Anathema

Veracity

Wake up Slim

The haze lifted from behind my eyes as the reality of my surroundings came rushing in. We were in a train car. About the size of a bedroom with yellow and white benches lining the wall. By we there were five of us that I could count.

A girl with big brown doe eyes, a big burly man with cold blue eyes filled with steel and panic, and a golden eyed boy who sat on the bench in front of me, snuggled up under a middle aged woman. She was knitting silently. Oblivious to the situation around her.

Outside the window of the train car the train was barreling forward. I mean this thing was going fast, so fast I couldn't make out the scenery outside, just streaks of white and gray as we zipped along.

“Hey kid you ok?” The doe eyed girl was looking at me in concern

“Hey what's your name ?”

What's your name slim?

“Wait, what?”

She gave a small smile. “Your name, kid. What's your name?”

It finally set in. The panic in the big guy's eyes made sense. I didn't know how the fuck I got on this train. I had no, and I mean no clue who the hell I was.

Debrief

“Ok ok wait, now say that again”

“Bro are you really this dense.” Rocko (the big guy) snapped at me.

We were all sitting down now. Me and the girl who I now know was named Tausha sitting on one side of the car. Rocko, the boy named Jason and his mother sitting on the other.

Not bothering to hide his frustration Rocko explained, in a rather cliff notes version, how he ended up on the train.

“It's simple. WE” he pointed at the girl, himself, and the boy and his mother “We got on this train. All of us. Then all of a sudden we go through this dark ass tunnel, everything goes black and boom we wake up here. Trapped in this train car.

My brow furrowed

“But wait, that doesn't make sense. I can't remember my name or even getting on this train in the first place but you can?”

“That's the point I'm trying to make dip shit.” He looked me dead in the eyes “ You see, I remember us getting on the train. I specifically remember that one fact. But you” he jabbed his finger at me “you weren’t on the train with us. You didn't appear until after we’d blacked out. You wanna try explaining that shit.”

Well he had me there. All I could do was shrug my shoulders sheepishly. Rocko's face turned red and he began to get up out of his seat.

“Wait” Tausha jumped in, putting an outstretched hand between us.

“ You didn't tell him everything” she looked at rocko pointedly.

She turned her attention back to me. Her eyes got distant..

“I…..well we” she looked around at the others. “We can all remember our names and getting on the train. But if you asked me what I was doing before I got on the train, who my family was, my friends, hell even my favorite color. I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't even know why I got on this train in the first place, I just remember a strong feeling of having somewhere to go”

Her eyes gained focus again.

I looked around at the rest of them. I lingered on the little boy who sat curled next to his mother. His dark hair fell into his face but it couldn't hide the tears that were streaming down. His eyes met mine. Pleading for something.

“My mom” he choked out between tears. “There's something wrong with my mom”

I looked over at the woman who was still knitting silently, the giant pink yarn ball was sitting on her lap as she wound it back and forth, weaving it into the shape of what looked to be a scarf

Now that I think about it the woman had been silent. The only one of us to not utter a word since I’d come to.

I got out of my seat.

Rocko gave a deep chuckle. “I wouldn't do that if I were you” he warned.

Ignoring him, I walked over to the woman. If she felt my presence coming closer she didn't let on. Her focus was on the task in her hands.

“Hey lady, are you okay?” I said reaching over to place my hand on her shoulder. Just as it touched the outer edges of her pink cardigan her head jerked up.

Her dark eyes were full of rage as she smacked my hand away from her. She slammed her index finger to her lips.

“SHHHHHH!” she breathed out so forcefully droplets of spittle splattered on my face.

I reared back.

“What. The. Fuck”

Just as quickly as she'd done it, the crazy lady returned to knitting the scarf.

By this point Rocko was kneeled over in laughter, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.

The boy started to sob even harder.

“Cmon Rocko stop it, you're freaking the kid out” Tausha scolded him, rolling her eyes.

