Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a very bad movie about Martians coming down from Mars to do the honorable thing and kidnap Santa Claus (John Cail), who begins the movie by giving an interview to a pesky reporter from Santa Headquarters in the North Pole, while Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich) orders the overworked, underpaid, overstaffed (and possibly oversexed) elves of the toy factory to start hauling ass because it's Christmas Eve. (Honestly, I made up that last part because I thought it sounded funny).

Kids on Earth are all about some Santa; Martian kids, not so much. They're a glum little gaggle of gloomy gusses, aliens with anxiety issues, and so are the adults, exemplified by Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and Momar (Leila Martin). They, along with Girmar (Pia Zadora) decide that the kidnapping of the Jolly Fat Red-Suited Old Bearded Fart of Toyland is where it's at. So they take the rocketship, which is kept aloft by a fishing line, on an interstellar journey across a black velvet backdrop with pinholes stuck in it, to Earth. And then they do the dirty deed.

They kidnap two annoying brats (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti) along with Santa, and they fight a guy in a polar bear suit before running across a robot that is like a series of walking tin cans and antennae with vacuum cleaner attachments for arms. (The Martian helmets are fashion horrors painted puce green, with vacuum cleaner attachments on the side, toothpicks sticking out of the other side, antenna, and glittery green visors. Like, gag me with a Martian spoon!)

There's really not a lot to say about this picture, insomuch as it's a study in vast retardation and ineptitude. I suppose it's categorized as a children's film, but it has an awful title and rotten, kitchen-sink-level costumes and special effects (as well as acting, directing, script writing, etc.).

It has a groovy theme song that was covered by Indianapolis punk rock legends Sloppy Seconds, but that's not how I found out about it. I know about it because it is such a wretched example of barnyard cult cinema it was featured on the classic mid-Nineties cable show "Reel Wild Cinema," which was hosted by Sandra Bernhard, the incomparable, and featured a weekly heaping helping of Cinema Veri-Bad with all the boring parts cut out. So the delectable Miss Bernhard, ever the fashion dish, lounged sexily around the art deco studio set (that looked like it exploded from a nightmare where John Waters and David Lynch had furniture store mutant babies that wailed incessantly and scarfed dog sh*t; the dog sh*t possibly being more digestible than this picture), commenting snarkily on the movies that followed. So we got the best parts of The Robot Versus The Aztec Mummy, Nude on the Moon (not the full-on nude parts), and Teenage Gang Debs, among other such offerings from Something Weird Video.

Alas, "Reel Wild Cinema" (and the wave of B-move and exploitation movie nostalgia chic that followed) is gone now, as modern times have diminished and devalued life incessantly. Regardless, you'll want to see Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, for a few reasons, not the least of which is that you can tell your friends that you, at last, have discovered a piece of shlock that is sh*ttier than Plan Nine from Outer Space. (Actually, there are quite a few films, one of them being the execrable Night Train to Terror, starring the late Richard Moll, that qualify as "sh*ttier than Plan Nine.)

But I guess I should spend the rest of this short review discussing the "plot," as it is. Voldar (Vincent Beck) is having none of the Santa mirth that will sweep across the face of Mars for Martian good little boys and girls, that the presence of Santa implies. He kidnaps Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) who he believes is Santa, and who dons a Santa suit and does a terrible dance at the end. The End.

Watch it because it's free. You do need to cut back. The movie is like a holiday gift from Bad Santa or John Waters. Merry Xmas from Mars, baby.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Adventure, Comedy, Sci-Fi | Christmas Movie