Flow

She's so lucky, she's a star

But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking

If there's nothing missing in my life

Then why do these tears come at night?

I am so lucky. Then why do I cry at night when my head hits the pillow and i once again dream of that blocky kids tv show atmosphere. It was a show called Flow that was supposed to compete with the 90s kids show Zoom. It was a show where kids played and made crafts. There were games that were ideas given to them by the directors or sent in by viewers.

We played games just like them, but these games I played were just plain wrong and I had no idea. There was a reason the show never came to air and the show runners disappeared just for me to never become the child star I felt I was meant to always be. On the show it was me and another girl named Rachel. Then there was Brodie, Chuck, and Lendon.

The games started out cute and innocent like building a blanket fort, until we were told to perform with the boys under the fort. Then playing with blocks turning to being told to put them in places we didn’t want them to go. I always thought it was strange how much time on that show Rachel and I spent half undressed. The filming ends and those who had the tapes of us went off with what was basically child porn games.

I tried to tell myself the nightmares weren’t true, but something about it was too real. I knew I had a past in the entertainment industry that didn’t work out, and that sometimes I was sexualized, but did something that horrific really happen and if so, who was Rachel? I tried to really think into the dream to find out if Rachel was real. I kept looking into the dream for answers and finally got a last name.

I searched for her and she was found on Facebook. I reached out and we came to one another to catch up. I talked about Flow and she said it actually happened and she remembered the fun of the games. The crafts and playing with foods. I asked her if she remembered it as strangely as I did. She shook her head awkwardly and swallowed hard. She told me she didn't and that it was just a disappoint it didn’t get to air.

After our meeting, I had hoped to stay in touch with her, but she blocked me. It left more questions for me and I looked into who else might know Rachel. I tried to reach out to a mutual friend of hers to ask more questions. Her mutual friend named Kate told me that she was engaged to get married to a boy named Brodie. I thought about how that was like the name of one of the boys from the show who touched on us and helped us shove objects into ourselves.

She was covering up for him? Where did our tapes even go? We’re they sold somewhere and was Rachel and Brodie into something they shouldn’t be into like telling people they have an acting gig but it is actually a porn trap? I tried to find Rachel again and followed her to a grocery store.

She was angry that I had followed her, but I needed an explanation for why. She started to explain that she felt trapped to Brodie and she had to do what he said or else. Or else what? Too late though. I had woken up again from the ever extending nightmare. I decided to look up Rachel for real this time.