“ What was that?” I probed at her.

She gave a shrug “I know just as much as you do. Whenever someone approaches her this is what she does. The only one she lets touch her is the kid.”

I plopped down hard against the bench behind me. My stomach turned. This was gonna be a long train ride.

The Shadow

“Sooo….what's the plan?” I asked, daring to break the fragile silence between us.

Rocko stopped and turned to look at me in annoyance. Something about me really bothered this guy.

The willpower it took for me not to roll my eyes at his childish demeanor was astounding.

“I mean maybe if we can get to the front of the train we can probably stop it, or at least find someone else who can”

He scoffed.

“Oh wow, you don't think we've tried that genius? While you were over there sleeping like a princess we were looking for a way off this thing”

“Well obviously you didn't try hard enough,” I shrugged. I didn't even try to hide the sarcasm in my voice, even though I knew that it would provoke the beast in front of me.

His blue eyes turned to fire but before he could rage Tausha spoke up, calming the flames between us.

“We can't leave, the door is locked” she gestured to the double doors to the right of us. “See. there's a keypad, we need a code”

Sure enough right in the center of the door frame was a tiny black keypad.

Why hadn't I noticed that before?

“There's a rubber duckie beside it” the tiny voice of the little kid entered the conversation. He was leaned forward pointing at something off to the side of the keypad. Jumping up I walked over to the doors.

Just as he said, right beside the black keypad was a near perfect etching of a small duck. It wasn't a very detailed etching. It was simple, almost cartoon-like.

“Hey kid what kind of duck di-”

BOOMM!

Before I could finish my sentence something hard landed on the top of the train car making it vibrate with the impact of it. The kid yelped, and both Tausha and Rocko hopped out of their seats looking up at the ceiling in alarm.

“ what the-” Rockos words were cut short when another hard thunk shook the train car. But this time it came from the side of the car. We all looked out the window and just caught the image of a black shadowy figure wisping by.

Everything started happening all at once.

The boys' screams filled the cabin, barely drowning out the sounds of Rocko’s and Tausha’s panic.

They were both yelling something but I was too frozen to move.

In the window at the end of the train car my eyes locked onto that shadowy figure. The darkness of it was thick and all encompassing, like if I stared too hard I would get lost in it. It banged up against the window. It wasn't until the window started to crack that I jumped into action.

We had to get out of this car.

I knew, no I felt it deep underneath the layers of my skin. Something about that thing was dangerous in a way we didn't understand.

I turned back to the keypad. This was our only way out. We needed a code. But what code, and how the fuck were we supposed to know it.

BOOM!

That thing banged against the cabin again, causing more cracks in the glass of the cabin door.

My heart twisted. We were running out of time. Without rhyme or reason I started pressing numbers. A random string of sequences that all ended with a red error sign. I was getting nowhere with this.

Wait ?

The duck.

The duck had to mean something. A rubber duckie that's what the kid had called it. But why would that be important? with my fingers I traced lightly against the carving of the duck.

Before I could breathe, darkness clouded my mind pulling me under…….

Everything was dark, but only for a split second before the memory began to play out.

I was in the bathroom, crouched down in an empty tub breathing heavily.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The sound of my fathers knocking outside the door made my heart skip a beat. I squeezed the rubber yellow duckie clutched in my fists for comfort.

“You have 5 seconds to open this door boy” his words were slurring. He was drunk. It always hurt worse when he was drunk

ONE.

He began to count.

TWO

No, no no.

THREE

The rubber duckie let out a squeaking sound as I squeezed it tightly to my chest

FOUR

Sucking in a deep breath I braced myself. Maybe he would go easy this time

FIVE!

Instantly I was sucked back in, my mind rebounding back to the scene unfolding around me.

Rocko and Tausha were pressed against the wall on opposite sides of me, scratching at the metal as if they could claw their way through. The boy was sitting down shaking his mothers shoulder begging her to get up. The woman ignored him and kept knitting.

