Movie Review: "Argylle" (2024)

As you know, I am not the biggest fan of comedy movies. More than often, they do not actually resonate with being funny, but instead come across as what Hollywood thinks is funny to ‘normal people’. There have been many occasions where Hollywood has thought something was really funny and the rest of the world sat back and unanimously stated it was not funny at all. This is not really showing Hollywood as being ‘out of touch’ but rather ‘out of time’. People have moved on from trashy comedy films to liking intelligible cinema and quality comedy (enter *Barbenheimer*).

At the moment of writing this review, it has probably been almost a week since I saw the film ‘Argylle’ and so, I have treated myself and some pals to some juices and a pizza that tastes like whisky because of all of the honey glaze and BBQ sauce. As we speak, the outdoors is alive with drizzle and as my pal puts out his cigarette and calls the movie ‘full of s***’ I agree and nod my head. I can honestly say that Hollywood got this one more than wrong. Whilst films about legacy characters like the Coyote and the Roadrunner are being scrapped by Warner Bros we are forced to sit through sub-par cinema in the name of a-list actors and supporting their careers. Let’s put in this way, no matter how great of an actor Sam Rockwell is, I will not be sitting through ‘Argylle’ again for as long as I live. Prepare for a movie review of one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Ellie Conway writes books about Agent Argylle, an secret agent played by Henry Cavill with about the equivalent charisma which can also be viewed if one were to look at a paper bag. John Cena is his friend and confidante and for some reason, Mermaid Barbie is there as well as some kind of villain but its unclear as to what she does. With a messy narrative at this point and characters that have not been fleshed out in the slightest, it was difficult to tell why this stuff was happening. First of all, you’re going to have to ignore the fact that the only funny thing in this whole scene was John Cena. Then you are going to have to accept that this is pretty much the way the whole movie will be written. Thirdly, you have to resist the urge to ask for a refund on your ticket when you find that second thing out.

When we get back to reality, Ellie sends her manuscript to her mother and she states that the story’s final chapter needs work. Ellie Conway then gets on a train to go to her mother’s to surprise her. She is met with Special Agent Sam Rockwell (I can’t remember what his name was in the movie - I didn’t think it was important). There’s a Bullet Train style fight where it’s supposed to be comical but is really, really, really, long in an unnecessary way. Anything that is a Bullet Train style anything is going to be terrible and you know it. A main character who has not got a clue what is going on but is just trying to stay alive whilst a bunch of people fight around them is the best way to describe it. Oh, and it all happens on a train.

When they get off the train, he tells her that she must now write the next chapter so they can solve some problem that arose because her book is happening in real life. He takes her to places and she keeps stalling for time until she does actually think of something. Unfortunately, for much of the audience this is where it falls apart because: a) they have not got a clue what’s going on, b) the writing is shoddy as hell or, c) they have already worked out the ending by this point and no longer care. I was C. I had worked out about 75% of the ending and no longer cared for any of the characters because in my mind, it was a little too obvious and, I have seen too many of these weird twisty spy movies. I think if a comedy of this level of twists is to be effective, it needs to make the twists as unbelievable as possible. What this film does is take the twists from other spy-comedy movies and implements them into the movie for no apparent reason.

By the third act of the film I found myself looking at my watch and actually praying that soon, it would all end. It kept dragging out the movie with choppy and glitzy shots and scenes that were no use to the plot whatsoever. I told my mother afterwards that if it went on for about ten minutes longer I would have started crying. I couldn’t stand it anymore it was so incredibly bad. I hate to see bad cinema because it is such a great art form. But sometimes, when we know little about the film, we have to endure it.

It was not a funny film, it was not an interesting film and with god as my witness, it was not a well-acted or well-written film. This is a film that I think the majority of the audience would rather forget about. One of the many reasons is the ineffectiveness of Henry Cavill (note: this is pretty much the reason why a lot of films with Henry Cavill in them falter. I mean, he seems like a nice enough man in real life but why on earth does he keep picking all these s*** movies? Immortals is a brilliant action/historical film and yet he has never done another. This I find disappointing), the other is the terrible writing and cinematography and the final one is that the editing on many of the scenes looks like they were done by a four-year-old with iMovie. The marketing being non-existent and the trailer being an absolute mess does not help. I only really went to see this film because I thought Sam Rockwell was going to crack some jokes.

In conclusion, when it comes to this film, if you have already seen it then I feel sorry for you. If you have not seen it then can I recommend you steer clear and watch a real movie. I feel like the director is trying to do too much all at once and many of the films he has made have not been very good. Yet, the narrative continues and apparently, there is supposed to be another one coming out. Unfortunately, this is where I exit the ride, I get off the boat and I do not return. I won’t be watching any more of the ‘Argylle’ films, if they have the green light to make them after this cinematic disaster.