. The man, the myth, the legend. The visionary who brought us films like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable many moons ago has a brand new horror flick in theaters, and there is a lot to say about it.

Old is a science fiction horror film about a group of people who go to a beach where they find that time is suddenly moving differently. Everyone on the beach begins to age rapidly, and they must find a way to escape the beach and figure out how this is happening.

The best word to describe Shyamalan’s career is “tumultuous.” He began his career with a few hits, but as his career progressed, he started giving us films like The Last Airbender, The Happening, and After Earth. Shyamalan had a bit of a resurgence with The Visit and Split, but it looks like we’re back at square one…or two, to be exact.

What the hell was this? I cannot for the life of me tell you if Shyamalan was trying to make a good horror movie or if he wanted to parody the genre. This is The Happening all over again. I was in so much shock by the time the credits rolled.

Okay, let me explain what happened during this movie: I watched this film with a friend today, and about 40 minutes into the film, the couple sitting in our row got their things, stood up, and left. They did not come back. I did not blame them. As a matter of fact, I envied them.

Nothing much happens in the opening act. This movie spends the first thirty minutes or so with a family that visits the beach. We get hints of something more personal with them, as all Shyamalan films spend some time on characters. However, you can immediately tell something is very wrong, not just within the story but with the filmmaking.

First, let’s talk about the performances. To put it kindly, they are less than stellar. The family in this movie actually has no chemistry as a family. They feel like a bunch of actors assembled to look like a family, and there wasn’t much believable about their relationships.

At times, it can feel like the actors were given no direction, giving performances that are a bit too self-serious and inauthentic. The actors aren’t assisted by Shyamalan’s writing and directing, which has been excellent in the past but comes off as off-kilter in this film.

The dialogue can be terrible. As in, genuinely horrible. Characters say things in this movie that are unintentionally funny, and the son, Trent, asks people their names and occupation. Honestly, I think he only has this character trait so that the people in this movie can give exposition about themselves in an easy way.

Sometimes, the dialogue can be so on-the-nose that it just doesn’t feel organic. Whenever characters stand around and try to figure out what is going on, they hypothesize so accurately and take such large logical leaps that it just feels like they’re verbalizing everything Shyamalan had in mind while writing the script.

We also have such a strangely structured story. The movie feels like an endless series of insane events surrounding a premise rather than a story with actual progression. For example, there’s a scene surrounding a tumor and another scene surrounding pregnancy. Once the scenes end, they are never referenced again, and they honestly felt like they didn’t matter.

The insane events are supposed to be horrifying and unsettling. However, they’re so ridiculous that everything ends up coming off as comical. We have dialogue and ideas that are so horrific that the film becomes laugh-out-loud funny on multiple occasions.

Now, let’s talk about the classic Shyamalan twist. With The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan crafted one of the best plot twists in cinematic history. He now has a reputation for being the guy who writes plot twists. Unfortunately, the twist in this film is nowhere near that level. The story didn’t build up to it, and it felt quite underwhelming.

I have to ask again—what the hell happened here? We know Shyamalan loves movies and is capable of making great things. His career was on an upward trajectory, and this movie completely failed. What’s more upsetting is the potential this movie had.

Time is one of those concepts that can be explored very well in film. This movie could have raised interesting questions about humanity and our fear of losing time and memories. But everything about this movie is so surface level that while the concept is good, Shyamalan butchers the execution.

Normally, I don’t encourage drinking, but this is the type of movie where you’ll need a couple of shots to enjoy it. Whether it’s the atrocious line delivery or the bonkers ideas, you’ll find something to laugh at with this hilariously bad horror movie.

Grade: ✬☆☆☆☆ [1/10, F]

Jonathan’s Tips: If you’re in the right mood at the right time, turn this movie on with your friends and laugh. Get a little tipsy if you want. It’s a so-bad-it’s-good movie with nothing going for it.

Old is now playing in theaters.