BOOM

Another bang. Instead of the sound of glass cracking there was a shattering, as shards of glass exploded onto the ground in loud clinks.

The code.

Hurry up Slim

I focused back in on the duck. This time I didn't think too hard.

1,2,3,4,5.

I waited for the red error message but it never came. With a whooshing sound the doors blew open.

Following his own instinct, Rocko pushed me out of the way of the opening as he barreled through the doors.

My body crashed into Taushas. She looked at me and then back at the door in surprise.

“How..”

“There's no time you need to get through”

Standing up I grabbed her by the arms and with a tiny yelp I threw her into the train car. I was about to go through when I heard the boy screaming behind me.

“Mom please… pleassee we have to go”

Fuck !

“Kid come on you have to get through”

He wouldn't move. His desperation for his mothers survival outweighed his own.

A groaning noise turned me back to the end of the train car.

That thing, that shadow, flowed like ink as it seeped through the hole in the glass. Moving with purpose it headed for the boy and his mother.

I jumped into action. Grabbing the woman, who was heavier than she looked, I threw her over my shoulder. She screamed in protest.

“Hurry up go” I motioned the boy into the open cabin door. He stalled for a second before running through.

The shadow was right behind me now. I dashed for the doors. As I made it over the frame something hot and searing grabbed my wrist. I looked down. The shadow had wrapped a tendril around my arm and with a tugging motion it was pulling me back.

Tausha stood by the cabin door staring in horror.

“CLOSE THE DOOR” I yelled at her.

She snapped out of it long enough to press the red button beside the door. Immediately the doors closed. There was a screeching noise as they clamped around the shadow’s tendrils, cutting it off from the rest of its body. The searing pain in my arm stopped. Like a wounded animal the screeching shadow on the other side of the train car slinked back, before whisking away in an air of anger.

Cognizance

“ What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck” Rocko had been repeating for the past 60 seconds.

Tausha was curled up by the doors. The red button hovering over her head. To the right of me were the boy and his mother. She’d resumed her knitting with the boy curled up under her once more.

The boy stared at me. There was something different in his eyes. His hazel eyes no longer held the same sparkle as before. They were dull now. Worn and aged like dark bourbon.

I felt Rocko staring holes into my skin.

“How did you do it?” he finally asked.

I looked at him in confusion.

“How did you open the door? The code. How did you know it!”

His voice was rising in intensity now. It wouldn't be long before the hot head popped his lid.

Tausha butt in once again taming the beast. “Let him explain Rocko before you go accusing”

Clenching his jaw he settled down.

I explained to them the best I could what happened. When I finished they all stared at me in both shock and disbelief before Rocko finally broke the silence.

“Wait so what. You're telling me that you tapped into the kid’s memories somehow. Using a fucking rubber duckie.” he scoffed. “Yeah, no you've got to be kidding me.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “well that's what happened”.

“How is that even possible?” Tausha added.

“We just ran from a giant moving shadow. I think pretty much anything is possible at this point.”

“Well do it again” Rocko spat, pointing to the set of doors to our right that led into the next train car. Just like the last one there was a small black keypad in the center.

“I…I don't know if I can. I mean I don’t even know how it works exactly.”

Rocko rushed out of his seat and before I knew it he was in my face grabbing me by the collar.

“Look more than likely that thing is gonna be back. Unless you wanne be here like sitting ducks then you’ll get up and at least fucking try.”

I looked over at Tausha to save the day once more but was met back with her dark pleading eyes. Like Rocko she was also scared and desperate.

I gave Rocko a curt nod, which was enough for him to release my shirt. Without hesitation I walked over to the keypad with him and Tausha following close behind.

Yeah no pressure at all huh.

I stared at the keypad. It was identical to the other one. Except on the side, instead of a duck, there was an engraving of a baseball cap. Like before I traced it. Trying to spark a connection. Before I could outline the whole figure something big crashed into the train car.

