Not For Me

She woke up wanting to scream but nothing came out besides the feeling of exhaustion. This wasn't the first time she encountered a black demon-like person trying to have sex with her in her dream. She never experienced sex with a man, only a woman. So, she didn't understand why she would experience such anguishingly demonic dreams of sex. It was as if she was mad at herself for not sleeping with a man or something was.

She ignored it the first time, but the next three times she decided to tell her therapist.

"The demon wasn't scary looking but he was aggressive and very black" as she went on explaining to her therapist after a week of having the same lucid demonizing dream. "Do you think having sex with a man is bad?" the therapist asked. "No, just not something I'm sure I don't know. You can say I'm confused about my sexuality. I feel afraid of it,"she said. "Are you into men?" asked the therapist. "I don't know, I use to date them. I didn't mind it. I also wasn't the most found of it either," she said. "Did you enjoy sleeping with a woman?" asked the therapist. "Not necessarily, it felt forced. But I did feel love for the woman as a person," she explained.

There was something about the conversation that got heavy for her. She didn't know that perhaps she wasn't gay. That was something she began to realize while fidgeting in her chair. "Sounds to me like you have a lot of fear around sex," said the therapist. "So, its not a demon following me?" she asked. "In my psychological opinion, it is your biggest fear, sexual actions, that is represented in your dreams by a demon-like figure. It's something you should look into if it bothers you that much. Really think about who you are and try to understand yourself." she explained. "Do you believe in demons?" asked the therapist. "I've heard of them from going to church when I was young and the devil and all that," she said. "Do you still go?" she siad. "No, I begin to feel afraid there as well," said the girl. "I think there are deeper things then demons trying to attack us" said the girl. "What do you mean?" said the therapist.

"What do you believe in?" said the therapist. "I've never been asked this. Just been told what to believe. I've always felt there was so much more to it. I believe that our struggles are demonized because of the way people look at sin," said the girl. "You think that's the issue here?" said the therapist. "For me I just can't wrap my mind around all-loving God who only produces good to allow the devil to exist. Or sin to take place in this world. I think its all in our heads. I think we created it. I think man made a mistake in creating it. I think that evil is what you make it. I think good is what you want it to be as well. I think that evil only exist cause a book tells us it does." She looked around the room and starts staring at the bible quote on the wall scared of what she just said. The therapist dismisses her.