Eating my experiences (21)

TOME 22

We finished taking inventory for the day and lay on our freshly dried blankets in a heap of human flesh. We felt safe for the first time since Zach was stolen, a welcomed solace. We laughed and smoked and drank fresh water from the river. We found a decent stock of wine in the basement, but chose to avoid it for the day, allowing ourselves to get acquainted with our surrounding first. We found the toilet does flush, but only one of them, the very upstairs bathroom. The hot water didn't work, but the electric stove did, so we could take hot baths, but not showers, a luxury I had imagined long gone.

I drifted to sleep with my hand in Lilly's soft hair and into a fitful sleep filled with taunting horrors of the days past. I dreamed of the hate filled speeches of my mother and her husband, of the abuse and the molestation of my youth. I dreamed of zombies and death of my loved ones, only to wake to Lilly gently petting my hair away from my sweat drenched forehead with a meek smile. "You're okay, sweet pea" she cooed at me in a lulling tone. Allowing myself to gasp for a moment, I slowly do calm, pulling her body down to mine, allowing her body to rest next to mine, nestled into my arms.

I felt a sense of safety in her embrace I hadn't felt in years, a guilty safety as though I was undeserving of such attention, I ignored it, only to find it gnawing at the back of my mind. I closed my eyes and sunk into her as I drifted off once more. I dreamt once more of my mother, but why now, do I have to be reminded of her repeatedly. I woke alone in the house and decided to go up to read one of the many books in the library here, a small room coated in row upon row of shelves decked with books.

I read for what felt like an eternity only to find my friends still asleep in the haze of the early morning. I knew they needed sleep and sat by the river for some time before Alex came out. "You sure have taken a likin to Lilly, I'm happy to see you move on, but do be careful...no matter how safe we may feel, we aren't safe." He was right, but the sentiment made my frown anyway. I did not want to hear of logic at this moment, or really any moment when it comes to Lilly, she had rapidly become my world.

"I know" I murmured begrudgingly, looking at my feet, soaking the the gentle flow of the river as it wafted over my feet as if they were stones. "I don't feel good, like I've been thinking of my mom again, and I don't want to. She hurt me too badly and I can't do this off my meds" I realized that I saw gently crying, my vison faded to near black.

Alex extended his arm to encase me in his grasp before whispering, "I know, but whenever we just push that away to try to forget it just gets worse." His embrace tightens as my tears flow freely to splash into my knees.

"I just want to forget it forever, why did she do that to me, I was just a child," I wailed loudly now, for all to hear, I had been broken by my memories so many times before, and here we were again, the cycle of rebirth. The cycle of destruction. Each time we started the cycle again, I risked losing myself completely within the new personality the trauma would shape for me.

TO BE CONTINUED....