Our bodies were propelled sideways as the car teetered off the rails like it was going to fall off.

“FUCK” Rocko mumbled “its back”

His eyes darted back to me “look whatever the fuck you did before. You need to hurry up and do it now” Behind the urgency of his words I could sense his fear as his voice trembled on the verge of cracking.

His eyes held mine. The blue of them turned a stormy gray. The world around me faded. I couldn't pull away from those eyes, that storm of rage that lay nestled there constantly on the verge of spilling over.

“Why are you always so angry?” the words left my lips before I could stop them.

His eyes doubled back in surprise and with my left hand still hovering over the engraving of the baseball cap we fell into darkness.

In this memory I was sitting in what looked to be an office. My fingers twiddled around each other nervously before the door in front of me opened.

“Come on in Mr. Henderson '' the principal motioned me in.

Fighting the pounding of my heart in my chest I walked inside. My father sat in one chair, he looked back at me and immediately I felt my body shrink in the presence of his cold blue eyes.

I sat in the empty chair beside him.

“Mr. Henderson, I spoke with your father about the incidents that have been brought to our attention.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Did you know the kid you've been bullying? John Warwick. Tried to kill himself last night. His mother found him hanging in his closet. If she'd waited three seconds more, he would have been dead. Do you understand how serious this is ?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

The principal sighed “I'm afraid we are going to have to expel your son. Pending the investigation into his behavior”

My fathers body was tense as he gave a curt nod.

On the way back to the car he was silent. Deathly so. He unlocked the doors and we got in. He sat there for a second. Quickly before I could register, with his fist, he cocked back punching me hard across the jaw. So hard the red cap I was wearing flew off landing at my feet as stars swam in my vision. Grabbing me by the back of the neck he leaned over.

“Embarrass me like that again and I'll kill you”

With a sharp gasp I was pulled from the memory. Rocko's eyes were still facing me.

His memory.

I was pulled from his memory.

Understanding dawned in his eyes, softening the raging blue to a calming sea. With a deep chuckle he shook his head.

“Fuck, all this makes so much sense now” he muttered dreamily.

Behind us the glass shattered. This time the shadow monster was entering from the side window, its body dripping like ink down the walls of the train car. Right where the boy and his mother were sitting.

Rocko jumped into motion. Looking at the keypad he typed in 1, 2, 3. With a beep the doors flew open.

“Get Tausha and go inside. I’ll get the boy”

Wait what?

My mind scrambled to make sense of what was in front of me. This couldn't be the same Rocko that’d pushed us out of the way earlier to save himself.

“Now!” he repeated with more urgency.

Grabbing Tausha's hand, I pulled her up. Before we could step over the frame he grabbed Tausha and whispered something in her ear. She looked at him confused, giving a small nod before hopping over

The black shadow was only inches away from where the boy and his mother sat. He pushed up against her in panic as he tried to spur her into motion. She wouldn't move.

Just as the shadow licked at the edges of the boy's white polo shirt, Rocko snatched him up. The shadow changed paths and headed now to where the boy stood with Rocko, completely ignoring the knitting woman.

Why did it ignore her?

Before I could figure it out, Rocko threw the boy into the train car with us. He promptly grabbed the woman and threw her against his shoulders. Just as he turned to head through the doors, something black and inky wrapped itself around his ankle. He screamed out in pain, falling to his knees as the screaming woman protested across his shoulders.

“No!” I heard Tausha yell out.

With a hard shove Rocko threw the woman into the train car. In that same moment another black tendril snaked itself around his neck. There was a sizzling noise heard under his screams as his skin started to burn from the contact.

The smell of it was sickening.

“Close the door!” he managed to croak out between screams.

I didn't hesitate. I felt Tausha try to pull me away. I shrugged her off and slammed my palm against the red button by the door. When the doors shut, the sounds of Rocko's screams were immediately cut off.

