Little Bowser

Ohmigod! You just have to hear all about the strange dream I had last night! No, really, it was so gross.

I was driving through this place that looked like a desert; but, it wasn't really a desert; it looked like some housing addition that was set up out on the edge of a desert land. Or maybe some place in Nevada. Ground was all hardscrabble and rock; the roads were torn up with potholes pretty bad.

It was in some foreign land. Don't know where exactly. And these kids came out...and right away I make that many of them are leading animals around on leashes. Little puppies, I think.

Then I slow down, sort of pull over and do a double-take.

"Oh no!" I say to myself. "Those aren't puppy dogs..."

I feel my gorge rise. Because, those aren't puppies, baby, that those kids are leading around. They're giant, hairy, hungry RATS.

So I was suddenly scared. I've seen that movie Food of the Gods, or whatever, about the giant rats. Those damn things eat nuclear waste, right? Grow to tremendous size. Hey, it could happen. In the slums of some cities they've been known to EAT HUMAN BABIES.

I hate 'em. I just...hate 'em.

Y'know, I once saw this special about a temple in India where there are thousands of rats, and the priests feed them and live with them because they think they are an image of a goddess. And, also, this whole thing reminds me of this story I heard from my roommate's doctor's chiropractor's dental assistant's babysitter, who heard it first hand from Dabney who works down at the Quick Stop. So, yeah, an unimpeachable source.

Apparently, this old rich bag went to some exotic destination to spend her money and lounge around on the beach. Maybe she thought the sunshine would add a few more years. Don't know. But, anyway, so she's at this cafe, and this ugly little dog comes up to her, some little furry guttersnipe, and she begins to feed it; and after awhile, it's eating out of her hand, you understand?

So she falls in love with the damn thing, and decides to take it back to the hotel. Well, a few days later, it's time for her to catch her flight home, but, she can't leave the pooch behind; she's just in love with the damn thing, you understand. So, crazily, she decides to try and smuggle the thing (which she notes is oddly quiet for a puppy dog) aboard the plane!

I don't know how she did it. I really don't. But, she manages to get that thing back Stateside. So she gets the thing back to her huge, expensive house or whatever, and lets it roam free. But, she ends up getting concerned, because the thing is puking, and popping boils in the places where it's losing its fur. And, it doesn't smell like a rose anymore, either.

So she gets it to the vet. The vet takes one look at it, panics, near loses his lunch and asks, frantic, "Lady! You got to tell me: has that thing ever scratched or bit you since you've had it?"

The old bag answered in the negative.

"Why, little Bowser? Oh my, you must be joking! Why, he's as gentle as a kitten. Why, he's the most gentle dog I've ever owned."

By now, "Little Bowser" was a reeking, greasy blob of dripping, oozing fur and drool crawling across the clinic floor.

The veterinarian said, incredulous, "Dog? Lady, now I think YOU are the one who is joking! Lady, that's no dog you've got there. It's a giant sewer rat! And it seems to be infected by some new, virulent strain of DEADLY PLAUGE."

They say she and the doctor were both in quarantine for six months afterward.

True story. Swear it. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'.