My brain shifted into autopilot, not willing to take the time out to sit and process the situation. I headed towards the next door. Beyond those I could see a control panel on the other side. This had to be the front of the train car. I kneeled in front of the all too familiar black keypad. Beside it was an engraving of a small heart.

A BOOM shook the train car as that thing tried to get in once more.

Beside me Tausha was staring off into the distance. Frozen in place.

I screamed her name three times before she finally looked over at me.

“I need your help with this. Snap the fuck out of it!”

Clarity began to focus her vision and she moved over to look at the keypad.

“The first one, the duck, was about the boy. The second one was Rocko's memory. So this one, this one has to be about you.”

Her brows furrowed in confusion. I didn't have time to explain. Grabbing her hand I began to trace the outline of the heart and with a hard pull we fell into the memory.

This memory was different. I was in a hospital room. The soft beeping of the monitors could be heard in the background. In front of me a frail figure lay on the bed. Tausha. I knew instantly. Those doe eyes I would recognize anywhere. She was smiling at me. A sad smile that emphasized her sallow skin and hollow cheekbones. Wet tears streamed down my face. With a thin shaky hand she wiped them away.

“You're going to be ok without me ya know”

When I didn't say anything she reached up and unhooked the gold necklace from her neck. Dangling from it was a heart shaped pendant. Gently she placed it into my palm.

“They say you only get one true love in this life. And Rocko you will be mine, always.”

Just like that the memory ended. A hard thunk shook the cabin windows as the beast outside tried to get in. In front of me Tausha was crying softly. She looked at me in disbelief. Bringing her hands up she cradled my face gently as if I was made of porcelain.

“Rocko told me to save you like I did him.” her eyes grew distant. “I know what I have to do now.”

She wiped away her tears and pressed the number 1 on the keypad. The doors whooshed open.

Everything was happening fast, too fast to give me enough time to process what she was telling me.

“Wait, what are you talking about?”

She grasped my sweaty hands into hers. “Look there isn't time. We have to get you out of here. You have to get off this train and you have to live.”

The lady, who had been knitting up to that point, did the strangest thing then. She came to the end of her sting of yarn, tied it in a knot, scooped up the scarf and headed into the control room.

The long pick fabric along with the boy trailed behind her.

What the fuck was happening.

It was then that the glass windows all around us shattered. Tausha and I fell to the floor, her hands still gripped tightly in mine. All at once from all sides the black shadow came rushing in. I jumped up and tugged her along with me into the cabin.

I was met with resistance and jerked back slightly.

Tausha was standing there with one of her hands on the door frame. There was a sad look in her eyes.

“I can't go with you” she said softly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people. Yes you can come on !” I tugged her again. This time she let go of my hand, sending me tumbling to the floor of the control room.

“No I can't.” she shook her head as she stepped back.

The darkness was rushing in fast now, even if she wanted to come, at this point it was too late. Starting from her feet the darkness began to shroud itself over her body.

Her face scrunched in pain. Her skin was sizzling. She didn't scream. Her eyes remained on mine.

Just as the darkness covered her face she opened her mouth to speak.

“I love you slim”

The doors slammed shut.

I looked to see the boy removing his hand from the red button.

Slim? Why, why did she call me that?

“Do you remember now ?” the boy asked softly. He was looking up at me with those all knowing golden eyes.

“Remember what !”

Ignoring my anger he pointed to the glass window beside us. I looked but all I saw were the gray white streaks of the world outside and our reflection.

My heart caught in my chest.

Our reflection?

This whole time I'd never taken the time out to look at myself, and it was as if I was seeing me for the first time.

I walked closer. My long lanky limbs and slender build propelled me forward. The boy followed me. I leaned in close, memorizing the soft lines of my face.

When I got to my eyes, my breath caught in my throat. My eyes. Like the boy’s. Were a mahogany color, so rich and so brown, that laced in them on the edge of the irises were gold flakes. Completely identical to his. As I reached out my fingers to trace my reflection the boy grabbed my hands.

All at once everything came rushing in.

Pain.

So much pain. Mother told me that if I would hush and be quiet sometimes, then he wouldn't get so angry. But no matter how quiet I was, no matter how many times I hid. He would always find me. His own personal punching bag to release his insecurities about the failure that was his life.

She let it happen. Like him she was weak. You see when I was around she was invisible, and I became the focus of his hate, of his pain and all the scars that came with it. My father was a cruel bastard with cold blue eyes, but in some ways like all sons I subconsciously strived to be like him.

In grade school the kids called me Rocko, because I didnt take shit from no one. Like I was my fathers personal punching bag, they became mine. They were pathetic and weak, everything my father reminded me that I was.

I hated them for it. So I beat it out of them, as many kids as I could, like he beat it out of me.

All that anger, all that rage, festered in me growing and swelling like a dead body left out in the sun to rot.

Until her.

It didn't take much motivation for me to run away at the age of 16. I took what little shit I had and hit the road. New York was full of runaway kids. And we banded together in our own little packs, like gangs. That's where I met her.

Tausha.

It was her doe eyes and soft demeanor that drew me in. She was the opposite of everything that I was, and I craved it.

“What's your name Slim?” Were the first words she said to me.

Lets face it, I was a tall skinny kid, but I was tough. That's all that mattered. So the name stuck. To everyone else I was Rocko.

But to her I was Slim. Always.

We became inseparable. She was the only thing that could calm the beast in me. The only thing able to offer me clarity outside of rage. She gave me love. Unconditional love.

Then everything shattered.

I watched, sick, as the cancer slowly ate away at her brain. Consuming the most beautiful parts of her. She saved me and I was helpless, unable to return the favor.

She went quietly, leaving me with only a gold pendant to remember her by.

She told me I could live without her but I couldn't. My demons were too hard to face.

With the cold press of the razors slicing into my skin. I faded into darkness and let those demons win.

My eyes shot open. Everything made sense now. I looked down. The space where the boy was holding my hand was now empty. Behind me I heard a creaking sound. I turned and looked as the woman stood on the bench. In front of her fashioned into a pink noose was the long scarf dangling from the ceiling. Fashioning the loop around her neck, for the first time, she made eye contact with me.

Tears clouded my vision. “I forgive you “ I whispered to her just as she stepped off the bench.

I turned away. After I left, mother became his punching bag again. Without me as her buffer she eventually succumbed to demons of her own.

When I turned back the woman and the scarf were gone.

BOOM!

The shadow. It was just him and I now.

I knew what I had to do.

A hazy memory broke through.

We were sitting on the beach. Tausha and I. She’d begged me to take her to the beach one last time, against my wishes of her to stay in bed to keep her strength. We sat on the towel watching the sun rise slowly over the horizon.

“I can't live without you,” I whispered to her.

She chuckled. “What makes you think that?”

Turning my head I gazed into her eyes. Rimmed with purple bags they were still beautiful. “You saved me. Without you I wouldn't be who I am today. I would have ended up just like my father, face down dead in an alley somewhere”

She shook her head with a stern look in her eyes. “I only showed you a different path Slim. It was you who chose to walk it. I didn't save you. You saved yourself.”

She stared at me a moment before smiling again “You know, your whole life has been one giant runaway train to nowhere. You’ve spent all this time running away from your hurts, your demons. But eventually Slim. You're gonna have to stop the train. And when you do all those things you're running from are going to come crashing in. You can get off and face them or you can spend the rest of your life running”

She paused and gripped my chin like a scolding mother “So what’s it gonna be Slim?”

The sounds of the train rushing around me came back in. Outside the shadow monster banged up against the door.

I smiled.

Without a second thought, I pushed the red button to open the doors.